Sorry my blog’s been kind of lame lately.

I haven’t had much time to devote to it since I was pretty sure the Rapture was an actual thing. Mind you, I knew I wasn’t going to be one of the chosen ones. I mean, this one time? I played with my neighbor’s Ouija board. Also, I support gay marriage.

Anyway. In preparation for the holy people leaving the planet, I had a lot of banks to rob and supermarkets to loot and now I’m pretty sure I’m in trouble with the law because no one actually ascended into heaven and WOOPS.

Shouldn’t have taken all that stuff, you know?

But hey, LIVE AND LEARN.

Anyway.

I’m driving out to Long Island today to have lunch with my dad. I told him I would take him out or cook for him and usually he’d take me up on either offer but he was in the middle of being REALLY! EXCITED! about this Trader Joe’s cookbook my little brother bought him for Christmas.

“I CAN COOK YOU SOMETHIN’! LET ME COOK FOR YA! I CAN MAKE SOMETHIN’ VEGETARIAN!”

Now, I’ve been a form of some kind of vegetarian for almost five years now. My family is very accepting of this practice but my mother likens it to me becoming a Buddhist in that it was a very radical departure from the way I was raised. Being a vegetarian was a very foreign concept to my family, particularly my father whose particular “born and raised in Brooklyn” taste in food is MEAT + VEGETABLES FROM A CAN.

It was especially confusing for my dad because I went straight from being an omnivore to a vegan. Vegetarianism is one thing, veganism is another and my dad was often confused.

WANT SOME PIZZA?

I don’t eat dairy.

WHAT? WHO DOESN’T EAT DAIRY?

Vegans don’t.

OH.

Pause.

WANT ME TO MAKE YOU A GRILLED CHEESE?

Etc. Etc. Etc.

My dad is still confused and I suppose it’s understandable as my sister doesn’t eat red meat, I don’t eat any meat and my sister-in-law is a picky eater in general. He can’t really keep any of it straight.

A few weeks ago, he was going on and on about some new recipe he made and he said STAY RIGHT HERE! I’LL GET YOU SOME TO TRY FROM THE FRIDGE!

Great! I said.

He kept talking.

IT HAS LENTILS IN IT, ALL HEALTHY STUFF. SOME CARROTS, SOME OTHER BEAN TYPE-A THING AND SOME CHICKEN SAWSAGE. SUPA HEALTHY.

Wait, dad? I don’t eat sausage.

BUT IT’S CHICKEN???

Um. I don’t eat meat.

I THAWT CHICKEN WAS OKAY.

No…

Etc. Etc. Etc.

So, I told him over the phone that I was super psyched for him to cook me lunch tomorrow and that vegetarian options would be great if that was okay.

SURE SURE! he said.

But after we hung up, he wasn’t so sure and so, I received three voicemails over the course of an hour.

#1.

LAWRA. IT’S YOUR DAD. I JUST REALIZED THAT ONE OF MY RECIPES CAWLS FOR SHRIMP. DO YOU EAT SHRIMP? I CAN’T REMEMBA. CAWL ME BACK.

#2.

LAWRA. DA SHRIMP YOU CAN LET ME KNOW ABOUT BUT ALSO DERE’S CHICKEN BRAWTH IN DA SPANISH RICE. I CAN MAKE IT WITH VEGETABLE BRAWTH INSTEAD, RIGHT? UNLESS YOU EAT CHICKEN. BUT I DON’T KNOW IF YOU DO. YOUR SISTA DOES. SHE LIKES THAT DISH I MAKE WITH DA PEPPAS. YOU EAT THAT? I FORGET. I DON’T THINK YOU EAT THAT. I’LL GET SOME VEGETABLES FROM DA STORE. WELL, NOT VEGETABLES. JUST THE BRAWTH. OKAY. THIS IS YOUR DAD. CAWL ME BACK SOMETIME.

#3.

LAWRA. YOUR MOTHA SAYS YOU MIGHT EAT DA SHRIMP. BUT DEN I REALIZED THE RECIPE HAS SCALLOPS TOO. ARE THOSE OKAY OR DO YOU NOT WANNA KILL THOSE? CAWL ME BACK.

Oh my goodness.

I cannot WAIT for lunch.