Where have I been, you guys?

Guess!

Sunbathing in a tropical climate?

Eloping with a very wealthy financier?

Learning how to Irish step dance?

If you guessed ‘In bed, dying of consumption’, GUESS WHAT? YOU WIN.

Consumption is one of many of my father’s favorite ‘old days’ diseases that he busts out whenever any of us are feeling bad.

“YOUR MUTHA’S NOT FEELING WELL. MUST BE DIVERTICULITIS.”

This was all hilarious until my grandmother came down with ACTUAL diverticulitis a few years ago.

She was fine.

And then it was even funnier.

Apparently some of dad’s diseases still exist.

Just like consumption.

Which I got last Saturday out of the blue.

I was in the middle of working out, took a sip of water and thought ‘Hm, that’s a sore throat’ and by the time I got home I just stared vacantly at a wall and told my boyfriend I was pretty sure death was imminent and BAM, there it was. Fever. Chills. Sore muscles. Sore throat. Sore everything.

IT WAS THE FLU, YOU GUYS!

At least I’m kind of sure that’s what it was/is. BECAUSE I STILL HAVE IT! A week later. It has knocked me out in a way that I was just not expecting. I’m a relatively healthy human being who maybe gets the occasional cold so no matter what illness it is, I always give it 2-3 days and I’ll be brand new, right?

Seven days and counting…

I was stuck at my boyfriend’s place from Saturday until Wednesday, feeling too sick to go home. And I’m using ‘stuck’ loosely because do you know how awesome it is to have someone else bring you Theraflu, three types of soup, various juices and then a chocolate milkshake when they walk in the door from work because your throat hurts?

Geez.

Let it be said that I spent lots of time weeping at his generosity and mumbling things about the true meaning of love and self-sacrifice and…I blame the fever.

ALSO! Because he is awesome, my boyfriend has a Roku which streams Netflix directly to the television so I watched more TV in two days than I have all year. (FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS! GREATEST SHOW EVER, RIGHT GUYS? Don’t spoil anything for me, I’m on season three.)

Sadly, most of the time I felt so sick the glare of the television wasn’t even worth it and I sort of drifted in and out of sleep wondering if I had meningitis because that there is some scary stuff and I never got vaccinated and what if my life is over? Right here? Right now?

Deeeeep.

I finally left my boyfriend’s apartment on Wednesday (not dead! yes!) to get some fresh air and to head back home to Queens.

On Thursday morning I woke up and walked out the door to move my car which is a weird thing you have to do in New York City and I stood in the middle of the street staring at where my car was supposed to be wondering if I was still asleep because…what is happening? My car has disappeared? In its place was a yellow taxi cab.

The owner of the cab was walking toward me, about to move his car so I asked him if anything had happened over the past few days while I’d been gone.

“What?”

“Uh, my car? It was…right there. And now…it is gone. So…?”

“OH, THE TV!” he shouted. “THEY FILM THE TV HERE! THEY POST SIGN TO MOVE CARS OR THEY TOW IT!”

Greaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat.

I called ’311′ and gave the lady my license plate number, my head pounding, my nose stuffy, standing outside wandering the streets of Astoria in the RAIN because I like to paint the most pathetic picture imaginable whenever I can and the woman on the phone said she had no record of my car being taken away.

“Did you call the precinct?” she asked me.

“AM I IN TROUBLE?”

“No, baby girl, sometimes with movie shoots, they’ll just tow your car around the block to get it out of the way. If you call them, they might know where it is.”

Then she transferred me to my local precinct and I talked to an actual cop which made me nervous EVEN THOUGH I AM INNOCENT and sure enough, he gave me the address of my car which was parked three blocks away.

Is that not the weirdest thing ever?

Law & Order: SVU comes to my street, shuts it down to film (WHICH I AM DEVASTATED TO HAVE MISSED!) and the cops just tow my car for free and put a big sticker on it that tells other cops not to ticket it or tow it for 48 hours because NOT MY FAULT! DETECTIVE STABLER NEEDED TO SOLVE A CHILD MOLESTATION CRIME!

What!?

In the end, I still have the flu, the remnants being an awful pounding headache every night at 7 am (someone explain this to me?), a stuffy nose, some delicious post-nasal drip and the desire to eat lots and lots of Halloween candy.

But I found my car! And I hope I get better soon. I’m just not used to being so…sick?

WHICH SHOULD HUMBLE ME.

But instead makes me angry.

Of course.

Alright, guys.

Have a healthy weekend! I hear we’re supposed to get some snow tomorrow! I BET THAT WILL BE GREAT FOR MY COLD!

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! The end.