Things have been quiet on here as far as The Spectrum’s romantic blog posts. Probs ‘cuz I got no romance yo! And this I have accepted.

I try to be carefully guarded in terms of bringing people onto the blog in a romantic sort of way. But then I get excited about a relationship and I’m all HEY YOU GUYZ, MEET MAH BOYFRIEND!

And then it sort of ends disastrously. And then you guys miss him. And I miss him. And he takes a job in Belarus and moves across the world.

That is…not fictional, actually, if you can believe it.

Sigh.

But it doesn’t matter because it’s not really appropriate to process those relationshippy achey-breaky heart feelings on this blog. LESSON LEARNED and all that. Yet I still find it hard to walk the line, often feel compelled to write about things that I shouldn’t.

For now, my dating life is suspended. Partly it’s because my attention is needed elsewhere. Partly it’s because I’m just so tired. I’m tired of starting over. I’m tired of being disappointed. I’m tired of doing the same thing over and over and expecting it to be different which means now, I’m attempting to work through the issues that caused my relationship(s) to collapse in the first place because it’s not like everything is the fault of someone else. (I KNOW, RIGHT? HARD TO BELIEVE.)

I’m reading a wonderful self-helpyish book with a mortifying title – “How To Be An Adult In Relationships”. (Especially awesome when you bust it out on the subway. It keeps all possible men who might hit on you at bay.) My mom saw it a few weeks ago and was like BWA HA HA IS IT HELPING? WILL YOU GIVE ME GRANDKIDS NOW?

Oh, mom. Please go bug my older brother about that. You know, the one who has been married for seven years.

Anyway. The author proposes that your partner should fulfill no more than 25% of your needs.

The first time I read that, I was like OH SURELY YOU JEST, MY GOOD MAN.

He is not jesting.

One of my issues in relationships is my tendency toward protecting my independence and grudgingly compromising and then resenting the other person for taking away my space. (I know! I’m LOVELY!) But even I, Queen of This Is My Space, Please Go Away, thought 25% was extremely low. I was all, but isn’t my partner supposed to be my person to tonguekiss and someone who will fix all my problems and unclog the drain and be my friend and my beach buddy and make me happy all the time?

Oh.

They’re not?

You mean, it’s healthier to learn how to fulfill your own needs instead of waiting for someone to do it for you?

DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE.

SHUT UP. That is crazy talk.

I have to say that I’ve been reading similar things in other places. On blogs and in books and blah dee blah. I also quietly observe this pattern in real life, these instances of girls becoming increasingly disillusioned after marriage. Not that they are unhappy like OH CRAP! THAT WAS A MISTAKE! But it’s just that they put so much on GETTING MARRIED and after it happens, they’re like “Oh. I am still the same.” Hm. You can of course replace “getting married” with “find a boyfriend”, “get involved in a serious relationship”, etc.

I started to wonder how much of my life I was putting on hold because I wasn’t in a relationship. (Thankfully, not too much because I’m generally a go-getter type of gal. But the attitude that “everything will be fixed when you find a husband” is pervasive and I was tuning into it little by little.) I think that was what I was trying to say in my post awhile back about going out and doing more and saying YES to things. I don’t want to sit around waiting anymore.

I’m starting to realize that my life is not going to start when I meet My Person. My life is happening right now. And honestly? I might never find My Person. That is very possible. So, I have to learn to sustain myself and make my own happiness. I have to go out for the fun of going out, not for the purpose of meeting a man. I need to dance on rooftops and cross stuff off my Mondo Beyondo list. I have to take action and get involved and become my own source of happiness. This is so empowering.

It’s completely up to me to live my life the way I want to live it. It’s not dependent on anyone else. And the loneliness will come, as it does. And instead of scurrying around trying to pretend it isn’t there, I can just sit with it. Feel it. Let it go.

I understand now that the only person who can fix my problems is me. The person who makes me happy is quite simply, myself. I create my own happiness, my own joy, my own deliciously rich and full life. And now that I know this, I can feel myself getting closer to whole. I can feel the gaps getting smaller and I can feel the strength in me increasing. There is a ton of love in my life – my friends, my family, my work – but underlying it all is the very simple love of myself. What a powerful love it is. 

(c) April Muse