Setting: My Kitchen

My Roommate: Two cocktails were $26. And they sucked.

Me: That sounded like a great date up until that part. Oh man, this avocado is really good.

My Roommate: Anyway. We’ll see. We have a lot in common.

Me: I mean, it’s just super ripe and creamy and the bagel is crispy and OH MY GOD.

My Roommate: So, you know how I was having trouble with the power steering in my car?

Me: Oh no. Did your car break down?

My Roommate: Welp. Remember when it did break down? Like, awhile ago?

Me: Mmmhmm.

My Roommate: There was a pop? And I thought I ran something over?

Me: Wait. Did you?

My Roommate: Well, not that I noticed.

Me: Okay. Sure.

My Roommate: ANYWAY. Fast forward to this week and I can’t steer the car and I’m thinking it’s totally busted.

Me: WOAH! ACK! SHIT!

My Roommate: Are you okay?

Me: Yeah. I just stepped on an ice cube.

My Roommate: SO, I figured I’d be a man and like, look under the hood to just see if it needed fluid or whatever.

Me: SO MANLY OF YOU.

My Roommate: I know, right? Me in my pastel tank top.

Me: Your arms look great.

My Roommate: Thanks.

Me: So, did you need fluid of some kind to make your car steer again?

My Roommate: Not quite.

Me: Okay?

*pause*

My Roommate: Soooooo, remember when I saw something in between a coil and some other thing under the hood and I PULLED A FRIED RAT OUT OF MY CAR?

Me: *falls on the floor* *dies*

My Roommate: A FRIED RAT!!!! IT WAS FRIED! Hang on, I took a picture.

Me: (cackling uncontrollably, mouth full of food) BAWJSDGROSSFLKJDHSRAT!!

My Roommate: I know. Check out his face.

*shows me his iPhone*

Me: OH GOD! It’s like he knew what was going to happen and braced himself.

My Roommate: HE WAS THE POP! That popping sound? He must’ve gotten stuck in there and then I started driving and he got electrocuted or something?

Me: I prefer ‘fried’.

My Roommate: RIGHT? He’s still fully intact, just kind of…skeletal.

Me: Aw, he’s kind of cute all dead like that.

My Roommate: Ooo hang on, I have another picture, a close up of his face.

Me: HE REALLY IS BRACING HIMSELF FOR THE POPPING.

My Roommate: So I’m on the phone with my mom and she is hysterically laughing too and I’m like, how do I get the fried rat OUT of my car? A stick? And my mom’s like, yeah! A stick! So I grab a stick and try to pry it out but then finally it’s like ENOUGH ALREADY, right? There’s people walking around Queens as I poke a fried rat in my car and I just want to get home so I GRAB IT BY THE TAIL AND YANK IT OUT.

Me: NO. NO NO NO NO YOU DID NOT TOUCH THAT DEAD RAT NO NO NO NO.

My Roommate: Well, it was dead.

Me: It was fried.

My Roommate: Yup. I yanked it out and then the steering worked fine.

Me: STOP IT. STOP STOP THAT THERE WAS A RAT IN YOUR CAR AND YOU IGNITED IT AND KILLED IT AND THEN PULLED IT OUT BY ITS TAIL AND JUST…GOT ON WITH YOUR LIFE?

My Roommate: After taking a few pictures of it, yeah.

Me: I need another sandwich.

My Roommate: Yeah. So that was what my night looked like.

Me: Tell me more about your date.

My Roommate: Okay so actually the guy was with me when the whole fried rat thing happened…