Marrow Yo!
So, I keep reading about people I know or people I don’t really know having cancer or battling cancer or getting beat up by cancer and I am quite sick of it, naturally.
And I feel like it’s one of those things where you’re like THAT IS HORRIBLE but you’re not really sure what else to do unless you’re close with the person and you can help them out as a good friend should.
And so, after a bit of frustration and sadness at the fact that cancer, how do you say, SUCKS THE BIG ONE? I decided to join the bone marrow registry.
You can do it too!
By clicking here.
You fill out your basic information, answer some health-related questions and then in about 7-10 days, you get a magic letter and package in the mail.
VOILA!
The first step of the process is to have really attractive family members!
Look! Even though we’ve yet to banish her Mom Jeans, I took Rita shopping and she bought a trendy cardigan, belted tunic and LEGGINGS. How foxy is this woman? And four kids to boot? PLAYA, PLEASE.
Once you have surrounded yourself with some total mama hotness, you can open up your magic package! (HA HA MAGIC PACKAGE.) And find some large sterile cotton swabs. LIKE SO!
Whip those bitches out!
Ignore the directions and swab the first one all over your mouth until your sister is like I HIGHLY DOUBT THAT’S HOW YOU DO IT.
Okay, fine. So you read the directions. Note that it looks like I am about to insert that q-tip as a needle into my arm. FAR FROM IT. I am just rolling up my sleeves on my muppet limb. PAY NO ATTENTION.
Realize that you should be using one swab on each quadrant of the mouth – upper right, upper left, lower right, lower left, swabbing for about a minute or so to gather ALL THAT DELICIOUS SALIVA.
Realize that it is A-OKAY to mess up a swab, as I did, by rubbing it all over my mouth instead of STICKING TO THE QUADRANTS OH MY GOD WHY DIDN’T I READ THE DIRECTIONS FIRST!? The Registry reassures me that they can still get results with less than four swabs. So, correct yourself! AND KEEP GOING.
While you are doing this, it is important to have fun activities going on around you so that you can be entertained. I swabbed my cheeks while my family blew up those plastic bubble type things with the little straws. You recall? Yes? This has ZERO to do with the marrow registry and everything to do with My Family Having Fun Times.
Take your cotton swabs! Put them back in the MAGIC PACKAGE! Seal the envelope! Send it on its merry way! YOU DID IT!
HOORAY FOR YOU!
Now go blow some bubbles! You are part of the Bone Marrow Registry! And if someone needs your bone marrow, you could be a potential match and perhaps save a life!
AND THAT IS GREAT.
So you should do it too! What are you waiting for!? GO GO GO! Lemme know if you need to borrow this man to take your picture while you swab your cheeks. I’ll rent him out for a few bucks. He’s pretty useful, you know, and I could use the cash.
THE END.
Laura, you are so adorable.
Bone marrow registry, eh? If you end up donating your bone marrow to some stranger… Well, let’s just say that I hope I never read another post about the soul-imperiling perils of grocery shopping.
After huffing all that plastic bubble polyvinyl, no wonder Uncle Paul is looking a bit loopy.
In any case, I’ll let you know if we need your stem cells. Let me just say this, it’s a very interesting process. Mua ha ha ha.
Deanna – It’s true. My dad is high on plastic bubble fumes. And yes, please do. DO NOT CACKLE. To quote Meatloaf, I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR LOVE/YOU/HANK, AND I WILL DO THAT.
You understand what I’m saying up above, right? You signed up for the bone marrow registry. That’s amazing and awesome and incredibly giving and selfless. So no more posts asking us if you’re the most spoiled person ever and agonizing over marinated artichokes (See? I didn’t say organic shallots!) as if they poured poison into your dad’s ear and married your mom. Because, otherwise, I’m going to lose even more keyboards doing my Don Music impression.
You went into Combat Mode. And you have won. Your victory couldn’t have been more lopsided if your opponent had been France. Or an Alabama democrat. In fact, your battle reminds me of the Monty Python sketch where Graham Chapman and Eric Idle hunt mosquitos with bazookas and machine guns. Laura stands victorious.