Father’s Day is coming up this weekend and while I’m not too rushed to find a gift (my dad will be away at a wedding in New Orleans), I’ve found myself clicking on certain websites, scrolling through gift guides for ideas.

Golf clubs.

Backpack.

Artwork.

Cuff Links.

Facial scrub.

A BICYCLE.

Um…

Have those websites met my dad???

No. No they haven’t.

Here are some things those websites should know:

My dad doesn’t know what a cuff link is. I think I am absolutely positive about this. If he knows what it is AND I DOUBT THIS IS TRUE, he definitely doesn’t own any. My dad’s idea of dressing up is going back upstairs to take off his MATH-A-THON t-shirt because my mom doesn’t exactly find that church-appropriate.

Facial scrub?

My dad uses soap. Preferably the kind that’s on sale at the drug store. I’m thinking a bar of Dial? Maybe Dove if he’s feeling fancy? Depends on if it’s double coupon day.

Artwork?

…

I cannot adequately respond to this suggestion because I am laughing too hard at the idea of my father appreciating anything that wasn’t finger painted by one of his children. MAYBE THAT’S WHAT THEY MEAN THOUGH? Maybe I should finger paint.

Golf clubs, bicycle, backpack, anything athletic?

Here is a fact about my dad: he does not know why people play sports. He doesn’t root for a specific team, I’ve never seen him run anywhere EVER and he saves the Sports section of the paper for my mother.

True story: When my parents were dating, it became clear that my mom was a crazy obsessed member of the swim team who would live IN the ocean if it were possible. My father, having been raised in Brooklyn, did not know how to swim. And so, to try and better himself for his smokin’ hot swimmer girlfriend, my dad signed up for swimming lessons at the local pool. At 31 years of age, mind you.

And thus, at every lesson, my 6’2, 200+ lb. father who has the grace and agility of a drunk hippopotamus would attempt to swim with his swim instructor by his side.

For the final lesson, my father’s task was to swim unassisted across the pool.

It started out okay. He took a few strokes, kicked his legs and then…he realized that swimming actually involves propelling yourself through water, A VERY SCARY FACT and he panicked and started drowning in the deep end of the community pool somewhere in Nassau County, Long Island.

The swim instructor had to jump in and save him.

So, you might be able to understand why I am totally at a loss when someone suggests buying my dad some form of athletic gear.

AND YOU KNOW?

It shouldn’t be that odd. My dad was in the ARMY. Did you know that? Dude made it through basic training and EVERYTHING.

My question is: HOW!?????????????

All I can picture is some sergeant screaming DROP DOWN AND GIVE ME 20 PUSH UPS, DLUG and my dad being like HOLD ON AWFICER, I’M NOT DONE DRINKIN’ MY CAWFFEE.

And thus, I present to you a Father’s Day gift guide for my own father.

FATHER’S DAY GIFTS FOR MY DAD:

1. A pound of Dunkin’ Donuts coffee. Preferable to buy 4 at a time, on sale, so he can hoard them in the pantry in case of nuclear attack, tornado, Dunkin’ Donuts going bankrupt, etc.

2. Toothpaste that you bought with double coupons at Rite Aid. Include receipt so he can see how much money you saved when you bought them.

3. Maybe some of those little kid swim floaties that they put on their arms to remind him of the time HE ALMOST DROWNED HIS 30-SOMETHING SELF IN A POOL. You know, MEEEEMORIES! LIGHT THE CORNERS OF HIS MIND!

4. A new Math-A-Thon shirt.

5. Cuff links. In the shape of Pi.

6. A drawing or poem by one of his own children. He will hang it on the fridge or in the kitchen window and when people come by to visit, he will proudly declare that YOU made that for him. YOU DID.

7. A country music CD that came out in 1996. What can I say? He’s easy to please and was kind of preoccupied raising four children so he pretty much doesn’t know any music from 1980-2000. The possibilities for gifts here are endless.

8. A drunk hippopotamus.

AND THERE YOU HAVE IT FOLKS! You can send all gifts to me and I will pass them onto him. I’m sure he will be very pleased. I don’t know about you but this gift guide has been EXTREMELY helpful.

Happy Almost Father’s Day to all you dads out there! Specifically to those dads who enjoy double coupons, walking at a safe slow pace and math jokes.

WOOOOOOO!