Blogging About Blogging


January 3, 2013


So, I’ve been thinking a lot about this space and how I write so much less than I used to and it makes me sad. I’m trying to figure out what would compel me to write more, share more and what kind of space/time I would need to do that.

MORE IMPORTANTLY, I also have been thinking about the fact that I created ‘The Spectrum’ when I was 14. FOURTEEN!!! I am so much older now! GOOD GOD. I AM ALMOST 30.

ANYWAY, when I was 14,  ‘The Spectrum’ didn’t really mean anything or it just meant everything and I thought it was kind of fun, spanning all topics, blar dee blar blagh.

Obviously now, in 2012, almost 2013, things are different. The phrase ‘the spectrum’ is usually used when discussing autism and special needs diagnoses in children.

I would REALLY REALLY hate for anyone to think that I am using this blog to poke fun at that.

And I REALLY REALLY hate coming up in Google searches when poor parents are trying to find information about their kids and then they click here and I’m like HA HA DUMPLINGS AND MY DAD! LOL!


So, I’m thinking of shutting The Spectrum down out of respect for the term and freeing up this domain and putting my thoughts elsewhere on the internet.

Anyone have any ideas for new blog names? Do people even have blogs anymore? I should start a tumblr instead but I’m just not into it.

Let me know! I am going to attempt to move some archives and items over to a new space shortly into the new year, which will help get rid of all those old posts I am VERY EMBARRASSED ABOUT while keeping some old favorites.

Your thoughts always welcome!

What’s new with me: I got new glasses and did that weird trendy ombre thing to my hair though you can barely tell. I went to North Carolina to spend some time with my delicious fiancé and his close friends which meant just lots of this + wine:

Ombre + weird face!

Hope you guys are doing awesome! I made so many resolutions but most of them are really boring! AND YOU?




There Is A Lot Happening Here.

October 25, 2012

In a span of about two weeks:

I started my 200 hour yoga teacher training program.

I moved into a new apartment.

I got engaged.

I got a job offer for a full time super awesome interesting position at my company with benefits and paid vacation and sick days AKA Something I Have Never Had Before In My Adult Life.

Oh, also I bought a new spice rack.

I realize this is all…

A lot.

I realize that life usually doesn’t work out this way but sometimes it does and I need to ride this peak with all my might so that one day when things aren’t going so hot, I can clink Amstel Lights with the stranger next to me on my barstool and drunkenly slur, “REMEMBER OCTOBER 2012? Shit, that was awesome.


It’s so awesome I don’t even know where to start so I’ve just been walking around smiling a lot. I celebrate every day. Today, for example, I ate both a small brownie AND a huge cupcake. I wasn’t even sorry about it. Why should I be?

A new job, a super studly fiancé, a new apartment in a great new neighborhood, a place to hold my basil and thyme!? COME ON! Get excited. Also you can hit me if you want because I feel like this is getting to be obnoxious. But really, you can think of this as a make up post for all the sad dramatic blog entries that you’ve read over the years. Blogs that began “So I lost my job” or “I got in a fight with someone” or “Blah blah and I broke up”.


Those days are over.

Now I can do what I really want which is furiously type up an immense collection of boring blog entries titled things like “That Time Everything Went My Way”, “Having It All: My Life Every Day”, and “My Spice Rack, My Love”.

Get excited, you guys!


The History of TheSpectrum

June 8, 2012

I started blogging when I was 14 years old. My brother created a website for me using a program called HomeSite and I borrowed a bright blue tie-dye background from some design website which let you download stuff for free. My entries were dated like a diary and I usually put a quote underneath the date, sometimes from a poem, sometimes from a showtune.

I would write a post downstairs in the living room and then call up to my brother who was on his own computer (I think that he made himself? Built himself? What?) in his room and ask DID YOU READ IT? DID IT WORK???

I used full names because Google wasn’t a thing yet and I wrote completely without thought, as evidenced by the numerous times I got in trouble with my parents and friends who accused me (rightly so) of writing about things instead of communicating with people directly and also for hurting their feelings and being generally annoying. ALL TRUE! OH, THE AGE OF FOURTEEN!

(Also, free lesson: you should not put the full name of anyone on a website without their permission but you should ESPECIALLY not put the full name of a good Christian girl you know from high school on your website and write that you were astonished to learn she smoked pot at a party. This is just a tip for all you 14 year olds out there. Good thing my parents were like WHAT THAT IS NOT OKAY so I took it down and then my mom later was like SERIOUSLY SHE SMOKES POT? HOW CAN THAT BE? SHE GOES TO CHURCH!!!! So basically both mine and my mom’s innocence were shattered in that moment.)

(Also, it was 1998 and my parents were teaching me internet etiquette. INCREDIBLE! AHEAD OF THEIR TIME!)

Anyway. I believe I still continued to blog inappropriately until, oh, I don’t know, I’m probably still doing it. Throughout my twenties, I took my blog pretty seriously and while I often tried to express myself in a light-hearted way, I realize as I re-read some old posts (AND CRINGE GAH AWFUL WHAT), that I used my blog a lot to work out tons of more serious things – heart breaks and friendship rifts, career questions and confusion about growing up, babysitting, babysitting, babysitting, my dad who got sick, my dad who got better, fights with my mom, love for my mom.

So many of those posts embarrass me now, especially because a lot of them are still up and available and can be clicked through by anyone. From time to time, I still feel pangs of guilt when I think about pieces of people I overshared and hurtful things I said. I can’t explain it but it felt so important to share my perspective and pretend people were listening and I must admit that I still think that’s true and that feeling ultimately overrides any hesitancy to write or embarrassment I feel when someone says to my face I HAVE NO IDEA WHY PEOPLE HAVE BLOGS. I THINK THAT’S SO WEIRD.

(I find that usually the people that say this are the same people on Facebook who post status updates about their bodily functions or how drunk they are so…okay!)

It’s a fine line as always, to write because you feel compelled to and share because you see value in it and…wanting to keep it all private. I struggle more and more with that now which is why I’m quieter than ever in this space. It’s kind of astonishing to think that I’m still maintaining a website that is now fifteen years old! No longer in journal form, though. Rarely do I post a quote. Even its title, The Spectrum, which didn’t really used to mean anything except perhaps that I spanned a whole lot of topics, means something different now, which leads me to believe a lot of people come here looking for me to write about kids with special needs or autism.

(I am sorry to let you down.)

Along with sharing too much and embarrassing myself and others, when I re-read older posts, I actually can see myself developing a writing style. I can see my sense of humor grow too, what I found funny, what I took seriously. I can read pieces here and there and actually watch myself grow, instantly transport to that place and time and see how differently I looked at things. It’s hard not to judge young Laura for BEING AN IDIOT A LOT. But it’s easy to love her too, for trying. And oh man, she tries so hard all the time. There’s something sweet in being able to see that. Of course there is.

I don’t really have a point except to say that I really still love this blog. My Mondo Beyondo list on the side is so irrelevant at this point I need to take it down or do it over. I haven’t posted a book I’ve read all year. (Fifty Shades of Grey, it was as awful as everyone said it was going to be.) I should probably spend a weekend taking down posts that include people that are not in my life anymore, for their sake and mine.

But ultimately, oh well.

I don’t really have anything to say to people who don’t understand blogging or why you would put certain things on the internet. Hell, I don’t even know why I’ve put certain things on the internet but I do know that it’s helped me so much in so many ways. Being able to go back and re-read parts of my life can certainly stress me out but it’s really great too, not to mention all the people who have cheered me on in the comments, made me think and made me laugh, made me feel valuable.


It’s not. I just like it here. I’m trying to write more. Sometimes I get stuck. Truth be told, I’ve also been dealing with a lot of anxiety which is a relatively new phenomenon in my life. It runs in my family but it’s only just showed itself to me over the past year or so. It’s very scary, to say the least and it makes me have a lot of compassion for people who have dealt with this their whole lives.

Hopefully soon I can talk more about it! Right now I don’t have a lot to say except that…anxiety has been making me anxious?


But I love The Spectrum and I just wanted to let it know.


Good. Glad we got that out.

I Miss My Blog.

April 20, 2012

That’s all.

I am coughing while I type this.

November 9, 2011

Forgive me for not blogging. I have been very busy hacking up the contents of my lungs. All day. All the time.

Yes. I am still sick.

So the flu zapped me and it sucked and then I had a lingering cough which everyone said was normal because the flu gets all up in your respiratory system and it didn’t seem to be getting better but it didn’t seem to be getting worse but oh wait, that’s probably not normal, how hard I am coughing right now, owwwwwww IT BURNS IT BURNS hack hack etc. SUFFICE IT TO SAY I am going to see a doctor tomorrow morning, nearly three weeks after the initial OH HELP I AM UNDER ATTACK incident.

That’s kind of all that’s been up with me and I hate to be that person who blogs about her illness but THERE IT IS. I have the whooping cough of death. It’s very attractive and I assume everyone who sits next to me on the subway is THRILLED!!! when I let loose! COUGH COUGH YOU ARE WELCOME.

I’m just boosting everyone’s immune systems, guys. Just makin’ sure your bodies are fighting the good fight.

That’s really all I got.

It’s November, which is madness! And New York City is full of beautiful leaves and warmish weather! Which makes me so love it so so much.

What have you been eating for lunch? I made a Barefoot Contessa lentil soup which was OUT OF CONTROL, you guys. And in a sick daze, I walked to the grocery store and came back with one box of Lucky Charms and that’s it and I’m still not quite sure how or why that happened but there it is, I confessed it.

I have no idea how to wrap this up as this has been my lamest blog entry to date. I think my work is done here – cough, cereal, autumn.


Merry Christmas!

December 23, 2010

and a Happy New Year!

Tom is in town so I’ve been busy spending time with him, eating Thai food and seeing some Broadway shows.

Tomorrow, we head home to Long Island for Christmas Eve madness. Pretty sure I’m making red velvet cake balls. Pretty sure they will be the hit of the festivities.

My father’s urine sample from his pre-op physical came back abnormal and we unfortunately have to wait until Monday to find out if his surgery is still a go for the 29th. This is throwing a little sadness and stress into his holiday cheer so if you could cross your fingers once again for my pops, that’d be fantastic of you. IT’S ALWAYS SOMETHING, AMIRITE?

I will keep you posted. If everything is alright, dad is set for a new hip next Wednesday and we are pretty thrilled about it. Let’s just hope that happens.

In the mean time, I totally rocked my Christmas shopping this year. Seriously, I did. It’s not every year you find a magnetic finger puppet of Nietzsche for your brother the atheist, RIGHT??? COME ON.

I hope all of you have a very merry Christmas and a very celebratory Kwanzaa. I’m super excited to be home with my family, to wheel my dad to Christmas mass, to listen to Amy Grant’s Christmas album while my mom bakes cookies, to sit in front of the fireplace with a new book, to watch my older brother open his magnetic finger puppet of Nietzsche.

You know, the usual.

Merry merry Christmas little blog family! You have inspired me to keep writing and you have kept me and my family afloat this year with your comments and encouragement and well wishes. I am so happy to have built a tiny community on the internet, where I can always depend on Meggie to Tweet me about Glee and Tim Eimiller to leave a completely irrelevant comment on my blog about The Who.


May your days be merry and bright.

And may my torn Achilles tendon heal magically overnight in communion with the saints in glory. Amen.


PS. Here is a picture of me that was taken without my knowledge at my office Christmas party. It looks like I am gazing in wonder, full of the warmth and holiness of the season. I am actually watching the head of my department sing her karaoke version of “I Touch Myself”. Also, I’d been drinking for seven hours at the time this photo was taken.




Comment For Thought

January 13, 2010

I read the comment below on another blog and it stopped me in my tracks. How freeing and wonderful to realize for yourself that even if your plans don’t result in the desired outcome, it doesn’t mean you are a failure and incapable of success and happiness. Like the commenter below, I make plans and lists, set goals and move toward them but I do believe that I am still a whole person, regardless of whether I ever 1) see the Great Wall of China B) have a natural childbirth 4d) become a working actor. What lovely inspiration and reassurance for all of us who struggle with this particular issue!

In therapy the other day, we ended up talking about what it means to be “mature.” For me, this ended up centering around what it means to have plans for your life and then NOT have them come to fruition.

I have, for a long time, been stuck with this notion that if I make a plan and it doesn’t happen in just the way I imagined it…I have failed.

How liberating it has been to see that this is not necessarily the case! I can make plans, sure, they help me decide what to do next. But should that plan not unfold in the way I expect, I find that I am now able not only to accept that…but to actually enjoy the ride.

Because You Loved Me

May 6, 2009

I’ve been M.I.A. for a little bit due to some hormonal problems and by problems I mean one day, my uterus won’t be out to get me, you guys. One day. One beautiful brand new glorious day.

For now, I am left with really terrible ideas for blog posts including but not limited to Why My Uterus Is Out To Get Me and How Many Hormone Shifts Can A Girl Handle Before She Jumps Out A Window.

I’d rather not share those with you.

If you don’t mind.

The Roommate is in LA until Sunday so I volunteered to move his car tonight for alternate side parking. All was going well until parking spaces proved harder to find than originally thought, leaving me to loop around enough times to hear Delilah on the radio sending out love song requests. As I circled around the block over and over again, some 19 year old girl was dedicating a song to her mom who works two jobs and Delilah was reassuring her and telling her what a strong independent young woman her mother was raising and AREN’T WOMEN AMAZING and before I knew it, I was bawling my eyes out while simultaneously singing along to Celine Dion at the top of my lungs.


At this point, I started pounding my fists on the steering wheel for emphasis.


I held my hand up, pretending to light my lighter, swaying it back and forth.


That Delilah. She always tugs my heart strings.

If you were walking on 23rd Avenue at that moment, I sincerely apologize. I wasn’t properly warmed up and the crying caused me to wail a little under pitch. In conclusion, we will be back to regular programming soon. In the mean time, should you frequent my neighborhood, I suggest wearing ear plugs. I’m about to go blast my Totally 80’s Playlist and since no one is home but me, there is no telling just how loud this dance party is gonna get. AWWWWWWW YEAH.

Cautious But Curious

April 10, 2009

I’ve been wanting to talk about what it’s like to have a blog.

Well, it’s a MAGICAL THING, folks!

No, but seriously. I wanted to write about how it feels to write about my life.

And post it on the internet.

How it feels to know that old friends and my mom’s parish priests and a few ex-boyfriends are here. Keeping tabs on me.

And how I have little to no interaction with any of them in real life.

And how that makes me hesitant sometimes. To continue to write and reveal and pour things out, most of them silly and sarcastic but some of them heartfelt and genuine. How I feel like sometimes I want to highlight this entire thing and press DELETE because I’m not really sure what the point is.

So, okay. I guess I should back up.

After a recent post about stepping back into the dating world, I actually DID step back into the dating world.



I did not achieve WORLD DOMINATION via dating everyone in sight as I had so hoped I would do. Rather, I went on a date. Singular. One.

It felt great to do that! and I thought YES! AM TOTALLY CAPABLE OF DOING THIS. DATING IN THE REAL WORLD. However, a few nights before we went out, we exchanged e-mail addresses and after I clicked SEND, I realized that he had my last name.

And could therefore Google me.

And I know by now that Google turns up some fun things—an article about me from a college theater festival, a picture taken of me on from a Marc Jacobs after party and oh, yeah, my blog.


Hi! Potential people I might date! HOW ARE YOU? HERE IS MY LIFE STORY.

Laurie recently wrote about this in a way that is so brilliant that I will simply cut and paste it. She speaks English much better than I do.

When people I know in real life read my blog, it can sometimes create an awkward imbalance. Especially for acquaintances, people I’ve just met, and friends with whom I’ve fallen out of touch, my blog can create a one-sided feeling of connectedness. There are times when people I barely know hold me to the standards you’d hold a close friend, forgetting that I know almost nothing about them or their lives, and that most of what they know about me is a public presentation.

These people aren’t delusional; I’ve been guilty of this in the reverse. I know as well as anyone that when reading a person’s blog, especially one that’s fairly personal, it’s hard to not feel like that person is my friend. But, for me, it’s important to draw a distinction between the presence and energy I offer my close friends and what I offer to those with whom I haven’t built that kind of relationship. This is one of my biggest personal struggles.

In dating relationships, this one-sidedness is of particular concern. Can you imagine if someone you’d been seeing for a week could click on your blog and, in a few short hours, learn the gory details of your last three relationships, leaving you to learn about theirs the old-fashioned way? What if they suddenly knew– or thought they knew– all your weakest moments and your finest hours, your insecurities and your quirks and your inside jokes, while you were still wondering what they studied in college?

So. Just. Yeah. What she said.

It makes things awkward for the person who Googled me because they have to then confess that they did that and risk sounding all stalkerish. (Though personally, I do not find that stalkerish at all. Probably because I do it too.) It makes things awkward for me because I have to somehow bring up the blog in a natural way while also possibly suggesting they stay away from it for awhile.

It also makes things sucky for YOU, the reader, because don’t you want to hear juicy details about my dates? I MEAN, DON’T YOU!?!?!?

And I was so thrilled that I was going to have some interesting things to say! So excited that I could be open on here about my dating experiences. Except I totally forgot that this is the INTERNET and therefore, NOT A PRIVATE DIARY a la 7th grade.

So, ew.

How does one HANDLE THIS!?

A few years ago, I was infatuated with a boy who lived in Atlanta. We spent most of our brief relationship on the telephone. Early on, out of nowhere, he got quiet and said, “Soooo, I don’t want you to think I’m crazy…”




“I googled you today looking for your myspace page or whatever. And instead, uh, I found your blog. I want to first say that you are HILARIOUS. So funny. And also that, um, it made me feel a little weird because it’s really personal. And I don’t know you that well yet so…if it’s okay with you, I’d like to get to know you the old-fashioned way.”

And then my heart melted into a puddle on the floor because WAY TO BE HONEST AND AWESOME, DUDE.

Things haven’t always gone so well. There was also that time when I wrote an entire blog post about how I didn’t feel like dating anyone, didn’t feel like dealing with all the bullshit, etc. And then proceeded to go on four dates with a guy. Who then googled me and found that blog post.

“Uh, so, you know how, when you’re bored…you…google people you know?”

“Um. I guess?”

“I googled you and…”

“Found my blog…”

“Yes. And I want to know why you told the whole internet you didn’t want to date anybody and didn’t tell me.”


And then I jumped out a window and killed myself.

So, there you have it. Best and worst reactions from people I have dated re: The Blog.

And there is middle ground, of course.

An ex of mine had his own blog. It came up in conversation before we were dating, when we were just friends getting to know each other. It made everything really easy until, uh, we broke up. BUT STILL — getting it out there in the first place was simple.

My most recent boyfriend knew about my blog long before we dated as well. He encouraged my writing and I would sometimes blog sitting next to him on the couch as we watched television. He’d read it the next day at work and leave a comment.

Knowing my real name is attached to my writing holds me accountable. It forces me to think about the people who could find it and read it. It demands that I keep healthy boundaries and write with respect. These are things one might do naturally; I had to acquire that skill and I hurt many people while I learned that lesson. And I must confess that sometimes I’m pissed I learned that lesson at all because I have got some GREAT STORIES that now I just can’t tell.

People still get mad sometimes. I’ve had boyfriends get upset that I wrote about them. I’ve had boyfriends get upset that I didn’t write about them. I’ve had friends accuse me of writing on my blog instead of communicating my true feelings in person. I’ve been told by family members that my writing is un-Christian and rude, unflattering and harmful.

I try to speak the truth. I try to be present in my real life first and foremost. I try to paint a portrait of myself that is more than a little bit accurate. I try to expose my flaws and strengths equally. I will completely respect anyone who comes to me and says “Please do not write about me on there.”

I think I have.

But I’m back to the original question which is, how do you tell someone you have the blog in the first place? Specifically in a romantic situation?



They deserve privacy.

But I still crave this creative outlet.

And omitting facts sometimes feels like lying.

So, what to do, what to do?

I don’t have any answers. When I find them, I’ll let you know.

For now, all you need to know is that I went on a date. And it totally didn’t suck. Not in the slightest. Not even a little at all.

Staring Into Space, Blinking, Etc.

March 10, 2009

I’ve been staring at the same blog post for about four consecutive days, trying to figure out how to write words and put them into a sentence and put those sentences into paragraphs. You know, blog or whatever. I can’t do it. I have no idea what I’m trying to say. I have no idea how to THINK straight. I end up looking at a word, deleting it, typing it over, deleting it, starting again, and ON AND ON AND ON.

I have a few videos I wanted to upload but then I thought WOW! Maybe I should edit them together like, make a VLOG and shit! And then I realized that takes a TON OF EFFORT and also that my laptop currently has about 1 MB left of space on it which makes everything run soooooooooooooooooo slowly and I DO NOT HAVE THE PATIENCE FOR THAT.

So I get really stressed out and this whole time I’m all,  I HAVE TO BLOG *SOMETHING* OR MY WORLD WILL FALL APART.

Guess what? My world is still here, functioning rather nicely except for that bitch called Daylight Savings Time.

I don’t know if it’s just that or a combination of that mixed with my lovely hormones but OH MY GOD I cannot get enough sleep. I went to bed at 10:30 last night and couldn’t get out of bed until almost 8:30.


Get the hell UP, Woman.

But I can’t. I feel really heavy and lethargic, slow-moving, kind of like a grizzly bear. THUMP THUMP to the bathroom, lumbering down the stairs, going through someone’s trash. You know? Just, no energy. None. Please someone, anyone, tell me where I can find some.

So, let’s just have a nice light blog post where we don’t have to form coherent sentences, where I can get away with updating you all on my life with as little thinking as possible.

HEY. Do you guys want to see some pictures?! OF COURSE YOU DO. The picture below was taken last week at my good buddy JK’s birthday party. Do you see me smiling like an idiot at nothing in particular AKA Me All The Time? AWESOME.


Let’s see this picture again with added commentary, courtesy of the very expensive graphic design program known as PAINT:


There were other pictures taken. Pictures where I try to hide my sheer excitement and zest for living and fail miserably.




You can’t really tell from those pictures but I took my shoes off and walked around the party in my socks. It’s a long complicated story that goes like this “I felt like taking my shoes off. So I did. The End.”


I took one of the best pictures of JK ever in the history of the universe and here it is. I think he looks like a cartoon. If Jack Black were a cartoon.bday-boy

In other news, it is almost MY birthday. I think I am decidedly over the typical New York City birthday celebration which usually involves the birthday person e-mailing everyone she’s ever met and being all COME TO A BAR TONIGHT! MAH BIRFDAY! BE MAH FRIEND!


I think maybe a few of my besties and I will go for brunch and then…well. That’s it, I think. We’ll just…get some brunch. And then maybe if it’s warm out (PLEASE BE WARM OUT!), I can walk around the park/neighborhood of my choosing. And perhaps get a cupcake. Or an iced coffee. And hold hands with Alayna while we skip through the city.

Because people, what I have realized is that I prefer spending quality time with the people close to me doing BANAL SHIT that makes me happy MUCH BETTER than I like doing shots at a bar with people I see once a year.

Oh. With the exception of the year 2012 of course.

See? That year I am turning 29 on the 29th. IT WILL BE MY GOLDEN BIRTHDAY. So, please, all of you, save the date. Because, it’s going to be totally insane.

THAT BEING SAID. Until that time, I would like to have mellow, meaningful birthdays with some guacamole and some cupcakes and the people who make me laugh.

The other night, my roommate was all YOU ARE TURNING 26! HOW DID WE GET SO OLD!? And then he proceeded to lock himself in the bathroom and dye his hair because HE WAS GOING GRAY. SRSLY.

I thought that as I got older, I would be one of those people who would seriously freak out. One of those people who would take stock of where they were and think about where they THOUGHT they’d be and have a total meltdown. BUT! I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE PREGNANT ALREADY! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! And let’s be honest, I have these moments sporadically but…they never stay very long and they don’t cause me all that much distress. At least, not as much as they used to.

So, surprise. I love getting older. With every year that passes, I feel my feet dig into the earth a little deeper, my heart open wider, my compassion and understanding expanding. I am learning so much and growing so much and yes, sometimes I feel behind. I feel that everyone is getting somewhere and I’m not. The difference is that the older I get, the more I realize that that is a fallacy. And that the only thing that matters is where I am and not where you are.

And where I am right now folks?

Is falling asleep at my desk.

SO, I’ll be back soon with something better. For now, I am going to go make some tea. And blink at my e-mail Inbox. And think about how my life just keeps getting better and better.