HEYYYYYYYY YOU GUYS!

I keep meaning to sit down and write here except I feel really blocked. Like so so so blocked.

Things have gotten kind of difficult over here as I’m trying to wrestle with lots of grown up decisions and I so want to throw them up on here and be like WHAT DO YOU GUYS THINK?! But you can’t do that when you’re dealing with…other people and hurtful situations and then this blog becomes what it used to be in college which is a blog full of entries like:

“I AM SO HEARTBROKEN AND SO DEEP AT THE SAME TIIIIIIIME.”

<insert Dave Matthews Band lyric>

Um. Right. Let’s not go there again.

Anyway, I have some sorting out to do and finally realized I couldn’t handle it all myself so I applied to a psychology clinic because I can’t afford my old therapist and he’s a guy and I have some female-specific issues to hash out with a female therapist. RUN ON SENTENCE IN THE HOUSE. Is this okay? I kind of feel bad because I miss my therapist but I find that I’m only willing to go so far in a session because he’s a dude. And a straight one. So, we’ll see what happens.

This new clinic operates on a sliding scale and the application was 17 pages. No lie. After I finished it, I wasn’t so sure I needed therapy anymore.

“DO YOU OWN A WEAPON?”

“DO YOU OFTEN FLY INTO A RAGE AND HARM THOSE AROUND YOU?”

I’m guessing if you answered YES to both those questions, you’re in a lot of trouble.

So in the mean time, while I wait for approval or rejection from the clinic (YET ANOTHER THING TO GET REJECTED FOR. DEAR GOD! IS MY MENTAL STATE NOT UNSTABLE ENOUGH FOR YOU!?!?) I’m trying to occupy my time with other things.

These things include:

1. Meditating.

I got out of the habit for a few weeks which was really unfortunate because things got so incredibly stressful and I probably would’ve handled the stress better had I been regularly meditating. My philosophy teacher asked this week if we, as a class, could make meditation a priority, just for one week, just to see what happens. So, today is the first day of MEDITATION AS PRIORITY. We’ll see how the rest of the week goes. (As a class, we’re advised to meditate twice a day for 30 minutes. I usually hit about half that. Lately, I’ve hit about none of that.)

2. Stepping away from the Easter candy.

Due to stress and the fact that I’ve been doing P90X, I’ve kind of decided that I can eat whatever I want. Which, is a lovely thought? And it’s probably true that due to the intensity of the workout program, I can get away with eating an entire bag of peanut butter m&m’s in one sitting? KIND OF?

But. That’s gross.

And makes me feel really crappy.

So, I re-committed to some healthy eating around these parts which has been surprisingly easy to do because it’s 80 degrees in NYC and all I want is watermelon. NOM NOM WATERMELON.

I also made a quinoa salad with avocado, kale, red peppers, tomato, etc. with LIME CILANTRO dressing.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?

AM I KIDDING MYSELF?

No, I’m not. It was freaking outrageous. I have more in my fridge. I’m gonna eat some after I type this.

3. Being honest when I’m not feeling okay.

This has been a recent discovery. I find that my instinct, when I feel sad or angry or hurt, is to kind of pretend I’m okay. I AM LAURA! QUEEN OF THE HAPPY FACE! And it’s true that I bounce back pretty quickly when things are tough. But I think it’s definitely more authentic and more helpful to say, in the moment, to whoever is nearby, hey! I am not okay. I need some help. And then I get support which is…kind of incredible? I’m thinking in particular of a really great phone conversation with my mom last Friday where she just was…everything you want a mom to be. Kind, caring, thoughtful, giving great advice. I literally cannot stop thinking about that phone conversation because Rita is just…yikes. She’s just a really good mom, you guys. Even though I’m super old and maybe shouldn’t ‘need’ my mom anymore…sometimes I feel like the older I get, I need her even more. Which is weird. Have you experienced this? It’s trippy. It also means she can never die. THE END.

So, that’s what’s up you guys! I’m trying to be really careful and gentle with myself as I seem to be quite hyper-emotional lately. UGH, AM I RIGHT?

But my life is full of really, really kickass things too.

On Sunday, I went home for Easter and before dinner, my father read something that he had written for the occasion. A grace, of sorts. Instead of a prayer, it was a two page letter thanking us for our support over the last year. He could not stop crying. And neither could we. It was exactly a year ago on Easter that my father was rushed to the emergency room and his life-threatening staph infection was discovered. And the fun began.

The essence of my father’s story was that through the support and love of the people around him, he saw God. And though my father has always been a devout Catholic man, in his worst moments of pain and suffering, he wondered if God was real. Why would God allow such horrible things to happen? Was anyone listening to my father at all? Would anyone help?

My father said that because my family and our friends and neighbors and even the mailman, who would climb the hill up to my house to deliver the mail, rallied around him, there is no doubt in his mind now that God is real. God exists in each of us and in the love we shared with him. And the mailman.

I don’t know if you’ve ever sat around the Easter dinner table and listened to your father speak (IN HIS DELICIOUS BROOKLYN ACCENT, FYI) about how much he loves you and how much he saw God in you but…it’s a little overwhelming, to say the least. Most of us just gave up trying to stop ourselves and just sobbed openly into our dinner napkins.

And this is life, you know?

Pain and suffering and people around you to lift you up and love you.

It’s freaking great.

And I feel really lucky.

Other than that, I’m not sure what to say.

Anyone have any writing prompts for me? Stuff to write about? Questions/concerns? I’d love some because I’m stuck.

Also, what are you guys having for lunch? I’m gonna have that quinoa salad and IT IS GONNA BE SO GOOD.

Happy Tuesday, dudes. Thanks for listening.