Remember when I’m going to Italy in a few weeks?

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

This got pushed down on my To Do list for awhile due to other things like “Make Sure Your Dad Survives A Staph Infection” and “Buy A Pair of White Jeans”.

(BTW, should I buy those white jeans? Will I look stupid? I feel like I will inevitably spill something on them and permanently stain them but maybe looking cute for those first few hours before I do that will be worth it. THOUGHTS?)

Anyway.

I am going to Italy.

I don’t know if you’ve heard.

I will be traveling with some fierce companions. Namely, Famous Cousin Tom, my sister and my sister’s boyfriend Matt who I rarely talk about here but who is hilarious and worthy of several blog posts entitled STUFF MATT SAYS.

The four of us are headed over to Europe in mid-July to attend my cousin Beth’s wedding in Rome. We decided to sort of…make a vacation out of it. (A VACATION? WHAT’S THAT?) We are flying into Geneva for the sole purpose of twirling around the mountains with braids in our hair singing songs from the Sound of Music. I’m sure that won’t be annoying or touristy at ALL.

We are currently figuring out HOW to get out of Geneva and onto our next destination. We have a tentative schedule and accommodations pretty much booked but we’re having a hell of a time figuring out how to get the hell out of Switzerland.

(Note to self: write a book entitled “How To Get The Hell Out of Switzerland”.)

We figured we would take the train from Geneva into Italy and sort of work our way down until we get to Rome in time for the wedding.

(This is a set up to one of the greatest European vacation/wedding comedies ever made. Coming to theaters near you.)

TAKE A TRAIN! OH YES! GOOD IDEA! We declared ourselves geniuses. EUROPEANS LOVE TRAINS! TRAIN TRAVEL IS EASY!

Yeah. It’s easy. Until we attempted to plug in random Italian cities and all the rail websites told us it would take nine hours to travel from Geneva to Turin and I was all…what?

Also, it would cost approximately one million dollars.

WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON YOU GUYS? The Euro is dropping and yet I still have to spend more than my weekly paycheck on a train out of Switzerland? How is that fair? Aren’t the Swiss supposed to be neutral? Why are they so opposed to making my life easy? WHY WHY WHY?

Then Tom had a brilliant idea.

“WHAT IF WE DROVE TO TURIN?”

I…what?

I Google mapped it because that’s what you do nowadays and wouldn’t you know the driving distance from Geneva to Turin?

Is only about three hours.

DO NOT ASK ME WHY THE TRAIN TAKES NINE HOURS. DON’T EVEN. I DO NOT KNOW.

(The other train option said it would take thirteen hours to travel from Geneva to Turin. I am not making this up. Those were our choices. Thanks a lot, Switzerland. FOR NOTHING.)

So we have tentatively decided to rent a car to get us (everybody now!) THE HELL OUT OF SWITZERLAND.

The challenges I foresee include:

1. DRIVING THE HELL OUT OF SWITZERLAND. IN A CAR!
because:
a. None of us have ever driven anywhere outside the USA
b. I can’t drive in America, I mean seriously, I AM A TERRIBLE DRIVER. I’m most certainly not going to be driving overseas
c. Matt can drive stick shift but no one else can
d. I do not know who to dial in an emergency and haven’t yet learned to say HELP WE ARE PLUMMETING OFF A MOUNTAIN in any language other than English.

OTHER THAN THAT?

I think it’s a fantastic idea! What could go wrong! AM I RIGHT LADIES?!

Once we get to Turin, the trains run efficiently and cheaply and we can proceed on down through the marvelous country of gelato and pizza without having to get behind the wheel of a car.

Turin is a new addition to our trip and I’m not exactly sure what we’re going to do there. I’m not so worried because when I was researching places to stay, I came upon this description on a hostel website:

“Forehead of the building, there is a long and beautiful walk where to make jogging, biking or walking along the river Po.”

Naturally, I booked a room for us right away.

I cannot wait to make jogging at the forehead of the building along the river Po.

That is, if we ever get the hell out of Switzerland.

YOU FEEL ME?