The Logic You Never Learned In School

January 26, 2009

If rejection from NYU = one vanilla bean cupcake from Starbucks.


Rejection from UCSD =


Really tough day, today, kids. Excuse me while I recover from a sugar coma.

A Bit Blocked

November 20, 2008

Every day I’m all, “I NEED TO BLOG.” And then I’m all, “BUT I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY.”

So, uh, does anyone have any ideas?

Anything pressing we need to discuss?

My urethra? Perhaps a debate on Obama’s tax plan? A story about an ex-boyfriend? My upcoming trip to Los Angeles next week? Audition stories? Stories about how I fell down in public and embarrassed myself? Eco-friendly living? Vegetarianism? Questions? Comments?

I was thinking you guys could unblock me. You know, the four people who read this? Surely you have an opinion. Or an interest. Or a reason to keep refreshing this website. But…what on earth is it?

Suggest a topic and I will write an essay, in MLA format, with a Works Cited. Or maybe just a blog post.

Any takers? Any at all?

2 AM

August 23, 2008

My car is making funny sounds. It doesn’t look good, kids.

Obama has picked Biden. Am very happy about this. No idea why.

Got some fresh tomatoes, fresh basil, a red onion and fresh garlic from the CSA this week. 

Tomorrow, I shall gather those ingredients, toss them in a pot and make some homemade pasta sauce.

I’m also planning on getting a mani/pedi because sometimes the Long Island in me is unstoppable.

Also, I have been instructed to begin painting the trim and molding around the house. The walls came out so well that now the boring white parts look, well, boring. And white. And a bit dingy. My roommate bought the paint already which saves me the hassle of running to the store.

“Oh! You bought white paint so I can do the molding?”

“Laura. It’s not white. It’s almond.”

“You realize that you are very, very gay?”


So, yes. I will be painting the house almond. It’s worthy to note that RENOVATE THE APARTMENT 2008 has become an alarming obsession. The aforementioned Homosexual Roommate walks in the door with Home Depot bags EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Lighting fixtures, new light switch plates, primer, coat hooks, you name it. The kid is on a roll which is very ironic because he leaves on tour in a few weeks and won’t be around to enjoy the fruits of his labor.


“But…we have door knobs.”

“But they’re not silver and they definitely don’t match our new place.”

“We don’t have a new place. We just painted an old place.”

“Stop ruining my fantasy.”

In between me going to sleep on Monday night and waking up Tuesday morning, he installed track lighting in our hallway. TRACK LIGHTING. It illuminates…the hallway. And since the walls are pretty bare right now due to the fresh paint job, when you turn on the amazing track lighting, it casts a huge heavenly glow on…a blank wall. 

Speaking of which? We painted our living room a chocolate brown and the name of our paint was Pocahontas. Does anyone else find that racist? Anyone?

I probably should not be up right now talking about this. I have lots of almond molding to paint tomorrow and a rip roarin’ birthday party to attend tomorrow evening. So, please pray for my car which is making a thumping/clacking/BOOM BOOM BOOM sound that can’t be good. And also, please pray for my homosexual roommates. I hope they find the Lord Jesus but I really really hope they never stop going to Home Depot because OMFG DID I MENTION THE TRACK LIGHTING!?!??!?!!?

Happy Holidays

December 20, 2007

Dear Santa,

This year, I would like world peace, a coat and a warm meal for every homeless person, a happy family for every child in foster care and lots of cold hard cash for me.

I wear a size 7.


Welcome To The Dark Corners Of My Mind. Surprise! It’s Lame.

May 20, 2007

Do you want to know why I haven’t blogged in awhile?

It’s because I just sat down to write an entry and I wrote out not one, not two but THREE paragraphs about Downy Fabric Softener. Simple Pleasures to be exact. In Lavender & Vanilla scent. And how I love it but I can’t find the Rose & Violet scent. Did they discontinue it?

WHAT?! Did I think anyone would be INTERESTED in three paragraphs about my thoughts on laundry!? Wow. I must be drawing some blanks here, people. HELP ME! I shall now ramble and make lists because that’s what I do when I don’t know what else to say. Errr…when I don’t know what else to BLOG. When I don’t know what to say, I blush bright red and use words that don’t exist. Anyway. Here are some things I’ve been thinking about. I can’t say they are interesting.

I love Thai food but I CANNOT STAND Pad Thai. This seems to be the Thai food staple and what most people think of when you mention “Thai Food” and yet, ew. I prefer the chili/basil sauce with tofu and vegetables and those wide flat noodley things. You know. The kind of Thai food that doesn’t make me want to throw up.

You can show me 10,000 times but I still haven’t learned how to neatly fold the fitted sheet. My mom does it perfectly. In fact, the fitted sheets are folded so squarely that in her linen closet, I can never tell just by looking which are the regular sheets and which ones are fitted. The woman is THAT Good. Me? I just give up and roll it into a huge ball because well, why not?

Sheets remind me of fabric softener. I can smell my hanging laundry right now and it smells like lavender, which is lovely. I wish it smelled like roses and violets though.

I’m in an intense casting workshop class type deal thingamajig. It’s seven weeks long and every week we sing for a new casting director and gain feedback from them and also our classmates. It’s hands down the BEST thing I’ve ever done for my career. Suddenly, I don’t have to walk out of the room and think WHYYYY DON’T YOU LOVE ME?! Now I just ask. And they actually say it.

Surprisingly enough, most of them tweak little bits of my songs here and there and then nod and say “Great!” There are no huge revelations like, “Wow, you kind of suck at singing!” or “I don’t like your hair. It’s ugly.” or “You really need to step up and actually show me you have a DEGREE in musical theatre in order for me to want to cast you. Mediocrity is your middle name.” There really isn’t any major issue that anyone sees with my work. I’m an obvious type (young ingenue) and an obvious vocal type and therefore, a clear-cut, obvious casting choice. I dress appropriately, I sing appropriate songs, I make strong acting choices and am generally found to be somewhat quirky and endearing. If all this is true, and it must be true because why would they lie to me? then seriously, why aren’t I getting callbacks? I’ve decided to ask this next class. So far, my own answers are:

a) There are a gazillion quirky young ingenues with blonde hair and I haven’t been around that long. Need to keep at it until I stand out.
b) My resume is somewhat lacking. I think this could be the reason or at least, a minor one.
c) I joined Equity too soon. Should’ve gotten more credits in the non-Eq world.
d) Since I’m currently without representation, I attend a lot of required calls, meaning auditions that are mandated by the union. A lot of times, for those auditions, they have already cast the show and aren’t really looking.
d2) They are lying to me and in real life, they find me ugly, untalented and fat.

This class, while amazing, has made me extremely meticulous and analytical about my career. I think some of the obsessiveness will die down when the class is over and anyway, it’s not a particularly BAD thing. But sometimes, I hear myself talking about auditions and auditions and casting directors and who and who and who and I want to SMACK MYSELF because I’m reminded of my 14 year-old self who could rattle off every ensemble member of the current cast of Miss Saigon. Note to both selves: NO ONE CARES.

I bought organic argula today. Why? I’m not sure. I hope I think of something fun to do with it. Like braid it and pin it in my roommates’ hair. SLEEPOVER!

Speaking of food, I ate chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast this morning with strawberries and coconut. They were totally vegan and quite possibly the best things I’ve ever eaten.

I ate a few spoonfuls of the twins’ macaroni and cheese the other day. It was decidedly not vegan. And surprisingly, did not make my stomach explode. MMMM. FAKE PROCESSED CHEESE.

I had a hard-boiled egg white in my salad last week. It was on purpose. I craved it, wanted it, ordered it, ate it. I thought perhaps I may reintroduce eggs into my diet, or at least egg whites. But as soon as I thought that, I didn’t really crave them anymore.

Am I blogging about egg whites? Is that almost as bad as fabric softener?

I’ve needed a new cellphone battery for at least 3 weeks. I charge my cell, take it with me for the day and by the time I get on the subway, the energy level is down to one bar. If I chat on the phone for about twenty minutes, it dies. A new battery can’t cost me more than $40. I can afford the $40. But I just don’t WANT TO. I think about how I have to spend $40 on a damn cellphone battery and I think what an ANNOYING THING to waste $40 on. So I ignore it. And just let my cellphone die every day around 2 in the afternoon. And a few days ago, I nonchalantly dropped $123 on three pairs of shoes. Because those? THOSE WERE NECESSARY.

For the above class that I mentioned, as a homework assignment, we had to write out full pages in our journal describing where we wanted to be in 1 week, 1 month, 6 months, 1 year, 5 years, 10 years, 20 years. That’s seven pages of future talk. DESCRIPTIVE, DIFFICULT FUTURE TALK. I dare you to do it. My teacher wanted big broad goals and also little tiny details, as miniscule or encompassing as I wanted. You know what? I kind of liked doing it. Of course I did! Because I’m Type A and love writing out things! I must confess that I’m not done with it yet. I’ve only just started but after scribbling some stuff down last night, I went back and read over what I’d written today.

UHHHHH. If you read over what I’d written, you’d have the same exact thought that I did: That I must’ve drank a bottle of rum before writing out my list. The truth? I was 100% completely sober. Observe:

In my “6 Months From Now” entry, (November 20, 2007) I wrote out how many shows I want to be called back for by then, how much I would prefer to weigh, how I would like to continue my veganism and then I guess I got a little carried away because the next sentence after those lofty goals is, “I will do my Christmas shopping early!”

Just. Wow. Laura? Did you actually write that out? On paper? Did you actually EXPEND ENERGY talking about your CHRISTMAS SHOPPING?! Get thee a life, pronto.

I couldn’t stop there though, no, because along with holiday shopping, I also wrote that I wanted a “pretty new winter coat” and that also in six months, my periods will be pain-free!! (With two exclamation points, seriously.) And this is why I should not be given these kinds of assignments. I will flesh out WHERE I WANT TO BE IN 6 MONTHS until it is an amalgamation of the scariest details ever imaginable. Pretty winter coats and periods that don’t induce nausea and painful cramping. LAURA. I THINK YOU ARE MISSING THE POINT.

By the way, I’m only up to writing 1 year from now. Where I’ll be in 5 years? In 10? I’m supposed to write out what I’d LIKE to happen, what I WANT, just to visualize it, just to put it down on paper but I get crazed by that kind of thinking. I mean, look how I handled six months!! In 10 years!? How many kids will I have? Will I still live in this apartment or a house with wooden floors and a fire place and a bathroom painted dark red? It’s too much for me! So I stopped for now, at just a year. I think that’s best for me at this point in time. Maybe I’ll get to the other timelines tomorrow. I think that tonight, I was too overwhelmed trying to think about how many pretty new winter coats I’ll need by the time I’m 30.

Sometimes, just sometimes, I think that I would like a little “Shut Down” button on the part of my brain labeled “Crazy”. That way, I can stop thinking simultaneously about my hatred of Pad Thai and love of rose-smelling laundry and sopranos that play ingenues. I could just complete homework assignments correctly and without much unnecessary anxiety. I could write out the career I want to have, the kind of man I want to marry, the kind of children I want to raise and how many ab muscles I would like visible when wearing a bikini. But because I can’t click SHUT DOWN, I’m left to stare at a blank page and get completely overwhelmed by the thoughts that are swimming around my cranium, crippling my thought process and rendering me helpless and unable to complete the task at hand because I just can’t stop wondering about how painful my periods will be in 20 years.

Only Two More Days Until I Stuff My Face With My Aunt’s Sweet Potatoes AKA Another Reason Why I’m Special

November 21, 2005

Andrew from UB IMed me the other day regarding my marathon entry and asked me how I manage to find all the crazy people. Andrew? I think the more appropriate question is, how do the crazies find ME? And no, I don’t make this stuff up. I couldn’t. Let’s face it, I’m not that smart. So, I was about 1/2 way through another entry about my trip to a free medical clinic on the lower lower east side and about all the crazy people I met there but it just started veering towards that Too Personal Line. I also sounded racist. And it wasn’t even that funny. Except the part where I approached the podiatry desk instead of the gynecology desk and really, you would’ve been easily confused too.

Suffice it to say, it was a free check up of sorts but it didn’t end particularly well and I’m really not ready to share. Also, my mother would tell me that the polite thing to do is really spare the internet stories that are titled “My Gynocologist, My Friend” and also, don’t type out the last names of people you know who do drugs. It’s really her universal rule. And I’m adhering to it because she is a God-fearing woman who pays my car insurance.

Instead, I would like to take a moment to ask New York City what the hell they think they’re doing wearing knee-high boots OVER their jeans. HONESTLY? It makes your thighs and butt look enormous and your jeans get all scrunched up and it’s just stupid. If you want me to see your pretty boots (because sometimes they really are pretty!) you can wear a skirt. NO, this does not mean you can wear a pair of these. Gaucho pants are probably the worst fashion trend to hit NYC since stirrup pants perhaps. But let’s face it, I was barely alive when THAT happened.

I just don’t think these flatter your figure at all. And the logic that you can wear shorter pants and higher boots? is stupid. Plain stupid. Lindsay tried to buy a pair this summer and I made fun of her to high holy heaven. I thought it was a passing summer fad, wearing big floppy pants over your bikini bottoms or something. I DID NOT THINK THIS WOULD CARRY OVER INTO FALL AND PEOPLE WOULD WEAR HOOKER BOOTS UNDERNEATH THEM. This is awful, people, awful. You all look stupid.

I went away this weekend with the twins to their country house in New Paltz. I didn’t get very much sleep but I was able to relax as best I could at a five acre home in the mountains. I also was able to leave for a little bit on Sunday and take my sister out to brunch (because she attends SUNY New Paltz! Woo!). I went for a long walk on Saturday afternoon, up and down these gorgeous roads with a full view of the Catskills. It was peaceful and lovely and I galloped like a gazelle through the countryside. Okay, no. But it’d be so cool if I did that, no?

I also got to sleep in a guest room and it was very exciting. The twins are hilarious and require so so much work. They are officially walking now and the house proved to be a big thrill for them, particularly things they weren’t supposed to do like climb stairs, eat dead ladybugs off the floor and play with pointy objects. I was 85% successful at preventing these things. But despite my careful eye and the fact that there are TWO of them, falling off steps and eating bugs off the floor tended to happen anyway. Oh well. Protein is good for you and falling down just builds endurance. Or something. SUCK IT UP, KIDS.

I also did the speed limit all the way home and NO speeding tickets were issued. Well. Not to me. The cops WERE pulling over quite a number of SUV’s. But you just deserve it for owning an SUV. Because those are obnoxious. And if you drive something that big AND speed? I am not your friend.

Also. Can I just say, what the hell is the hype around Desperate Housewives? I didn’t watch the entire first season, which Adam says is my problem. But I do remember all the craziness and Troy going nuts and everyone flipping out. I didn’t have cable at the time, so I couldn’t view it. Well. I watch it now and can I say that it’s probably one of the worst shows on television right now? Why do I not understand this show or enjoy it at all? Teri Hatcher needs to eat a cheeseburger. Scene.

Grey’s Anatomy? Now here we have probably one of the BEST shows on television. And I’m not a TV watcher but I’m downright obsessed. Okay? Fine. I am. Sandra Oh is a goddess and it’s just a good time all around. Desperate Housewives? Spare me. And then Adam is like well it’s a SATIRE, like a night time soap opera. If it’s a satire, then why isn’t it funny? Let it go, people. It kind of sucks.

The Spectrum has reached a new low when I have nothing to talk about except SUV’s and Sunday night ABC TV. Really, I’m so sorry. I will try to do something interesting with my life, like take Japanese lessons, and tell you all about it. OH! I did find the cactus picture and when I find out how to post it, I will and we can all hold hands and have a good chuckle. Ta Da!


And while we’re on the subject…

July 19, 2005

What exactly is a “hollaback girl” ?

Just a spoonful of sugar…

December 6, 2004

–STEEL PIER came and went. The last two performances were incredibly hard for me and tears emerged towards the end of the second act which I successfully stifled until the curtain call. It helped that Tom was waiting in the wings last night. He cheered really loudly and was the first thing I saw when I exited into the hall. He is my hero. Step, bump. Step, bump bump.

–I played Cranium at Erica’s last night and ate a lot of spinach dip and brownies. It was a very pleasant way to begin this really really long and hard week.

–I have to choreograph my jazz final and finish my ballet practical on Tuesday, learn an Italian song for Wednesday, write out the International Phonetic Alphabet translation of said Italian song AND find a song to sing for my voice final on Wednesday at 4 pm. I also have to do a paper for Dance History as well as take a huge final exam in the same subject on Thursday at 10:30 am approximately. Finally, I must learn “Scarborough Fair” for my Vocal Diction AKA Fires-Of-Hell Class for the 16th of December. Sad that my college career will end with the worst class ever created.

–The departmental formal is a week from today! I am very excited to get all dolled up one last time. I doubt I will be able to post pictures due to my lack of appropriate software. Donations?

–Last week, I had a dream that I was giving birth and that Angela was my birthing coach. I was terrified of the pain and as the labor started, I fell asleep. Yes. I fell ASLEEP in my dream. Then I woke up and had a newborn in my arms and Angela was exclaming, “SEE! THE BEST THING TO DO WHEN YOU HAVE A BABY IS SLEEP THROUGH THE CONTRACTIONS!” Hmmmm.

–Last NIGHT, I had a dream that Tommy’s family and I rode on an elevator up to the 33rd floor of a “HOTEL RADISSON” where we hung out with:

Julie Andrews. She made us tea and asked us about our love lives. It was pretty damn sweet.

The End.