Do You Have A Sec For Awkward Confrontation?
On any given day, on any given busy New York City street, I am stopped regularly by people who want my money people who want to change the world.
“Do you have a second for Children International?” some eager fresh out of college kid asks me.
I’m supposed to say yes and then they will energetically recite some schpiel about why Children International is amazing and I can sign up to give them money every day for the rest of my life! Awesome!
“Sorry!” I say instead and sometimes the volunteer (do they get paid to do this?) waves and says thanks and sometimes I’m subjected to a few more tries as they frantically call after me down the street.
“It’ll only take a second! I know you want to help! YOU’VE GOT A GREAT SMILE!!!”
Well thank you sir, I think that’s true but I have no interest in saving the children.
Well I do, of course but I can’t save everyone and money is tight and I’M SORRRRYYYYY.
Often, my guilt gets the better of me and I feel horrible for blocks because I didn’t have a minute to stop for Gay Rights. I felt so bad in fact about dismissing this specific cause that I actually turned around one time after declining and gave a thumbs up shouting “I’M IN A RUSH BUT I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!” reassuring the volunteer (who was most likely not even gay himself) that I was no homophobe! Not me! Me? I’m just busy!!! Love the gays though! Smooches!
While these people are mostly nice about it, wishing me well and moving on, sometimes stuff just gets weird. This past weekend in Chicago, someone stopped me and my boyfriend wanting to know if we had a second for Greenpeace. We didn’t. And as we were walking away, the guy just yelled out “WELL. YOU BOTH LOOK LIKE AN AD FOR LENSCRAFTERS!!!”
Well. We both wear glasses so that is very observant of you, my good man. But are you complimenting us? Or is that a weird dig trying to make us hate ourselves enough to turn around and donate some money? “YOU’RE RIGHT! WE DO WEAR FANCY DESIGNER GLASSES! WE SHOULD GIVE MONEY TO GREENPEACE!!!”
I…hm.
My friend Sylvi told me a few months ago that whenever people stop her, she just goes, “Sorry! I’m pregnant!” and they immediately back off and go SORRY!!!
???
How does this work?
People just give pregnant women a break as a general rule? She’s not showing yet so maybe they think she’s feeling too queasy to stop? Or they’re okay giving her a pass because pregnant people can’t be expected to donate money to worthy causes, SHE’S GOT DIAPERS TO BUY. ?!!?!?
All I have to do is use the pregnancy card and I stop getting badgered by sweet looking people in matching t-shirts supporting a worthy cause!?
Sylvi insists it works. Every time. And thus, I finally got up the gumption to give it a try with a perky girl who got all up in my face with an EXCUSE ME, MA’AM DO YOU HAVE A SECOND FOR–
And I blurted out SORRY, I’M PREGNANT without bothering to hear what cause she was supporting.
Guess what specific organization makes the ‘Sorry, I’m pregnant!’ excuse completely awkward?
Planned Parenthood, that’s who.
Because….now that volunteer is confused. She said Planned Parenthood, I confessed a pregnancy to her out of nowhere so she stares at me, mouth agape like OH CRAP as if I am going to grab her and beg her for an abortion right there on the street.
And then it’s like oh my God! No! I’m not coming to you for help with my pregnancy! I mean, it’s a fake pregnancy! I’m not actually pregnant! I just don’t like being harassed on the street! I have three nickels in my bag, hold on one second. NO REALLY TAKE THE NICKELS. You can’t? OKAY. I REALLY HAVE TO GO.
Ahem.
The moral of the story boys and girls is don’t tell lies.
Not even tiny white pregnancy lies to strangers trying to take your cash.
Carry on.
Oh yeah, the Greenpeace people just slay me. They hover 200 feet from the Ditmars stop trying to stop people that are TRYING TO GET SOMEWHERE. I’m like, “Dudes? Walk seven blocks down to the park where people are enjoying said Green.” I can’t even handle it. It’s so inappropriate to try to approach people when they are clearly heading toward a train station. DUH.
Hilarious! I have a similar-but-different story: a friend of mine told me about her trick for getting rid of telemarketers by telling a (huge, obvious) fake lie. e.g. “Oh, I can’t buy your long distance plan. I don’t have a phone.”
So I tried it. “Oh, I can’t subscribe to your newspaper. I can’t read.” AWKWARD. Not recommended. The poor salesperson was so afraid that he’d offended me and … ugh.
… though I still sort of want a telemarketer to try to convince me to switch my long distance plan. Just to see how they’d react.
Just don’t look them in the eye and keep going. I haven’t been awkwardly stopped in over two years. The key is to not look them in the eyes though, once you have made eye contact its all over and then you have to make a polite excuse.
Pretend to be on your phone… If I see them in the distance I get out my phone and have a fake conversation, never had anyone go so far as to interrupt a phone call. I do this in stores that I know have very pushy salespeople when I just want to browse.
Although the other thing I do is say that I already donate monthly (as I am walking away and smiling). I do actually give monthly to the HRC and Greenpeace so I’m not lying, and I pull the phone out for Children’s International.
I enjoy the people who shill for the comedy shows in Times Square (mostly). I tell them deadpan that I’m allergic to humor or smiling, or something to that effect- they usually chuckle but leave me alone and I chuckle inside regardless.
We have them all over the place here in Boston. They annoy me. First of all, I am not convinced they are volunteers nor am I convinced that all the money donated through these kids makes it to the charity in question.
I’ve told the Green Peace kids I hate the planet. It confuses them.
My best strategy is to make eye contact and make a small no shake of my head with a firm face. They don’t bother me at all.
After all, I don’t think they are after the person who goes by every day. They are after the tourists, the newbies, the uninitiated, the ones who haven’t been annoyed by them on a weekly basis for the last four months.
It was a compliment. He’s saying that you’re an attractive glasses-wearing couple. Models are cast in Lenscrafters ads. Good-looking models. Not necessarily Zoolander good-looking, but they’re up there.
I can vouch for Sylvi’s tactic for evading the chuggers. I use the “I’m pregnant” excuse all the time. They back the f up.
Laura, that was so funny, I really enjoyed reading it. Thanks for putting a positive spin on my day, I needed it!
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha Dang girl..you sure do get yourself into a fix…ALOT!!! I love to read your blog. Thanks Laura