I’m not prone to headaches. It’s just not how I get sick. But. I currently do have a headache. A bad one. I’m only telling you this so I can paint the picture properly for you of me typing this with quite a thumping inside my brain, an ache behind my eyes and me sitting at my computer with a bag of frozen blueberries on my head because I read once that cold will make a headache stop. It actually feels pretty good. You might suggest I get off the computer entirely because, BLINDING LIGHT OF THE SCREEN, etc. but shut up, what do you know? I have work to do.

Oh, forget painting a picture. Here:

Okay fine, I lied. It’s actually a bag of frozen BERRY MEDLEY from Trader Joe’s. NOT JUST BLUEBERRIES. Just trying to keep my journalism factual, folks.

I look pretty good for having a headache, right?

Except what is up with my eyes? Dear Lord. Those are crazy eyes if I ever saw them.

My mom says that the color of my eyes comes from my dad but the rather large shape comes from her aunt Mary, my great aunt Mary and that is a darn shame because I met great aunt Mary several times before she died at the age of 93 and she was not a nice person, not one bit.

She was the kind of gentle woman who would come over to my grandparents’ house for dinner when my mother was little and remark in front of everyone: IT’S A SHAME RITA IS FAT. SHE HAS SUCH A PRETTY FACE.

Ah, Aunt Mary! Good times, right?

(For the record, my mom was not fat.)

Alas, we’re not supposed to speak ill of the dead and I’m sure Great Aunt Mary had some good qualities. Her rather large bug eyes, perhaps?

Where am I going with this? Your guess is as good as mine.

I wonder if that’s how I’m going to end up. Crazy Great Aunt Laura with the bug eyes, going around telling my nieces and nephews how fat they look.

When I think about it…when I REALLY think about it…that’s not so bad. Right?

DEAR GOD MY HEAD IS POUNDING.

The temp agency called me awhile back and said that people at my old job were wondering if I was available for work as they have a position open and…

I thought about it for a little while.

I didn’t hate my old job. Not one bit.

And money is super nice to have.

But then I thought about the fact that I met Alayna at 3 pm in the middle of a Tuesday to try on my maid of honor dress and then we got frozen yogurt, THE SERVE YOURSELF KIND AND I PUT GUMMY BEARS ON IT OH MY GOD THAT WAS SUCH AN AMAZING IDEA and then I went home and TOOK A NAP from the exhaustion of it all and I was like, you know what? I’m not exactly into the idea of going back to work right now.

Turns out I didn’t have the skill set they were looking for anyway.

WHATEVER, TEMP AGENCY! YOU AND YOUR SKILL SET! TOO BAD YOU’RE FAT *AND* YOU HAVE AN UGLY FACE! WHAT!

Oh, someone save me. From my unemployed self.

I’m trying to be as proactive as possible with my unemployment. I’m trying to write more and learn new stuff and generally be a good person. It’s hard. I can’t help but feel like I’m getting away with something. Everyone was so supportive when I lost my job. They were all YOU DESERVE IT! TAKE TIME OFF! YOU NEVER KNOW IF YOU’LL EVER GET THIS TIME AGAIN! YOU HAVE YOUR WHOLE LIFE TO WORK!

But it’s hard not to walk around the city in the middle of the day feeling like a total sham. Everyone is AT WORK and what am I doing!? Honestly! Get a life! What a waste!

(Aren’t the voices inside my head CHARMING? My friend Dan calls these voices his ‘committee’ and he’s right in that they can be real jerks. My Committee really enjoys telling me that I’m not good at anything, not doing enough with my life, not important at all, and that my hips are too big. SHUT UP COMMITTEE! You suck.)

I’m definitely not working at a fast enough pace (in my own mind). It’s hard to focus and to know what to write and how and I’ll start something and erase it because it’s terrible and I look at the calendar and it’s almost JUNE and I panic like WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM!? YOU’VE BEEN OUT OF WORK FOR ALMOST THREE MONTHS AND WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SHOW FOR YOURSELF?

Nothing.

I mean, naps. And a generally good sense of well being.

But no actual WORK.

And this troubles me.

Or, it troubles my Committee.

But all I can do is keep keepin’ on, you know? I can haul my laptop around and write when I can and try not to judge myself too harshly and try to enjoy this time I have. Because…those people were right. I don’t really know if I’ll get this chance again. So even if it’s not as PRODUCTIVE as I want it to be, it’s certainly peaceful. And if I’ve learned one thing in life, it is: that Committee can shut the heck up.

That’s all that’s really up with me, besides this berry medley on my head which is sort of thawing out at this point and dripping cold water onto my shoulders.

You got any goods you feel like sharing? Your comments always make my day.

The lesson of the day is to be kind to people and not make passive-aggressive ‘such a pretty face’ comments to your young impressionable nieces. Also, try not to listen to the voices in your head that tell you that you’re doing it all wrong or that you aren’t good enough. You are doing just fine, thanks. Also, frozen fruit atop a headache: gold.

The end.