Something has been healed in my heart.

It wasn’t something I tried to make happen. Actually, quite the opposite. Every time I thought about allowing the shift to take place, my ego tried to slam on the brakes. It tried to put up walls and it kicked and screamed until my stomach was physically aching from the struggle.

My ego is used to being in charge and therefore is very strong. It’s used to being fed and it’s used to me paying attention to it. It doesn’t seem to like being ignored and it doesn’t like it when I don’t listen to it. It’s not a fan of this New Me, the me who actually finds the ego hilarious most of the time. The me who simply observes the ego working itself into a frenzy and then dismisses it with a wave of her hand.

“Oh, that is pretty funny that you’re getting upset about that…”

“Oh, ego! You are so cute when you blame other people for your problems!”

“OH HA HA EGO! You who constantly thinks it’s about YOU!”

There were a lot of painful moments for me this week. Moments when I got that bee sting in my stomach, you know? Moments that made me say “ow” and made me cry and made my ego throw temper tantrums. My ego wanted to re-enact all these painful moments in my head. It wanted to have imaginary conversations with people, envisioning what it would be like to hurt these people who hurt me. It wanted to send scathing e-mails and it wanted to write passive-aggressive blog posts. It wanted to do anything but sit still.

And so I sat still.

I sat very still.

And I went down a well, a very deep well that I thought would never end. I tried to find the source of the hurt and the reason for the shame. I knew that the only way to heal was to go to the place I didn’t want to go. All the way down. My ego protested initially and its voice was loud and clear.

THIS ISN’T GOING TO WORK, YOU KNOW.

NOTHING IS GOING TO COME OF THIS.

YOU ARE WASTING YOUR TIME.

But I sat, silently, on my bed. Breathing deeply. And I waited. I called to mind all the things my ego did not want to think about. I gently guided my thoughts where I needed them to go. After a few minutes of this, this brave exploring of a very dark cave, my ego roared. It erupted with such intensity that there were physical reactions.

I let it roar.

I let it cry.

I let it out.

I hit the bottom of the well and I was still breathing. It was the loneliest I had ever been, the most scared, the most hurt. But I was still breathing.

I was unaware of time passing, of my environment, of everything but my wounds and my scars, some of them from so very long ago. One by one, I acknowledged them. I said, Hello. I remember you. You don’t need to be here anymore.

I whispered soothing love songs to the things that hurt. I forgave myself for the things I was ashamed of and embarrassed about. I allowed people to come to mind and I had conversations with them. Not angry conversations, not tirades, just loving words. I was gentle with them and with myself. I told them everything I ever wanted to say, I cried and I laughed and if someone or something was particularly painful, I stayed engaged until it wasn’t anymore. Ultimately, I let them fly.

By the time it was over, my ego was silent. There were no thoughts running through my mind at all, no judgments, no pain. In a startlingly clear space, I fell into meditation and it was the easiest it had ever been, probably because I had drained everything else out of me.

I opened my eyes to find that an hour had passed.

I took note of how whole I felt.

Of how quiet and simple and beautiful my life was in that moment.

I know that it’s inevitable for pain to come back, I know that scars can still prick and burn but I also know that healing took place. And most of all, that I needed it to take place. That I have been carrying around so much hurt, so many bags of emotional crap and…well, I needed to put those bags down.

Enough is enough, right?

I felt that shift, me moving closer to my truer Self, the Real Me, the one who knows the ego is just an ego. It’s not meant to be listened to or indulged. I don’t have to be the girl who goes to others to fix her problems, I don’t have to be the girl who isn’t okay being alone. I can choose who I want to be.

I want to be strong.

I want to be free.

This weekend?

I was.