I Have Opinions
Look.
This blog isn’t meant to offend anyone.
So many times I’m like I SHOULD WRITE ABOUT THIS and then I think it might hurt someone, so I don’t.
Well. I can’t stay quiet any longer about this particular topic.
And I know a few of you are going to take this personally and as a result, you might get your feelings hurt.
And for that, I am sorry.
I really am.
But I just have to go there right now. I do.
The thing is…
I think mushrooms are the grossest thing on the planet.
I do.
I think they are so so gross.
They smell weird, they have an awful texture, they taste both bland and intensely toxic and I cannot for the life of me understand why someone would want to consume one.
Let me put it to you thus:
I am a vegetarian and I would rather you eat a steak in front of me than a mushroom.
Speaking of which, as a vegetarian, I am ESPECIALLY BOTHERED that at most restaurants, anytime they offer a vegetarian meal, it automatically includes mushrooms. It’s like OH WAIT, SHE DON’T EAT MEAT? TRY THIS DISGUSTING PORTABELLO BURGER.
SERIOUSLY? The goal is to make the crazy vegetarians happy. Not to make them throw up in your restaurant.
ANYWAY.
I bring this up because I ordered a breakfast burrito at the coffee shop this morning (MOM! CHECK IT OUT: I’M ACTUALLY WRITING AT A COFFEE SHOP SO YOU CAN STOP THE LECTURES AND GUILT ABOUT ‘YOU SHOULD WRITE SOMETIME…’)
ANYWAY.
The menu stated that it came with veggies and I should’ve been all WHAT KIND OF VEGGIES? but I like to appear as low maintenance as possible so I was like veggies? I LOVE VEGGIES! I LOVE ALL VEGGIES.
Um. Until my breakfast burrito showed up and was made up of mostly mushrooms.
Not little chopped mushrooms.
Not a mushroom or two.
ONE THOUSAND HUGE MUSHROOMS.
(I took a picture of it with my phone but it makes me so ill that I can’t even post it. Plus, I’m sure there’s going to be a sicko out there who actually LIKES the picture and thinks it’s ATTRACTIVE and God, the internet is full of dangerous mushroomophiles.)
So, perhaps I should’ve brought it back to the counter and been like “Hi, excuse me, I’m sorry, I didn’t know vile shards of funghi that make me barf mushrooms were a part of this meal, can I exchange this for something edible that doesn’t make my skin crawl a different choice?”
EXCEPT at this particular coffee shop, about three months ago, I ordered a pesto panini. Sounds good right? Mozzarella, red peppers, YUMMMM!
Except in huge letters on the menu it said CHICKEN MOZZARELLA PESTO PANINI and my mind skipped over the chicken part so I became THAT girl who was like Oh sorry, is there chicken on this? I didn’t know that!
And I am not lying to you, three coffee shop employees all stared at me like I was the dumbest person on the planet, just blinking at my lame blonde self, all, Uh, that is a CHICKEN panini? So uh yeah, there is chicken on it.
AND I FELT SO STUPID.
AND I COULDN’T DO THAT AGAIN.
Even though I was met with a fate way worse…mushrooms all over my burrito.
WHO PUTS MUSHROOMS ON A BREAKFAST BURRITO? I ASK YOU.
I suppose maybe the answer is to just frequent another coffee shop. A coffee shop where mushrooms are banned from the menu and when I make a mistake ordering a chicken panini because I didn’t know there was chicken in it, I am not met with GOD U R DUMB stares.
Maybe.
But they have really good coffee here.
I digress.
I’m sorry for those people who were hurt by my post.
I’m sorry for making things personal and for spewing my hate and rage and disgust all over the internet.
I really am.
BUT I HAVE TO LIVE AS MY MOST AUTHENTIC SELF, AMIRITE?
This is me, TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT.
In other news, the avocado spread that came with the burrito is absolutely divine.
AVOCADO: A food I can get behind.
That’s all, guys.
What’s for lunch today?
Breakfast grossed me the hell out was disappointing but for lunch I have leftover birthday dinner which was this recipe, modified with vegetarian Italian sausage. It was EXCELLENTE.
And you?
And your views on mushrooms?
You can have whatever opinion you want about them.
As long as it’s the same as mine.
Amen, sister. Particularly about the part where all vegetarian options include massive amounts of mushrooms. Why does this have to be??
Well, I am indeed one of those folks who can’t imagine the point of living life without mushrooms, but I get it
Mushrooms have a texture that I can imagine for some people would be hard to deal with. I have texture issues, just not with mushrooms 
Even as a mushroom enthusiast
I also have no idea why they are often used as a meat “replacement”. It’s not like they are meat textured or full of protein. What gives? I know some folks will say they are meaty, but no, they are not.
I’m with you on the avocado. I’m all over that creamy goodness
Mushrooms are NASTY!!! I can’t even look at them!
YES! Mushrooms are so awful. Mushrooms rank in the my top 5 grossest food list, along with liver and oysters.
Try being a vegetarian who doesn’t eat tomatoes. Automatically cuts out the majority of vegetarian dishes at the places I eat out at. Eating tomatoes makes me physically ill and I abhor the taste (probably because they make me throw up).
But I do like mushrooms.
Dear God, Kaz. You lost me at “who doesn’t eat tomatoes”.
I sputtered and stuttered and now I am just confounded by this news. I did not know people like you exist. THIS IS EXTRAORDINARY.
Do you fare okay with Asian cuisine? Methinks you’d have a super easy time eating Thai and the like.
But Italian? Forget it. Gah.
So you can understand how hard it can be for me?
Italian is almost impossible as I don’t go for lots of creamy sauces either. Homemade pizza is all good as I can use all sorts of sauces with no tomato – basil pesto / spicy plum etc. Mexican food can be a problem too. And try and find a sandwich, etc with yummy salad type fillings with no tomato!
Asian cuisine is pretty good – and I do love Thai / Malaysian / Chinese / Japanese food so that is a win.
I do wonder if my aversion to tomato is just in my mind but the throwing up that occurs after eating tomato is rather hard to ignore.
Hate mushrooms, hate tomatoes, hate avocado…the end!
Kaz Woah! Yes I totally understand even if I THINK YOU ARE CRAZY. Just kidding. You actually puke? I bet if I ate a mushroom, I would do the same. I start gagging at the sight of ‘em. Blargh.
Mom You hate tomatoes?! What!? SINCE WHEN? THIS IS A LIE.
Hi Laura!! LOLz. This totally cracked me up. Yeap, I kinda agree with you that it’s insane to put tons of mushrooms in vegetarian dishes. I think it’s weird!! Just because someone’s a vegetarian doesn’t mean they automatically loves fungi pile, right?
BTW, I do like mushrooms. :S
Fun fact: Fungi are closer to the animal kingdom than they are to the plant kingdom. Yes, that is true. It all makes much more sense, now, doesn’t it, Laura?
For the record, I love mushrooms, tomatoes and avocado. It’s all so good.
So… most vegetarian dishes have mushrooms (which aren’t a vegetable and are actually closer to animals than plants) or tomatoes (which are a fruit, not a vegetable) or both. I guess the joke’s on you, vegetarians. V8 should be called V7F1.
I like mushrooms, but not portabellos for the same reason since back when I was a vegetarian. That and eggplant. It’s either one or the other. And the waitstaff always present the portabello and/or eggplant dishes like they are gold.