The famous phrase uttered to acting students all over the world since the beginning of time seems to be “If you could be happy doing something else, do it”.

It basically means: Look, acting is competitive and requires enormous amounts of sacrifice and you might never ‘make it’ and you’ll probably be poor your whole life and it’s super hard to have a family or sustain a marriage and you’ll get rejected more than anyone else in the world and that’s a pretty intense reality to accept so, DO YOURSELF A FAVOR: don’t live this life unless you absolutely have to.

When I started realizing that I didn’t necessarily have the chops to keep pursuing musical theatre full time, I came back to this question and tried to answer it.

Many of my friends have already had the realizations I described in my last post and have taken steps toward switching careers. Some are in the middle of it now and some are already long gone. I have friends who stayed within the arts field – someone became an agent, someone became a casting director, or they write songs or direct. And I have friends who left completely – law school, grad school, teaching, being a stay-at-home mom in the middle of Idaho.

This is not uncommon and this is why the New York City actor population is kind of like a pyramid – at the bottom are the fresh-faced college grads. There are approximately one billion of them. But as these people get older, they start to fall away from the business and there are less and less actors as the age range increases. This is because most people are sane. And are all ARE YOU KIDDING ME THAT THIS IS MY LIFE? NO THANKS. And as they near thirty, they go. And I think there’s something admirable about that.

No, I think there’s something completely AMAZINGLY ADMIRABLE in that.

First of all, switching careers at any point in your life is scary, for anyone. That’s a big leap of faith and it’s often full of uncertainty and fear.

But more importantly? I think actors who switch careers possibly take the biggest ego hit out of anyone.

EVEN if you know there is something else you’d rather be doing, even when you admit that acting is not your passion anymore and you want something more, even when you’re all I TOTALLY GOT THIS, NO PROBLEM, there is a sense of failure that comes with your decision.

“I moved to this city to be something and…I never will be that something.”

Most of the time, it’s not even because you weren’t any good and didn’t find success. It’s because YOU chose to gracefully say goodbye and move onto something more appropriate.

But, my God. How do you not feel a sense of loss? How do you not grieve for that person you used to want to be? Particularly when so many of my friends that have left have been training to be actors or dancers or performers for almost their entire lives? Years and years of training.

And then you move to New York.

And you grow up.

And you think “Oh, shit. This isn’t what I want after all.”

A friend of mine who studied theatre his whole life and went to a conservatory program at a reputable university told me that he graduated college, moved to NYC to be a musical theatre performer and after about a week realized: “Um. Actually the only thing I like about performing is the applause I get when it’s over.”

And that was the end of that. Because, really, you can find applause elsewhere.

So! I decided to look really hard within myself to see if it was my turn to make a choice, grieve my loss and move on.

Did I even want this anymore? And if I didn’t, what did I want? Are there other things I would enjoy doing just as much? Should I do them?

The last part was easy.

I ENJOY LOTS OF THINGS, YOU GUYS!

I like to eat! PERHAPS I SHALL DO THAT.

I like babies! PERHAPS I SHALL HAVE SOME.

I’m a good teacher! I’m good with computers! I like taking trips! I like to buy clothes! I like yoga! I read magazines! Sometimes I go for long walks!

What does this mean? I SHOULD BE A MOM WHO EATS A LOT WITH BABIES ON A COMPUTER WHO TAKES TRIPS TO TAKE YOGA AND READ MAGAZINES.

WHAT.

But. Um. Anyway.

Once the brainstorming calmed down and I was sitting crosslegged in my bed meditating, something appeared inside me and I knew it was the truth.

Not auditioning for musical theatre anymore didn’t make me all that upset. I didn’t feel like I HAD to do it. I didn’t feel like I was missing out on much by not pursuing it anymore.

But.

When I thought about not performing at all, in any capacity, ever again. When I thought about not having at least the chance to audition for projects, for taking class, for getting in front of people and making them laugh?

My throat constricted and I felt like I was going to choke and throw up at the same time.

If that possibility were ever taken away from me, performing as a whole, well. I don’t think I would last longer than an hour.

It sounds dramatic but come on, what do you want from me?

I AM AN ACTOR.

And so I decided, as tears streamed down my face while I sat on my bed in Astoria, Queens, in the apartment I had moved into five and a half years ago, when I was young and excited and inspired: it wasn’t time for me to let go just yet. As jaded and frustrated as I was, it wasn’t time to grieve. And it wasn’t time to give up.

But then…what was it time for?

 

To become John Travolta! No, just kidding. MORE TOMORROW!