Setting: A set of 6 year old twins are running around chasing each other, one shooting the other with a gun fashioned out of paper and scotch tape, proving the point that you can banish toy guns all you want: children will find a way.

Me: OKAY OKAY ENOUGH.

Twin #1: LAURA WE WERE NOT FIGHTING.

Me: Okay. I know. But it’s getting rough and I don’t like the gun idea. It’s violent.

Twin #1: NO, NO, NO WE ARE NOT FIGHTING.

Me: I know! But it’s a little intense.

Twin #1: (emphatically) LAURA, PLEASE, I CAN STILL SHOOT RIVER WITH A GUN AND BE POLITE.

…

Setting: Walking through Bryant Park’s holiday market on our way to the ice skating rink.

Twin #2: Can we buy that toy today?

Me: Sorry honey, no.

Twin #2: Can we buy that toy someday?

Me: Maybe.

Pause.

Twin #2: How’s about someday is today?

…

Setting: Family dinner table, Sunday evening.
Topic: The television show “Family Guy”

My dad: I JUST NEVA LIKED IT.

Me: Too vulgar, huh?

My dad: NOT EVEN DAT. I THAWT IT WAS JUST DUMB.

Debbie: I LOVE IT.

John the Guy Who Lives Upstairs: I LOVE IT TOO.

Debbie: THAT SHOW IS JUST SO GOOD WITH THEIR REFERRALS.

Silence.

Me: You mean ‘references’?

Eruption of laughter.

Me: YOU KNOW DR. FAMILY GUY! ALWAYS MAKING THOSE PATIENT REFERRALS!

Debbie: SOMETIMES I GET WORDS CONFUSED.

…

Setting: Laura’s Apartment, 11:34 pm, Sunday evening
Scene 1 of 2
Music: loud
Roommates: dancing in the kitchen
Laura’s emotional state: dark but trying to cheer herself up after a really long hard weekend

*knock at the door*

All the Roommates Freeze and Stare At Each Other: (whispered) OH SHIT!

*Laura runs to turn down the music*

*opens the door*

Downstairs neighbor: I—

Laura: I KNOW! SORRY! I TURNED IT OFF!

Downstairs: (pissed off beyond belief) Uh yeah, could you, like, wear headphones after 10:30 or something?

Laura: Um, no, because we’re having a dance party.

*shuts door*

Scene 2 of 2

Person #1: (hysterically crying into the phone) THEGUYDOWNSTAIRSSNAPPEDATMEBECAUSEOFADANCEPARTY.

Person #2: I…don’t know what you’re saying.

Person #1: (gulping for air through tears) I was playing my music too loud because I had a really bad day and I wanted to dance and I should’ve realized how late it was except I didn’t and the downstairs neighbor came up to tell me to turn it down and he looked like he just woke up and I felt so ashamed and also mad because I wanted to have a dance party.

Person #2: What song were you dancing to?

Person #1: (hiccup) Say Hey. The best dance party in the kitchen song of all time.

Person #2: I don’t know that one. What’s another song you like to dance to?

Person #1: (confused) Why, what does it matter?

Person #2: Because I want to sing it to you over the phone so you can keep dancing.

Fin.