The twins’ mom had to go out of town for an evening recently and she asked me if I could stay with the boys. I haven’t stayed over with the twins in quite a few years, probably since this video was taken about three or four years ago. (I don’t watch that video because it makes me cry because OMG OMG THEY ARE THE TINIEST LITTLE BEAAAAAAAAANS AND OWEN SAYS MY NAME LIKE “RARA” ‘CUZ HE CAN’T SAY HIS L’S YET AND BABIIIIIIIIIIIIIIES THEY GROW SO FAST, WIND BENEATH MY WINGS, ETC.)

So.

I was all, SURE! I will stay with your children!

And it was completely fine and awesome, as usual.

(Except for the time that Owen was trying to get my attention at the dinner table but I was in the middle of telling River something and so he just blurted out rather exasperatedly, LAURA PLEASE STOP TALKING. Dang, little man. Way to call me on it. Also, don’t be a jerk about it.)

But! I got to do a bunch of things with them that we don’t get to do on Saturdays which were really fun. Like homework. I LOVE HOMEWORK! Plus I was SO GOOD AT THEIR HOMEWORK! Which makes sense! Because it was for six year olds! I had to stop myself from giving away all the answers. COME ON GUYS, THIS IS SOOOOOO OBVIOUS!

I also got to take them to school the following morning, in the snow, which reiterated that having kids makes everything A Huge Ridiculous Challenge (it took us 17 minutes to walk 5 city blocks) and that having twins makes things So Ridiculously Challenging That When One Twin Loses His Glove And The Other Loses His Umbrella And The Light Is About To Change And The Snow Is Coming Down And You’re All In The Middle Of The Street, You Are Going To Want To Just Sit Down And Get Hit By That Bus Already Because WHAT IS THE POINT OF GOING ON!?!?

All in all, we made it to school, lost gloves and flying umbrellas included. And when they walked through the double doors alone, those tiny little people with huge backpacks on their backs containing the lunch I carefully packed for them, I almost cried because OH MY GOD that school is SO BIG and they are SO SMALL and WHY MUST KIDS GROW UP? WHY, PAPA?

The only thing I was not looking forward to about our sleepover was the actual sleeping part. This is not because I don’t love the boys to pieces but rather because they both have the habit of not staying in their own beds and they know I’m a total pushover and will let them get in bed with me and ONE TWIN, who shall not be named, is the WORST PERSON EVER TO SLEEP WITH. He just whacks you in the face constantly with all his limbs, takes over the entire bed, steals all the covers, makes it impossible for you to sleep.

Wait. It could be that sharing a bed with this twin is like sharing a bed with me.

EITHER WAY.

It ain’t fun.

Sure enough, around 1:30 in the morning, this twin appeared in the bedroom.

“I need some water,” he croaked.

I obliged.

“I need to stay with you,” he begged.

Sigh.

“It’s sort of early. Maybe you should get back into bed with Owen?”

“BUT THEN I WILL BE SCARED AND LONELY.”

“Alright. Fine. Come on in.”

I put a wall of pillows between us, told him not to take it personally and drifted off to sleep. I think I woke up a few times between 2 am and 5 am with a six year old’s hand in my face or his leg walloping me repeatedly in the stomach. It was super fun.

Just when I got settled, around 5:30, another little person appeared at my bedside. A little person who had barely any grasp on the basic concepts of ‘sleep’, ‘early mornings’ or ‘whispering’.

Owen: LAURA.

Me: What huh Owen? What is it?

Owen: RIVER IS GONE.

Me: What? No. No, River isn’t gone. He’s in bed with me. Right here.

Owen: I THOUGHT HE WAS GONE.

Me: No, dude. He came in a little while ago. Do you want to come in too?

Owen: YES OKAY. I AM LONELY.

Me: No problem. Just…let’s be quiet, okay? It’s still really early.

Owen: OKAY.

Me: And just…let’s go back to sleep…

Owen: OKAY.

Me: And not talk…

*prolonged silence*

Owen: HEY LAURA, REMEMBER ANGRY BIRDS LEVEL 6?!!!!!!!!!!!!

…

Yes.

I mean, no, I don’t. But, sure.

At 5:30 in the morning, the child wanted to talk to me about Angry Birds, the game he plays on his iPod Touch. And come on, I love Angry Birds more than anyone in the world but 5:30 AM is a bit early for me to discuss the ins and outs of this very enjoyable game where you shoot pissed off birds at smug little pigs.

We eventually all dozed off until 7:15 or so and then it was breakfast and getting dressed and I WANTED THE ORANGE GLOVES NO YOU CAN’T HAVE THEM THEY ARE MINE, YOU HAVE THE BLUE GLOVES and I finally got so tired of this argument that I put one blue glove and one orange glove on each little person.

“THERE,” I said cheerfully, suffering from extreme sleep deprivation, verging on manic hysteria. “NOW YOU BOTH HAVE ORANGE AND BLUE GLOVES AND WE CAN GO TO SCHOOL IN THE SNOW AND MOVE ON WITH OUR DAY BECAUSE DAYS ARE FUN! AREN’T THEY? WHAT A FUN DAY THIS IS TURNING OUT TO BE! I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE HOW MUCH FUN WE ARE GOING TO HAVE TODAY WITH OUR BLUE AND ORANGE GLOVES!”

Silence.

“Laura?”, remarked one twin slowly, marveling at his gloved hands, one orange, one blue.

“Yes?”

A pair of blue eyes looked up at me thoughtfully.

“You are very smart.”

“I think so, too,” I said.

And with that, we all marched out the door of the apartment on our way to school.