Tales From Vermont with Twin Almost 7 Year Olds, Abridged
R: Mom? Should I have French fries or carrot sticks with my chicken fingers?
R’s Mom: Um, you don’t eat carrot sticks so, fries?
R: No, you have to choose.
R’s Mom: What? Why? It’s your dinner.
R: (pointing to the menu) It says ‘Mom’s Choice: French fries or carrot sticks’.
R’s Mom: Oh, that’s funny. Have whatever you want.
R: THE KIDS’ MENU SAYS YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE. YOU HAVE TO HAVE A CHOICE. IT’S MOM’S CHOICE.
R’s Mom: Okay, okay fine! Have some fries.
R: (to the waiter who has been patiently waiting the entire time) Okay. May I please have the chicken fingers? And mom’s choice for me is fries. PLUS AN ICE CREAM SUNDAE ALSO BUT THAT IS MY CHOICE.
…
O: But Laura, why are there bad people?
Me: Um, that’s kind of complicated.
O: What’s complicated?
Me: That means it’s not an easy answer. I don’t think there are bad people it’s just. I don’t know. Good people can make bad choices sometimes.
O: Well then how do I know who’s good and bad?
Me: Um. Hm. That’s a little bit tricky. I think the first thing is to ju–
O: EXCUSE ME, I JUST FARTED.
Me: …
…
Me: Ooo you guys! Look at the mountains up here!
R: There’s fog up there!
Me: Yeah. Vermont is so beautiful.
O: YEAH.
*pause*
O: So…do people live in Vermont?
Me: Yes! They do.
O: Do they talk…English?
Me: That hasn’t actually been verified.
…
Me: I don’t know you guys, the sign says no one under 16 allowed in the hot tub.
O&R: PUHLEEEEEEASE WE LOVE HOT TUBS!
Me: Okay, fine. Just for a little bit.
*a few minutes later*
O: (leaping out of the hot tub, grabbing his bathing suit) OH NO!
Me: What? Too hot?
O: NOPE! I POOPED.
Me: (dies)
…
R: I want you to sleep in my bed!
O: I WANT YOU TO SLEEP IN MINE.
Me: Ugh, you guys. There are two beds and two of you who are the same size. Doesn’t it make sense for me to get my own bed? I’m the biggest.
O&R: NO! THAT IS NOT FAIR.
Me: Fine fine, okay. I will sleep with R tonight and then I will sleep next to O tomorrow. Okay?
O&R: OKAY GREAT!
Me: You guys are awesome roommates, you know that?
O: YOU TOO LAURA.
R: I LIKE BEING NEXT TO YOU.
Me: Try not to kick me too much while you sleep.
R: BUT I LOVE YOU.
*a few days after I return home*
E-mail from the twins’ dad.
“Hey, I hate to tell you this but I just wanted to let you know…
The boys have lice.”
Fin.
Oh no! What an ending.
Have you heard of the “cetaphil” treatment? You need someone to help you with it, but it’s a non-toxic and reasonably easy solution. This is the website that explains it (this guy takes himself VERY seriously, it’s hilarious): http://nuvoforheadlice.com/method_explained.htm
Good luck. :S
Oh god. Ohgodohgodohgod.
I mean, um, have fun with that!
All this is JUST a taste of motherhood…I withhold my laughter until we have grandchildren. *snicker*
I’m not sure if lice is the better option than getting bed bugs. Sounds like an adventure!
Lice are way better than bed bugs. Way way way better. It’s much easier to get rid of lice. And they’re much more polite.
“O: Do they talk…English?
Me: That hasn’t actually been verified.”
AHEM.
I talk English in Vermont.
FINE, JULIE, FINE.