What’s up for your weekend, you guys!?

You’ll be pleased to hear (shocked to hear?) that I joined Facebook yesterday.

WHAT? I DID. I FREAKING JOINED FACEBOOK!

As someone wrote to me yesterday, WELCOME TO 2005!

God. I know. Next I’m going to set up a friendster account, create a MySpace page and make a website on geocities.com.

I’m not sure exactly what tipped me over the edge but this week I had lunch with an old friend and it had been TWO YEARS since we’d caught up and she was basically like DUDE, IF YOU WERE ON FACEBOOK, TWO YEARS WOULD NEVER HAVE GONE BY and I felt kind of bad about that and am easily motivated by guilt because I was raised Catholic. Plus, it seems I no longer get invited to birthday parties and peeps are like WHERE WERE YOU? And I’m all I WAS NOT INVITED? And they’re all SORRY, FACEBOOK.

I would love to be your FRIEND or hang something on your wall or whatever it is that people do on Facebook. My profile is currently set to super duper private because I work for the FBI and I only want my real friends in life to know that I’m on a secret government mission. OH CRAP I JUST RUINED THAT. Ahem. I would like to be friends with you blog reader people but I don’t know your real names a lot of the time so I might ignore you without realizing it so, how can we stop that from happening? YOU TELL ME. I STILL DON’T KNOW HOW THIS WORKS.

I’ve already been ignoring friend requests from people who BLATANTLY KNOW ME, who I spoke to in college because I DON’T ACTUALLY REMEMBER INTERACTING WITH THEM. And I’m paranoid I will then be roped into some kind of messaging of HI HOW ARE YOU WHAT’S UP? and I have to confess that they didn’t really make an impression on me, despite their faces being SUPER familiar and how do you tell someone that? SORRY, OLD COLLEGE FRIEND! YOU WERE BORING AND THE PICTURES OF YOUR NEW BABY ARE TOO.

I am a horrible person. I know this.

I’m not exactly sure what to do with myself this weekend as temperatures in New York City have been 100 and I’m sure where you are it’s not much better. I’m sort of scrambling around trying to get things done before I pack my bags for Nashville next week because HOLY CRAP, MY BEST FRIEND IS GETTING MARRIED IN 8 DAYS.

Um. Which reminds me that I might want to write down that Maid of Honor speech. It’s been hanging out in my brain but I’d like to get it down on paper just in case I get up in front of a crowd of Southerners and panic.

Like, this one time? I participated in a speech contest in high school? And we all knew who was going to win. It was going to be the valedictorian. She kicked my ass in a speech contest in 4th grade by doing a speech about Washington D.C. which, let’s be honest, WAS KIND OF A SAFE TOPIC.

I entitled my 4th grade speech “Things That Go Bump In The Night” and talked about the things we are afraid of and why and how our body responds to them and at one point I lowered my voice and suddenly screamed BOO! and this chubby girl in the front row yelped and burst into tears. (And thus, my acting career was born.)

Anyway, my 4th grade speech was considered experimental, fine. So the valedictorian and her tour of Washington D.C. came in 1st place while I was resigned to 2nd.

CUT TO HIGH SCHOOL: (this story is getting long) and I can’t remember the topic but I was hoping to place 3rd maybe since I knew not much had changed and the valedictorian was going to blow whatever I did out of the water.

So she got up to the podium and she was SO WELL REHEARSED that she didn’t look down at her index cards, NOT ONCE, and she just gave this incredible speech about MENTORING (OF COURSE SHE DID) from memory but then suddenly, SHE BLANKED.

She completely froze. And couldn’t remember where to go next. And because she hadn’t been using her index cards, she couldn’t look down to find her spot without shuffling through them and taking a bunch of time so she just stood frozen like a statue and it was HORRIBLE TO WATCH and the poor thing didn’t even PLACE because it took her five minutes to get going and by then she was completely flustered.

I came in 2nd again, which was fine by me.

The point of this very entertaining story is that I’d like to give a breezy Maid of Honor speech off the top of my head but JUST IN CASE I FREEZE UP AND LOSE MY PLACE, I’m going to want to write it down. This would also be useful in case I get a violent case of food poisoning the night before and my dad has to give the speech for me because I’m stuck in the bathroom begging for mercy. That’s obviously not the ideal situation but the planner in me finds it helpful to mentally walk through all possible scenarios.

OKAY? THAT’S IT.

Things We’ve Learned Today:

I’m on Facebook! 2005 Style!

Write Down Your Speech, Just In Case!

I Tend To Write Rambling Blog Posts!

Have an amazing summer weekend, you guys! I’m going to write down that speech, spend quality time with my air conditioner and maybe eat an egg sandwich because I LOVE A GOOD EGG SANDWICH. Particularly with a little ketchup.

And you!?

(c) a random tumblr site