I’m tired, you guys.

There was a wedding. (WHICH WAS FREAKING AMAZING.)

And then there was a day coming home from the wedding and then the decision to go out to sing some karaoke that night until 2 am. (Not the best idea but it was worth it when Tom and David got up to sing a duet of Destiny’s Child’s “Bills, Bills, Bills”. COME ON NOW.)

And the following night, there was an 80th birthday party for my grandmother and I’m not going to confirm or deny it but it’s POSSIBLE that a family member came over to me toward the end of the night and told me I looked fat in my dress and y’all, that’s where I hit the breaking point of Time Spent With My Family.

I’m going to tell you something which by now should be completely obvious but I am a Highly Sensitive Person.

My mom is rolling her eyes right now because DUH and also, WHO CARES?

But I care.

You can find out if you are a Highly Sensitive Person here.

You’ll be pleased to know that I scored a 26 on that test. OHHHHHHHHHHHH YEAH.

My point is that I’ve been examining how fine a line it is, between knowing yourself (I AM A HIGHLY SENSITIVE PERSON) and getting attached to the labels you put on yourself to the point where you’re pretty annoying and high maintenance and all you can talk about is what a delicate flower you are, a super special snowflake of unique sensitivities that needs to be properly cared for at all times.

You know?

I think it’s good to know yourself. I think it’s important to be aware of your personality and your viewpoint and things that trigger negative reactions and behaviors within yourself. However, it’s really hard for me to accept that self-knowledge is a good thing because it feels selfish and somewhat irritating to be that person who’s all OH I AM SENSITIVE TO CHAOTIC SURROUNDINGS EXCUSE ME WHILE I SHUT MYSELF IN A DARKENED ROOM.

As far as I can see, this kind of judgment of myself is a learned behavior. My family members are super fun hilarious awesome and can be very nurturing people. But they also have a very ingrained DARE I SAY PROTESTANT? work ethic and a PULL YOURSELF UP BY YOUR BOOTSTRAPS mentality. I’m not doing a good job at explaining it but let’s just say that for awhile, I looked down on people who had allergies because OH MY GOD TOUGHEN UP, SISSY.

Allergies. And other forms of sickness, I think. The go-to in my family, maybe not so much with physical illness, but definitely mental illness is that you could fix it yourself if you tried hard enough. (Depression, etc.) This is a very old way of thinking, I realize that. And due to the fact that things like depression run in the family, the understanding and acceptance has really grown.

And yet, I still super get annoyed with people and their allergies. SO! OKAY! I HAVE SOME WORK TO DO.

My point is that I didn’t necessarily learn to be accepting of others’ limitations so my own insecurity still rears its head when I learn something specific about myself. I don’t want to come off as annoying but I’m learning I have to take care to avoid certain situations that push me toward a breaking point. You can’t always stay away from such triggers but I do think it’s up to you to do what you can. There’s nothing wrong with that, right?

And this is maybe where the line is drawn – it’s up to you to take personal responsibility for the things you know about yourself. It’s acceptable for me to say I AM A HIGHLY SENSITIVE PERSON AND MUST REMOVE MYSELF FROM THIS ENVIRONMENT IN ORDER TO COOL DOWN AND NOT STAB SOMEONE IN THE KIDNEYS. It’s not acceptable for me to say I AM A HIGHLY SENSITIVE PERSON, PLEASE BE AWARE OF THIS AND DO EVERYTHING IN YOUR POWER TO MAKE ME FEEL COMFORTABLE. It’s not up to others. It’s up to me.

All this family time over the long weekend was overwhelming for me, mostly in a very positive way. But sensory overload is sensory overload and I didn’t plan accordingly. I didn’t meditate at all, I brought clothes to go for a jog but was too tired to actually do it and I never paused to catch my breath or get centered before moving onto the next activity.

The result was not terrible. (I DIDN’T MURDER ANYONE! YAY!) But I did finally snap, in the car about five minutes away from home, physically pulling away from those around me and screaming something charming like I HATE ALL OF YOU. It was an interesting reaction to look at because in the moment, it was as if I had no control. My family is loud and there are lots of people and it was like every single word out of everyone’s mouth, every time someone touched me, all of it was building and building until it had nowhere to go because I was in the backseat of a CAR, right? So then I exploded.

And it wasn’t kind.

And I made a mistake.

So there you go.

Lesson learned! It is okay to be a Highly Sensitive Person! But maybe that Highly Sensitive Person needs to let herself take a nap or get out of the car for a second to stretch. This trip would’ve been a little more smooth for me (and others around me HA HA SORRY GUYS!) had I taken the time to take care of myself…which I used to think was selfish. But now I see as simply necessary.

That people with allergies thing though?

I gotta work on it.

Or maybe they just need to SUCK IT UP AND STOP COMPLAINING.

Either one.