Winter

March 28, 2013

Winter has nearly killed me, you guys.

It has felt so long and so cold. I feel like I don’t really do much except bundle up in the morning and take the train to work. Then I bundle back up and head into the darkness and come home. I’ve been going a little stir-crazy and anxiety that I used to deal with once or twice every so often rears its head almost every day.

It’s funny how things can start to seem normal after awhile. Waking up with a pit in my stomach: normal. Acid reflux all the time: normal. Crying before I fall asleep: normal.

But it isn’t.

It’s dangerous for me in particular because I can fake it really, really well sometimes. I’m fine! I’m fine! I’m fine! Until I’m not. I’m not at all. And I haven’t been for a really long time but I didn’t want to bother you so…

I don’t know if it’s situational or if genetics have finally got the best of me, anxiety running for generations through both sides of my family. I have a feeling it’s both. But wherever it comes from, it has been crippling.

I have a support system in place and it helps but I feel like an anchor. Like I can only lean on them so many times before they just give up like enough already, pull it together.

But I haven’t been able to.

And it’s so frustrating and so sad.

I turn 30 tomorrow and thank heavens, I am going away to Florida with J and his family. I’m not naive enough to think that a short vacation will fix me. But I’m always hopeful in a reset. Just take some space and some time to exist without the pressure that comes at me every day from all angles.

I hope to come back here regularly sometime soon and I’m sorry that even writing a blog post has felt like too much lately. I miss writing a lot and I just I cannot wait for spring. For my body and for my heart.

I found this on my friend Laurie’s blog. She wrote these affirmations as New Year’s ‘resolutions’ but I’m adopting them for my 30th year.

They all seem so fitting.

Thanks for listening you guys.

xoxo

be vulnerable.

don’t pretend to be aloof. don’t pretend not to care. chin up, heart open.

be present.

stop compulsively checking my phone. stop living in the future and the past. stop distracting myself. when I’m reading a book, when I’m eating dinner, when I’m spending time with friends – be just where I am, and no place else.

be quiet.

I’ve learned how to tell people what I think; now I need to learn how to listen.

be compassionate.

stop being such a harsh judge of the people I love. stop being such a harsh judge of myself. we’re all on a journey and what we need most is acceptance and love. plus: sometimes I’m wrong.

be brave.

talk to strangers. ask for what I want. remember that the best things in my life were the reward of the scariest things I’ve done.

6 comments

  • Jenny

    Down South, spring sprung and then we had a cold snap and my LORD have I been grumpy. Happy 30th! Hope your trip helps and that you feel better ASAP.

  • Sandra

    I think anxiety comes along with being Highly Sensitive. All I’ll say is that you seem well and truly loved, and I very much doubt that any of your loved ones would give up on you. Take care, and know that you are loved!

  • TheSpectrum

    Thanks you guys. Sandra, I completely agree. I sometimes feel like I am walking around without skin – like all my nerves and emotions are just sitting on the surface and every little thing pricks me and it’s insanely painful. Pretty tough stuff!

  • Sandra

    And then you wonder how other people handle it. Well, you’re not alone!

  • Tim Eimiller

    “We’re all on a journey and what we need most is acceptance and love.”

    Good words.

  • Tim Eimiller

    Really sorry to hear how tough this winter has been on you. Sending some prayers your way.

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