I have a hard time not living my life at warp speed.

I am a do-er.

I operate best when I have a jam-packed schedule.

I like to make plans and lists and set goals.

I like to GO GO GO pretty much all the time.

It’s probably the number one thing most of my ex-boyfriends hated about me. I couldn’t sit still for a damn minute. And carving out time for them was really hard for me because…I didn’t want to give up “My Stuff” to accommodate them.

But, this is not about my failed relationships.

OH NO, IT IS NOT.

(Maybe that will be my next five part series. JUUUUUUUUUUST KIDDING WHO WOULD WANT TO READ THAT OHMYGOD!)

The point is: I like to do shit.

My temp job, which I have been at for a year and a half, was really great for letting me ‘do shit’. It paid me lots of money, first of all. So I could take classes and workshops and see shows, etc. It also gave me flexibility to leave during the day for an audition, if one happened to come up. It challenged me in a way that most temp jobs hadn’t before (read: I was no longer an admin, thank the Lord) and I found I even ENJOYED the work I was doing there instead of wishing desperately to get out of my cubicle.

But then. I lost it.

I have three days left at my job and then it will be gone.

And the timing of this coincided with my huge crisis of DO I STILL WANT TO BE AN ACTOR!? I DON’T EVEN KNOW IF I WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE!

The past few weeks have been incredibly rough as all of these things sort of piled on me at once and now I had no idea what to do for a living but also, no idea what to do…in the mean time.

Standstill.

Stand. Still.

The last time I lost my job was in July of 2009. I had a babysitting gig lined up the very next day. I scrambled around in a panic, rushing to try to find something because that’s what I do, I PLAN! I GO! THIS IS WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT.

This time is very different because I made an active choice…to not know.

And I can tell you honestly? I still don’t know.

This upcoming Monday is my last day of work and on Tuesday ???

And on Wednesday ???

I did race around madly trying to line up a few things. I swear, I did, it’s just how I operate. I looked into other temp jobs, I looked into babysitting work and something really interesting happened: in the past few days, every single one of those options fell through. Instead of ripping all my hair out because I NEED A JOB OH MY GOD! I finally took a breath and just said “Okay!”.

So this is how it’s going to be.

Huh.

Cushy temp jobs are really nice. But it’s easy to use them as a crutch. It’s easier to walk away from an audition when you have something safe waiting for you. So, what would it look like if there wasn’t anything safe waiting for me? What if I just had space and time? Huge chunks of it? Spread out before me? To do as I pleased?

And that is the conclusion I came to about my survival job.

In essence, there ain’t one.

Along with figuring that out, I’ve been giving quite a lot of thought to the idea of pursuing something creative which is what I’ve been talking about this past week or so with all these little stories and the realization that YES, I still wanted to perform but NO, I wasn’t quite sure in what capacity I wanted to do that.

So. Hey.

I’m going to take this new free time to write more.

And I’m going to continue taking some improv classes.

And I’m going to stop taking seminars with people in the music theatre industry and I’m going to start taking them with TV/film people instead, specifically those people who cast sitcoms. I’ve already done a few and the commentary back to me has been nothing short of astounding.

Um. Turns out I’m funny, you guys.

I don’t actually have something BIG! and MAGICAL! to tell you. I’m not moving to Los Angeles (yet.) I’m not going back to school (yet). I’m not pregnant with triplets (YET OH MY GOD PLEASE NEVER).

I just…I’m taking a pause.

I’m shifting gears.

I can write decently. I have a pretty solid sense of humor. I think these are my strengths. And maybe there isn’t a way to make something happen with these two things but hmm. Maybe there is.

For the past five years, I have essentially worked 6 days a week. A temp job, Saturday night babysitting, on and on and on work work work work.

And now, I’m just…well. I’m not going to do that anymore.

I’m going to slow down.

And you might think I’d feel good about this, right?

Like, WOW! AN UNEMPLOYED BREAK! To take lots of class and write in coffee shops and watch Oprah! And maybe bake bread from scratch regularly because I don’t have a job now, I CAN DO THINGS LIKE THAT! HELLS YES LAURA!

But really, you guys? I feel terrified.

And I feel like people are going to judge me.

I feel…kind of stupid.

Don’t people my age start really settling into their careers by now?

Don’t they make more money than they did in their early 20′s? Not less?

If I was going to be an actor, wouldn’t I have SOME semblance of success by 28?

Hm. No, actually.

Someone recently asked me how I defined ‘success’. As in, what will it take for me to say that I’m successful?

I told them that my goal has always been to be able to pay my bills with my artistic endeavors.

Super cute, right?

And then this someone said to me, “Well, what if that never happens? Does that mean you lived your life as a failure?”

Well.

NO! GOD! OF COURSE NOT!

So, as I’m attempting to navigate some new waters in terms of acting and writing and comedy, I’m also trying to be more gentle with myself and redefine what it means to be a success.

And as I decided this, I stumbled across this quote by Bill Watterson:

“Creating a life that reflects your values and satisfies your soul is a rare achievement. In a culture that relentlessly promotes avarice and excess as the good life, a person happy doing his own work is usually considered an eccentric, if not a subversive. Ambition is only understood if it’s to rise to the top of some imaginary ladder of success. Someone who takes an undemanding job because it affords him the time to pursue other interests and activities is considered a flake. A person who abandons a career in order to stay home and raise children is considered not to be living up to his potential–as if a job title and salary are the sole measure of human worth. You’ll be told in a hundred ways, some subtle and some not, to keep climbing, and never be satisfied with where you are, who you are, and what you’re doing. There are a million ways to sell yourself out, and I guarantee you’ll hear about them.”

Well. Huh. Yes.

Creating a life that reflects my values and satisfies my soul.

That is success, to me now.

Hasn’t that been the lesson my parents have been teaching me since I was born?

Wouldn’t it be great if I could stop judging myself so harshly and just…live the way I want to?

And so I am, you guys!

This Tuesday, I will probably haul my laptop to a coffee shop and begin editing some of my blog entries into short story format. I might splurge on a soy latte. You just never know.

On Sunday afternoons, I take a musical improv class. It involves making up songs that are funny. It is the best fun I have ever had.

Next Thursday, I begin another improv class, without the music, but with the funny. I’m nervous about it. But excited.

And all that time in between, before and after?

I’m going to fill it as I see fit.

With delicious things that make me happy.

I am an artist.

I will always be.

I’m just finding new ways to sculpt and new things to paint.

Wish me luck, everybody! It’s been a tumultuous couple of months as I’ve tried to figure this all out and for me to have no plan is um, kind of wacky.

BUT HERE I GO!

Here’s to being artistic!

Here’s to having courage!

Here’s to living an unconventional life!

Go me, right?

I kind of kick ass.