Daily Musings

Run Run Runaway

January 27, 2014

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I don’t run.

Not sure if you know that about me.

Oh sure sometimes I “go out for a run”, usually at the advice of my therapist who once suggested I move my body when I get anxious. But I’m not very strong, I don’t love cardio and I don’t go very far. I also tend to get distracted by the showtunes on my iPod and it’s like, you know what? I’d rather stop running and daaaaaance!

My brother Paul, however, runs marathons.

I’m just going to let that sink in, in the event you knew Paul in high school. Back then, he was glued to his computer, was about 80 pounds overweight and his exercise routine consisted of walking from the couch to the pantry to scope out whether our mom had purchased any more Oreos.

Instead of exercising, Paul used that time in his life to become the smartest person in the world. Literally. He knows everything. More than anyone I have ever met. And I’m guessing somewhere in the middle of LEARNING ALL THE THINGS, Paul was like hm, science says exercise and eat vegetables so I don’t die. And just like he does with everything, he went full throttle.

Last year alone, Paul ran 4 marathons, a 50k and a 50 miler.

I…hm.

People can change, I guess, is my point. Also my point: Paul is now unfairly the smartest person in the world AND the most athletic/lean/drop-dead gorgeous.

Last year, he and my also athletic sister Deb ran the Brooklyn half-marathon and were like IT WAS SO GREAT WE ENDED UP IN CONEY ISLAND DRINKING BEER!

And I was like, oh bummer, I want to hang out with you guys in Coney Island drinking beer, no fair.

So when registration came around a few weeks ago, those fools along with my husband who is always like YOU CAN DO IT YOU ARE GREAT!, convinced me to sign up.

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Gulp.

WHAT HAVE I DONE YOU GUYS???

I’m only slightly panicking. I had 16 weeks to train when I signed up (now down to 14) and I’m told that’s plenty of time. I’m taking it slow, baby steps and it’s been great so far except the polar vortex has mandated almost all my runs happen on the treadmill which is my least favorite thing.

But I must say, even after a 2 mile run, I am exhilarated.

“I DID IT!” I keep saying. “I RAN TWO MILES!”

I’ve just always labeled myself “not athletic”, “not a runner”, “not”, “other”, I can’t, I can’t.

I’m trying to prove to myself that I can.

DID YOU MISS ME???

January 25, 2014

Guys.

My blog broke.

Like, forever.

And I couldn’t fix it.

And I got married and had a bunch of health problems so I gave up.

But then I missed it.

So I got Paul, my brother, to fix it. And he did! And now I’m writing! Aren’t you so thrilled?

I’m in the process of getting the template updated as I think it’s time for a change but just wanted to say I’ll be back in action regularly.

What did I miss!?!?!?

Picked My Wedding Dress

April 23, 2013

I know it’s not really acceptable to show you all my dress before the actual wedding but I couldn’t resist. I just love it so much. I was going for modesty. I think it really works.

Hard Work

April 4, 2013

Me: Thank you for my present.

Him: You’re welcome!

Me: And for listening to me talk.

Him: You’re welcome!

Me: And for cuddling with me.

Him: You’re welcome!

Me: You’ve been so nice to me today!

Him: I’m trying to speak to you in your love language.

Me: You said you thought my primary love language was ALL of them?

Him: Yeah, I think that’s true.

Me: Well, that’s five love languages.

Silence.

Him: Actually, I’m pretty exhausted today.

Scene.

Winter

March 28, 2013

Winter has nearly killed me, you guys.

It has felt so long and so cold. I feel like I don’t really do much except bundle up in the morning and take the train to work. Then I bundle back up and head into the darkness and come home. I’ve been going a little stir-crazy and anxiety that I used to deal with once or twice every so often rears its head almost every day.

It’s funny how things can start to seem normal after awhile. Waking up with a pit in my stomach: normal. Acid reflux all the time: normal. Crying before I fall asleep: normal.

But it isn’t.

It’s dangerous for me in particular because I can fake it really, really well sometimes. I’m fine! I’m fine! I’m fine! Until I’m not. I’m not at all. And I haven’t been for a really long time but I didn’t want to bother you so…

I don’t know if it’s situational or if genetics have finally got the best of me, anxiety running for generations through both sides of my family. I have a feeling it’s both. But wherever it comes from, it has been crippling.

I have a support system in place and it helps but I feel like an anchor. Like I can only lean on them so many times before they just give up like enough already, pull it together.

But I haven’t been able to.

And it’s so frustrating and so sad.

I turn 30 tomorrow and thank heavens, I am going away to Florida with J and his family. I’m not naive enough to think that a short vacation will fix me. But I’m always hopeful in a reset. Just take some space and some time to exist without the pressure that comes at me every day from all angles.

I hope to come back here regularly sometime soon and I’m sorry that even writing a blog post has felt like too much lately. I miss writing a lot and I just I cannot wait for spring. For my body and for my heart.

I found this on my friend Laurie’s blog. She wrote these affirmations as New Year’s ‘resolutions’ but I’m adopting them for my 30th year.

They all seem so fitting.

Thanks for listening you guys.

xoxo

be vulnerable.

don’t pretend to be aloof. don’t pretend not to care. chin up, heart open.

be present.

stop compulsively checking my phone. stop living in the future and the past. stop distracting myself. when I’m reading a book, when I’m eating dinner, when I’m spending time with friends – be just where I am, and no place else.

be quiet.

I’ve learned how to tell people what I think; now I need to learn how to listen.

be compassionate.

stop being such a harsh judge of the people I love. stop being such a harsh judge of myself. we’re all on a journey and what we need most is acceptance and love. plus: sometimes I’m wrong.

be brave.

talk to strangers. ask for what I want. remember that the best things in my life were the reward of the scariest things I’ve done.

Hi, Blog.

December 3, 2012

Well, hello!

I few months ago, I wrote some stupid blog post about how I had lost momentum in my life and needed to just go out and MAKE STUFF HAPPEN because I lost my way a little bit. The problem was, in typical Laura fashion, once I got started with a little energy, I became a whirling tornado of DO ALL THE STUFF!!!! and I…um. I got in a little bit over my head.

This is a pretty strong pattern in my life, a tendency to go full throttle and take on as much as possible. (Not sure exactly what that’s about though I have some ideas.) I do have a lot of natural energy so bouncing around at high speeds is my ‘NORMAL’ setting and it is very, very hard for me to be still and just have a quiet night at home because WHAT ELSE COULD I BE DOING? I KNOW! I’LL COLOR COORDINATE THE BOOKSHELF AND TAKE AN ONLINE PERSONALITY QUIZ AND WHAT IS HAPPENING ACROSS THE STREET? SHOULD I GO SEE???

The challenge of living this way is that I will go go go until I physically can’t anymore and then I crash and burn and wonder whyyyy I can’t have a cookie and go to bed early because I’m so tiiiiiiiiired.

I’m sure we’ve all hit this place a few times, probably in college. Or at really stressful times in our lives when there is just simply too much going on.

I just kind of…operate this way all the time?

And it is so so fun until it is ABSOLUTELY HORRIBLE.

It’s not the greatest pattern and I think my big New Year’s resolution will be to gently and determinedly work on uprooting it at its core which I already know will not be fun for me at first. AT ALL.

It’s not really awesome to be running all over the place like a crazy face, especially when you’re engaged to a human being who you want to spend time with and who wants to spend time with you. This partnership is teaching me lots of things, in an obvious way that my life is no longer just about Myself. (SURPRISE.) That’s a difficult adjustment for me to make because all these years of dating and not dating in NYC have taught me how to be really self-sufficient and a little self-involved in that I don’t always pause and stop to think about the way others might be affected by my choices.

Or even me, for that matter! I’m not taking care of myself and therefore, I’m definitely not taking care of anyone else.

This is all to say that HI! I moved into an apartment and started a new job and I’m halfway done with my 200 hour vinyasa teacher certification and I’m doing a workshop of a new musical improv form a few nights in December and my fiancé is the studliest man alive and we’re trying to lock down a time and place for our wedding which is exciting but also impossible because weddings are expensive and HOW ARE YOU GUYS DOING? I HAVE BEEN A BIT BUSY.

Oh, I was so cute when I thought I would like, blog my way through my yoga training.

HA HA I’VE BEEN DOING IT FOR SEVEN WEEKS.

(I love it so hard.)

Also, I went to Los Angeles for Thanksgiving but my 2nd day there, my lips ballooned up like Meg Ryan’s due to an allergic reaction and hives broke out on my chin and my wrist and I ended up in an urgent care clinic where a nurse practitioner named Big Daddy gave me two shots of steroids and his carrot cake recipe.

In short, slow down, everyone.

And…I’ll just leave it at that.

The end.

What I Know About Planning A Wedding (Hint: Zero.)

October 30, 2012

After the shock of being engaged wore off (as well as the shock of moving into a new apartment, beginning yoga teacher training and starting a new full time job, NO BIG DEAL GUYS), I realized that eventually I would have to take steps to plan our wedding. I’ve always considered it kind of neat that I’m a down-to-earth gal who has definitely dreamed of being married but never really dreamed of what her wedding would look like. Now I consider that line of thinking COMPLETELY NONSENSICAL AND AWFUL.

(23 YEAR OLD LAURA! QUICK! START READING SOME BRIDAL THINGS! MAKE A LIST! NOWWWW!)

This is because girls who know how they want their BIG DAY (can we stop using this phrase? THANK YOU) to go probably shift easily into wedding planner mode. I am having some trouble making this transition. I’ve just been sitting around thinking that I should probably wear a dress of some sort and we should make a list of people we want to show up. Then I eat a bowl of cereal and consider my work for the day done.

Apparently, this is not how weddings are planned.

WHO KNEW???

Luckily, my fiancé (WHAT! I HAVE A FIANCE!) has been to about 35 million weddings and is a wonderful resource to use. I get stressed out when I think of the wedding as a huge gigantic blob of ?????????? What’s helpful is to think of one step at a time. First, we make a list of people we would like to invite so we can see how many guests there might be. Then we can move onto venues that can accommodate that number. EASY PEASY, RIGHT? (No, because then I think about the time of year I want it to be and if I want it near the beach or near a lake or in a barn strung with twine that my great-great grandfather made years ago on his farm in Poland.)

(This twine does not exist but you just try taking these Do It Yourself wedding websites seriously because I cannot. All I’ve learned is that I should use mason jars for something. ANYONE???)

The thing is, you guys, I am terrible with decision making. I second-guess myself constantly and it turns out that when you plan a wedding, you need to DECIDE things. Which is so great! You get to CHOOSE! My issue is that I love everything! I want a beach wedding AND a barn wedding AND my parents backyard AND let’s all fly to Costa Rica! WOOOOOOOO!

The TV show about planning my wedding would not be called SAY YES TO THE DRESS, it would be called SAY YES TO ALL OF IT YEAHHHHHHHH YOU GUYS PARTY TIME! (c).

Uh.

Hm.

Help.

Lucky for me, I know what I DO NOT want my wedding to involve so I made a list and hope this will get me closer what I *DO* want.

Here is the list of things that I’d like to avoid:

1. Dry/bland wedding cake

2. Anything involving a garter belt and other people watching

3. Anything involving the word ‘registry’.

4. Twine

The End.

So looks like I’m doing pretty well, right? I basically just need to stay fully clothed and make sure we have delicious desserts.

Is this thing planned yet?

There Is A Lot Happening Here.

October 25, 2012

In a span of about two weeks:

I started my 200 hour yoga teacher training program.

I moved into a new apartment.

I got engaged.

I got a job offer for a full time super awesome interesting position at my company with benefits and paid vacation and sick days AKA Something I Have Never Had Before In My Adult Life.

Oh, also I bought a new spice rack.

I realize this is all…

A lot.

I realize that life usually doesn’t work out this way but sometimes it does and I need to ride this peak with all my might so that one day when things aren’t going so hot, I can clink Amstel Lights with the stranger next to me on my barstool and drunkenly slur, “REMEMBER OCTOBER 2012? Shit, that was awesome.

IT IS SO AWESOME!!!

It’s so awesome I don’t even know where to start so I’ve just been walking around smiling a lot. I celebrate every day. Today, for example, I ate both a small brownie AND a huge cupcake. I wasn’t even sorry about it. Why should I be?

A new job, a super studly fiancé, a new apartment in a great new neighborhood, a place to hold my basil and thyme!? COME ON! Get excited. Also you can hit me if you want because I feel like this is getting to be obnoxious. But really, you can think of this as a make up post for all the sad dramatic blog entries that you’ve read over the years. Blogs that began “So I lost my job” or “I got in a fight with someone” or “Blah blah and I broke up”.

HA HA SUCKERS!

Those days are over.

Now I can do what I really want which is furiously type up an immense collection of boring blog entries titled things like “That Time Everything Went My Way”, “Having It All: My Life Every Day”, and “My Spice Rack, My Love”.

Get excited, you guys!

Woo!

Road Trip

October 5, 2012

Just in case you thought I could spend the holiday weekend packing…

I CANNOT!

Because the Dlugs are going on a much anticipated family vacation beginning this evening.

I cannot tell you the last time all six of us went on vacation. (There was a family wedding in Boston we all went to a few years ago but aside from that…mid-1990’s?)

Last year, my mother, possibly feeling the sadness that was all four of her babies out of the house forever, decided that we should possibly skip Christmas presents and plan a trip instead. We were instructed to just buy each other one small gift for Christmas and then, VACATION HERE WE COME!

What happened was that everyone got one gift.

And we never planned a vacation.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, CRATCHIT FAMILY! (No presents but lots of love! And God Bless Us Everyone!)

Big families = lots of opinions and busy schedules! We couldn’t decide where to go, when to go, what to do, sister in grad school, older brother running marathons, younger brother doing…whatever it is 22 year olds do…

Finally this past summer, I was all ENOUGH ALREADY YOU GUYS and rented a farm house upstate for us.

We had grand plans for apple picking and leaf peeping and oh what a magical Columbus Day weekend it will be!

Welp. Now it’s supposed to rain all weekend so I guess it will be more like…baking pumpkin brownies and drinking wine.

And that sounds…perfect?

Oh, I am so, so excited! Basically because: SO MUCH BLOG FODDER! (My dad, amirite!?!?)

I will be back next week with much to report! Huzzah, fall! family! brownies!

Transition

October 2, 2012

When I moved into my current three bedroom apartment in Astoria with two friends from college, I didn’t think I would be staying very long. I had plans to be an actor and I assumed I would book work easily and I would have to sublet while I worked out of town and then maybe I would move because New Yorkers are always moving and landlords jack the rent up, etc.

That was May 2005.

Then one roommate left, a subletter came in (she became my best friend, Alayna), another roommate left, another friend from college came in (sweet Troy, who stayed for 6 years), subletter, new roommate, subletter, moving out, moving in, around and around we go, apartment carousel.

Today is October 2012.

I am the last man standing.

I am moving out of my apartment next week.

Troy, the first friend I made in college, finally moved out this past spring and once that happened, the apartment stopped feeling like home. I’m friendly with my two current roommates but not close and I’d walk in the door and find no one was there to hear about my day and commiserate or make me laugh or show me a YouTube link or share a meal or light a candle and shake me up a cocktail.

I hadn’t realized, I guess, that my sense of home had more to do with a person and less to do with the physical space.

Ever since the spring, I’ve been itching to pack up and move on, to begin a new chapter. Specifically, with the person who feels the most like home to me.

Next week, I am doing just that.

My boyfriend and I are moving into our own new little home, just a few minutes away, in Long Island City.

We’ve been apartment hunting over the past month, each weekend dragging ourselves to neighborhoods everywhere, Brooklyn, Manhattan, Queens. We’d see a few places, then take a stroll around, then sit at a local bar and scribble on napkins, what we liked, what we didn’t, what our priorities were, what our money situation would have to be to make it happen.

In case you didn’t know, the rental market in New York City right now is the worst it’s ever been with a whopping 1% of all city apartments available for rent. ONE PERCENT!!! A lot of what we saw was overpriced and small (for example, a one bedroom on Avenue D across from the projects going for $2,900 HA HA HA KILL ME NOW!)

At one point my boyfriend wondered aloud, “Does EVERY kid with a trust fund move here!?”

Yes, yes they do.

Long Island City was the first neighborhood we looked at and we left a little disappointed because we loved it so much (amazing commute to the city, gorgeous views of Manhattan skyline, adorable shops and restaurants) but couldn’t afford the rent in the new high rise buildings that have taken over. (My boyfriend dubbed it Dubai. Everything is shiny!)

As luck would have it, this past Saturday we found a fantastic apartment in an older building there, second floor walk up, new kitchen and hardwood floors. It’s the coziest place on a beautiful street and it is so perfect for us that I’ve been holding my breath just in case the landlord changes his mind and yanks it away.

For now, it’s ours.

And so I leave you now, as I attempt to clean out my living space where I have accumulated um, all the things! over the past seven and a half years.

You guys, I still have CD’s. BROADWAY CD’s.

COMPACT DISCS OF SHOWTUNES!!!

Also a DVD of Edward Scissorhands.

(ANY TAKERS???)

Also, here’s a card I found in my closet from my best friend JK for my birthday one year:

Also, here’s my headshot from 2003:

ALSO YOU GUYS I AM SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!