I DON’T

Kiss anyone who has a girlfriend/wife/boyfriend/husband.

Drink milk.

Leave the beauty aisle of the pharmacy after grabbing what I need. I like to smell all the shampoos.

Think it’s okay to say “I would never do that” because…how do you know?

Believe that people are owed something “just because they’re family”.

Have health insurance.

Always say the right thing.

Always dress appropriately for work.

Always use my money wisely.

Have the best taste in music.

Call people back on time.

I CAN’T

Sleep on my back.

Eat the last cookie.

Articulate what I’m feeling right away; I need some time to process.

Stop myself from obsessively checking the weather forecast.

Do a backflip.

Speak German.

Take back my mistakes.

I’M PRONE TO

Impromptu dance offs in the kitchen.

Getting stuck in my head.

Tripping over something on the sidewalk.

Singing in elevators.

Playing with people’s hair.

Doodling my name over and over on a piece of paper while talking on the phone.

Stealing the covers.

Cramps that make me puke.

Gripping the arm of the airplane seat during turbulence.

Nausea after taking my vitamins.

I TEND TO

Forget people’s names the first time I meet them.

Spend too much money on iced green teas.

Feel more comfortable around boys.

Talk more than I listen.

Leave my rainboots in the hall instead bringing them inside.

Leave the cabinets open after I get a snack.

Leave my sweatshirt on the couch, my glass of water on the table, my bag on the floor.

Say “please” and “thank you”, tip the barista and joke with the grocery store cashier.

Choose work over other more important things.

Forget that I bought those avocados until they’re in the back of the fridge, black and smushy.

Get frustrated when I don’t see enough progress.

I WON’T

Hang up without saying goodbye.

Say no to a day at the beach.

Dumb myself down, pretend I don’t get it, make myself smaller to make you more comfortable.

Stop poking fun at myself when I do something stupid.

Know when to stop but I’ll apologize when I go too far.

Wear flip flops when I can wear high heels.

Leave the house without undereye concealer.

AT 27, I THINK

People who don’t appreciate me aren’t worth my time.

Taking time for myself isn’t selfish. It’s necessary.

I could use some more friends.

I need to put the Blackberry away, far far away.

The wrinkles on my forehead deserve to die.

The fact that some people don’t like me is okay. I don’t like everyone either.

I should get some health insurance.

Eating a cupcake for breakfast sets up a most perfect Friday.

I’m doin’ alright. In every sense of the word. Aw yeah. Doin. Alright.