I think my mom gets secretly excited every time I break up with a boyfriend because then it means I’m single and maybe just MAYBE I will have a change of heart, hear the voice of God and steal away to a convent.

Yes, indeed. I shall get me to a nunnery!

No dice, mom.

There are a whole host (HA HA GET IT?) of reasons why the Catholic Church does not want me to become one of its nuns. Not the least of which is because I have a very skewed perspective of what nuns actually DO. From a strictly musical theatre/pop culture perspective, I realize that part of me thinks I could leave the convent at any time to take care of a Captain’s seven children and outfit them in lederhosen made of curtains. The other part of me thinks that I can join a choir and clap my hands and get people to show up to church while hiding Whoopi Goldberg from the feds.

THE OTHER PART OF ME, the part that isn’t DELUSIONAL, realizes that nuns sort of scare me because this one time? At our church growing up? We had a nun there named Sister Margaret who was REALLY NICE but was kind of a hoarder and she kept a lot of stuff in her car including old McDonald’s take out containers which isn’t a CRIME per se and defintiely isn’t something she needs absolution from and I AM NOT GOING TO SPEAK ILL OF THE DEAD but let’s say I get a lot of anxiety when I think about becoming a nun because I’m a very organized person and I don’t think I can drive around with ALL THAT STUFF IN MY BACKSEAT, I just don’t think I can do it, please DO NOT MAKE ME.

But that doesn’t stop a mother from dreaming.

She better watch what she says because the next time she suggests I commit my body and soul to God instead of a man, I’m going to remind her that I’m probably the frontrunner for giving her grandchildren, even in my single state so WHICH IS MORE IMPORTANT? HMMM?? Cute little smushy baby grandchildren named after her or saying the rosary driving around in a station wagon full of junk?

I’m waiting for an e-mail that’s about to enter my inbox where my mom is all I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU SAID THAT ABOUT SISTER MARGARET.

And I’m going to be all, WELL IT WAS TRUE AND YOU KNOW IT. And also? SISTER MARGARET MAY OR NOT HAVE PRESSURED ME INTO JOINING THE CHRISTMAS PAGEANT WHICH I SUPER DID NOT WANT TO DO BUT YOU SAID I COULDN’T SAY NO TO A NUN AND THAT WAS THE WORST TIME IN MY PRE-ADOLESCENT LIFE AND I HAVEN’T EVEN BROUGHT THAT UP IN THERAPY YET.

So, no. I do not think I will be joining God’s chosen few anytime soon.

I did promise my mom that I would buy her this shirt as a consolation.

I think that’s only fair.