Apparently, I offended a bunch of people by saying I was being selective about who I am friending on Facebook. GOD, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!? Haven’t you gotten it down by now that I am elitist and superior!?

I will have you know that I have friended pretty much anyone who asked me and I have refrained from pointing out publicly that every single person from my high school married the same guy: His name is Anthony and he is wearing a gold chain necklace and if I’m going to start with the Long Island stereotype, I might as well finish with one and Anthony probably owns a landscaping business.

NOT THAT THERE’S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT.

I just find it interesting! And I am honestly not trying to be mean. Long Island, my God. What a crazy ridiculous place. And I have this silly warm place in my heart for it because yes, there’s lots of fake tans going on and yes, those accents are out of control but that’s me and my family and I loved growing up there and I just find pure delight in seeing people that I knew ten years ago, the lives they have created for themselves.

With Anthony.

I am actually leaving the tri-state area this evening for Nashville, Tennessee, land of a whole other kind of accent. In a bizarre turn of events, I have not one but TWO weddings to attend on two consecutive Saturdays, both in Nashville. (!!!) What exactly are the chances of that? I…don’t know. But instead of coming back in between the two, I have decided to just…stay down in Nashville. For ten days. I’ve also decided to learn how to play guitar, hit up the Bluebird Cafe and become an overnight country music sensation.

It can’t be that hard, right?

Not when I have my dad helping out with songwriting! He might even sing back up vocals.

OHHHHHHHHH MY NAME IS PAWL AND I DRINK STRAWNG CAWFFEEEEE!!

The Southern accent is like the Brooklyn accent, right? Just reversed somehow.

Anyway, the Dashing Dlug Duo is sure to be a hit so if we never return to New York, fear not. We’ll soon be coming to a sold out arena near you playing one of our many #1 hits including “Your Love Is My Algorithm”, “My Polish Calves Of Steel” and “You Broke My Heart Like I Broke My Hip”.

And now I must get ready to be the maid of honor for my bestest Southern gal who walks down the aisle on Saturday and I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING. But it is! I’m excited. I’m going to give a toast! And hold her bouquet while sobbing uncontrollably! And my dress is pretty and purple!!

That’s all, y’all.

I made this in MS Paint. You’re welcome.