Ode To An Acupuncturist via Lady Gaga
So! I seem to be playing a game called GET MAH HEALTH IN ORDER which is a very fun way to use up my very ample spare time as an unemployed person. Along with going to physical therapy, I just started acupuncture. I’ve been three times and I really really enjoy it though still am not sure if it’s actually doing anything.
I went for the specific purpose of balancing out my hormones. This should surprise no one as I actually have an entire category on my blog devoted to my reproductive organs.
I’ve made major progress with my uterus. I KNOW, RIGHT? You guys were so worried! DON’T BE.
In case you were wondering, some stuff that helps me not barf, faint or take ten Aleve once a month include: calcium supplements, B Complex and giving up caffeine whenever possible. While this makes my period tolerable, it still doesn’t make it fun. And while I’ve worked hard to get a handle on the physical WHEN THE MONSTER COMES pain aspect, I’ve noticed a severe increase in my other PMS symptoms. As in, I used to cry really easily for a day or two. Now I cry for days on end, have random physical annoyances that I never had before like headaches or chills and sometimes when things are really bad, I feel clinically depressed and have trouble going about my day.
(My mother’s advice? “GIVE ME A GRANDCHILD. YOU’LL FEEL BETTER.” Thanks, Rita! I’m on it! I’m not.)
As you can imagine (or maybe you cannot), going through this for a few weeks OUT OF EVERY MONTH is emotionally exhausting. Last month in particular was…difficult. My hormones seem to exacerbate every problem in my life, big and small and at one point, I fell on my roommate weeping because I couldn’t actually differentiate between what was real and what wasn’t.
Am I this upset because I am actually this upset?
Or are my hormones just messing with me?
And how can I live 50% of my life in a hysteric crazy mess over EVERYTHING?
In short, I cannot.
So, now I go to acupuncture. Which was the entire point of this story.
I haven’t noticed a difference yet but I enjoy the process. My acupuncturist is the most gentle man of all time (and didn’t seem at all phased when I was like SO, LET’S TALK ABOUT MY PERIOD…). He pokes me with about 13 needles every time I go – two in each ankle, two in each knee, two in each wrist and one in my forehead right between my eyes. It’s a slight pinch but I barely feel anything except for the ones that go into my wrists. For some reason, those cause an intense tingling sensation to shoot down my entire arm.
WHAT IS THAT!? I asked my acupuncturist.
It’s normal! he said.
BUT WHAT IS THAT!!?
I don’t know, he smiled. The needles aren’t in deep enough to hit a nerve or a vein. So, what is it?
MY VERY CLOGGED CHI? I offered.
Apparently, I have some crazy energy blockages in my wrists. This probably dates back to my childhood. THANKS MOM AND DAD. Just kidding, I made that up.
Anyway, the best part of this story is that my acupuncturist’s name is Alejandro.
THAT CAN’T BE TRUE! you’re saying.
I’m telling you. It is.
So, for the hour I spend laying there with needles sticking out of me, right before I doze off to sleep for a lovely nap, I cannot get that Lady Gaga song out of my head.
ALEJANDRO! ALEJANDRO!
Then I start changing the words.
And you all know where this is going.
I feel like it’s been far too long since I’ve put my song parody skills to good use.
Long time readers might remember the infamous version of “Bohemian Rhapsody” I wrote when I was laid off from Citigroup in the summer of 2009.
It’s HIGH TIME I bring back my MAD SONGWRITING SKILLZ.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you.
“Alejandro”
Lyrics by Laura, age 28
Melody by Lady Gaga
(Original song here. The beginning of this video gives me nightmares. FYI. And Rita shouldn’t watch it because it’s very sacrilegious.)
I’ve got needles in my ankles
And my wrists feel kinda weird, feel kinda weird
There’s some music, it’s kinda soothing
And I like to hum along, I hum along
You know how to open my chi
Let the energy flow in me
At this point I’m gonna snooze
Nothing to lose
Don’t pinch too hard, don’t pinch too hard, Alejandro!
I had an old roommate, an old roommate named Fernando!
Don’t wanna puke, don’t wanna faint
Just want my cycles to be great
I don’t know anyone, not anyone named Roberto!
Alejandro, Alejandro!
Ale-Alejandro! Ale-Alejandro!
Alejandro, Alejandro!
Ale-Alejandro! Ale-Alejandro!
It’s my hormones, they make me crazy
And I need to not go nuts, to not go nuts
I’d like my uterus, to be pain-free
So I can live my life and write some blogs!
You know how to open my chi
I’ve got needles in my knee
At this point I’m gonna snooze
NO PMS BLUES
I’m energized! I’m energized! Thanks, Alejandro!
I had an old roommate, an old roommate, Fernando!
Not gonna puke, not gonna faint
Gonna have my cycles be so great!
I still don’t know anyone, not anyone named Roberto!
SCENE.
And, you’re welcome.
Neat! Please keep us updated if this works or not. You and I are menstruation twins* so I’ll probably try it if you notice a difference.
*I used to have curled up in the fetal position-vomiting-death pain too, but it seems to have calmed down…and now I am an emotional mess the entire week before. Eerily similar!
LOVE! By the way, I just unsubscribed from email and finally added you to my google reader. Don’t know if you can see (and/or care?) when folks unsub, but it’s not because I don’t care! It’s because I love Reader! Thanks! I hope you feel better!
I know this might sound kind of hippy dippy out there, but you are going to acupuncture, so I thought I’d suggest it! It sounds like it might be a food intolerance. I would point a finger at either lactose or gluten, but maybe you can just get tested and eliminate the guessing.
Also, maybe you should go into musical improv. That’s a thing, and i bet you would be pretty good at it.
Amanda! Thanks for the suggestion. Unfortunately, when I was a vegan, I noticed zero pain difference period-wise which was super sad. (I thought being vegan would cure me of EVERYTHING. It didn’t! See also: veganvagabond’s comment. She seems to have similar issues. I did love other things about veganism though!) My body doesn’t love lactose, that’s for sure and I still don’t eat very much of it but sadly did not see a difference when I gave it up 100%. Gluten might be a possibility but I’m highly doubtful. I’ve gone long periods (HAHA PERIODS) with it and without and don’t seem to notice any difference in PMS stuff or stomach irritation, etc. But it might be worth a try to rule out some other things. I don’t know? I do eat a lot of gluten. My ex was a gluten-free vegan. Perhaps I should do that?
Oddly enough, I’ve been studying musical improv for the past 9 months! WHAT? THAT IS CRAZY. You must be inside my brain. It is super hilarious awesome fun. AND THANK YOU for your suggestions. Hippy dippy me up. I never mind at all.
I’ve never had really terrible periods, but they used to be fairly bad, especially the PMS. Then I went to work for an acupuncturist and started getting acupuncture on a regular basis and taking some Chinese herbs, and it really helped a lot. I still have some issues, but it’s not nearly as bad as it was. Hope it works for you!
I’m trying to imagine what a “fun” period would be like. “Oh, boy, it’s my period! Woo-hoo!” And then you throw your arms in the air like you’re on a rollercoaster.
Was a vegan? Past tense? When did that happen?
I hope the acupuncture works for you. I’m not sure why pin pricks would have an impact on one’s hormones, though. What’s the theory? If it doesn’t work for you, I’d definitely try going gluten free. Something has to work, dammit.
What is a gluten, anyway?