I feel like my brain just hasn’t been working properly. It’s sort of fuzzy and consistently missing cues lately. And I was sort of like, well! This is an interesting turn of events! Until I started realizing that this sort of stuff has been going on my entire life. It’s not really anything new. I guess it just was a lot of awkwardness crammed into the span of a week.

For example, I went out to lunch last week with my friend JK and I forgot to take my credit card home after paying with it. So, it arrived at the table with the receipt for me to sign and then I just handed it right back to the waitress. Like, HERE YA GO! Have a shopping spree on me!

And it wasn’t really a credit card but my ATM/debit card which meant when I tried to take money out at the bank a few hours later, I was met with my own sheer panic as I rifled frantically through my wallet and then beat myself up like a crazy person all, HERE YOU GO AGAIN, LAURA! LOSING IMPORTANT THINGS!

And it took me FOREVER to realize that I had left it at the restaurant.

DID I LOSE IT IN A TAXI?

I have not recently taken a taxi.

DID SOMEONE PICKPOCKET ME?

That…is not a thing that regularly happens in NYC. We’re more of a mugging kind of town. And how would someone pickpocket JUST my ATM card out of my wallet while leaving everything else? SERIOUSLY.

DID I EAT IT?

Possible. But…highly unlikely.

Anyway, it was just a ridiculous thing. I couldn’t seem to remember exactly where I was at all until JK randomly texted me and I was all OH! I WENT TO LUNCH…AND PAID WITH MY THINGY…AND LEFT IT THERE…OH.

Herm.

Then I was so lazy, I didn’t go back and get it for like 5 days.

Why do I do things like that? That’s just. Ugh.

ANWAY, there went a lot of mental energy I can’t back.

THEN, IN ANOTHER FASCINATING TURN OF EVENTS, I went to a friend’s play over the weekend and as I was sitting there alone waiting for it to begin, a group of people filed into my row of seats and a young gentleman turned to me and asked, “Do you have your wedding clothes on?”

And I was so confused by this that I just sort of stared at him blankly for a few seconds.

My wedding clothes?

Well. No. This is a play so I just wore a dress and some leggings but I wouldn’t call it a WEDDING dress. For one thing, it’s sort of green and I’m not at all sure I’ll wear white on my wedding day but I probably won’t wear GREEN but wait, I’m not getting married so why are you asking me this? OH CRAP. Are you an actor? Is this audience participation? If there’s one thing I CANNOT STAND, it is audience participation. Is a spotlight going to shine on me? I WILL DIE OF HUMILIATION.

“So, is it?” asked the gentleman.

“I…what?” I stammered.

“IS THIS SEAT TAKEN?”

Oh.

“I thought you asked if I had my wedding clothes on.”

“Why would I ask you that?”

“Well that’s what I was wondering and for the record, no, I don’t.”

“It doesn’t look like it.”

“Way to judge me.”

“Well.”

“Okay.”

“Enjoy the show?”

“You too.”

Cue: AWKWARD SILENCE AS WE WAIT 20 MINUTES FOR THE SHOW TO START WHY DO SHOWS START SO LATE OH MY GOD IT’S A SUPPOSED 8 PM CURTAIN WHAT IS SO DIFFICULT?!

So, wedding clothes, am I right you guys?

Then I had a dream where I’m in an apartment fighting with my boyfriend except this apartment has just open windows and no doors and is next to a nail salon? (I..??) So as we’re fighting, people keep walking into the apartment after getting manicures like, HEY CAN I OFFER ADVICE? And my dream self and dream boyfriend both yell NO GO AWAY and then we keep yelling at each other.

My dream boyfriend snapped that he ‘DIDN’T EVEN KNOW WHO I WAS ANYMORE’ and that I ‘HAVE THE MATURITY OF A KINDERGARTENER’.

Dream boyfriend, why are you such an asshole?

Also, what does this say about how I feel about my relationship with men in general? And why do people keep walking in from the nail salon next door and what kind of apartment doesn’t have a DOOR and what is going on?

My new therapist who I met last week told me to feel free to bring in whatever kind of thoughts/information/questions/problems/etc. that I wanted, including dreams, if that felt important to me. And I woke up this morning after dreaming of HAVING THE MATURITY OF A KINDERGARTENER and I was sort of like, is this important to me? Is this something to talk about in therapy? Do the lack of windows represent a lack of something in my life? What do nail salons represent? Should I get a manicure?

And I was all sorts of confused.

Hopefully I’ll figure it out before I go back to see her this Wednesday.

I’m not really sure.

I will tell you something I’m 100% certain about: I am DEFINITELY wearing my wedding clothes to therapy next time.

SPEAKING OF WHICH, okay, so, I show up to my first therapy appointment and I’m feeling rather…on edge, okay? (TRANSLATION: I cried through about 45 minutes of the 50 total minutes of therapy but I’m not sorry about it because it felt freaking good).

So I get buzzed in by the receptionist, who, like most receptionists I’ve met at medical offices is just…completely preoccupied and could care less about the fact that I don’t know what floor to go to and I’m already on the brink of tears and I’m waiting patiently in front of her while she is scribbling something and concentrating SUPER HARD and I’m all HI, EXCUSE ME? SORRY UH, I DON’T KNOW WHERE TO GO?

And she gives me this withering look and snaps Well who are you here to see?

And I want to smack her because THIS IS A PSYCHOLOGY CLINIC and if you aren’t nice to me, I will DO SOMETHING A MENTALLY UNSTABLE PERSON WOULD DO, JUST TRY AND STOP ME.

Anyway, she makes a few phone calls because she doesn’t KNOW what floor my therapist is on and she is just hating me the entire time but whatever, I’m fabulous and while she’s making phone calls, I sneak a peek at what she’s writing and turns out, she’s looking at a TEACH YOURSELF HOW TO DRAW CARTOONS book and the page she’s working on is “FEMINIZING CATS” and that was just the funniest thing to me.

I mean, we all have dreams, right? Power to you, Wanna Be Cartoonist Receptionist at a Psych Clinic.

But the phrase “feminizing cats” got stuck in my head for the rest of the day.

I cannot feminize a cat, okay? I have talents but unfortunately, that ain’t one of them.

So, this post is your official dose of CRAZY for the week and hey, you’re welcome and if you need a good lunch idea, follow these instructions:

Go to Trader Joe’s.

Try not to kill everyone in the store because THAT STORE IS JAMPACKED OMG PANIC ATTACK.

Purchase pasta, bag of arugula and a jar of artichoke-red pepper tapenade.

Age approximately 7 months while waiting in the checkout aisle.

Go home, cook pasta, dump tapenade on pasta, throw in a few handfuls of argula, sprinkle with pecorino cheese if you’re feeling truly badass.

STUFF YOUR FACE WITH IT.

Congrats, you just ate the best lunch of your life.

Report back here immediately to validate my advice.

What are you cooking for lunch these days? Any crazy dreams lately? Do I ask my therapist to interpret ‘nail salon/mean dream boyfriend’? Is there a way to discuss ‘feminizing cats’ without making it sound like you’re trying to perform a transgender cat operation?

Help a sister out here, you guys. So many questions, so many ways to ask the internet.