So, I’m single again.

STORY OF MY LIFE, Y’ALL.

And I’m okay. I really am.

I mean, I’m not. It sucks. I am sad. I am missing my buddy. Particularly the smell of his deodorant and his dimples and his text messages about the students in his class and that Indian restaurant by his house that had the amazing chana masala.

Wait. What? Where was I? Now I’m hungry AND sad. WHY IS IT ALWAYS ABOUT FOOD WITH ME?! Ugh.

I’ve been through quite a few break ups in my life. Some were extremely ugly and dragged on for YEARS. (I LUV HIGH SCHOOL!) Some were curt, matter-of-fact goodbyes and over within minutes. This has been a very painful break up but a very kind break up. We didn’t throw any staplers at each other’s heads so I’m thinking that speaks positively for both of us.

Due to my vast experience with ending a relationship, I have a solid pattern in place for getting through it. Here are some of my Ways of Coping, in list format with images I created in Microsoft Paint, as you should expect nothing less from me at this point.

CRAP I DO WHEN RELATIONSHIPS ARE OVER.
(ALSO I AM CRAZY.)

1. My initial reaction to everything is to cry and break ups are no exception. I cried all the way home from PCG’s house on Sunday morning then crawled into my bed and cried some more. I think that if you want to feel sad you should REALLY feel sad. You should go the deepest darkest depths. WHY NOT? YOUR HEART IS BROKEN. YOU MUST MOURN. I don’t see anything wrong with being truly self-indulgent and pulling out every cliché in the book. My personal favorites include playing a song on repeat that reminds me of him while looking at pictures of us while wetting my pillow with tears or watching City of Angels which is the saddest most ridiculous movie ever created. You can cry about the heartbreaking story line or you can just cry because you’re willingly watching Nicholas Cage. WIN/WIN.

2. There comes a point, though, when the crying has to stop. It feels GOOD to cry. Trust me, I KNOW, I cried in every single acting class in college because I HAD A LOT OF EMOTION TO WORK THROUGH. But I took to heart the advice of my most revered acting professor which she doled out in her very thick Argentinian accent:

“LAURA!!!!!! A leetle more emotion in your acteenk! A LEETLE LESS EMOTION IN YOUR LIFE.”

Yes, friends. Emotion belongs in your acting. Not in your life. GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.

Meryl Streep isn’t weeping in her LIFE. She is weeping for THE CAMERA. WHERE IT COUNTS. GOD.

Thankfully, I seem to always hit a point where this weird internal switch inside me just goes “Okay, that is enough, stop”. And I do. Almost immediately. The other night, I started crying thinking of some specific memory or something and I cried good and hard for about a minute and then that voice was all OKAY COOL IT. WWMSD? (WHAT WOULD MERYL STREEP DO?) I’ll tell you what she’d do. She’d stop crying RIGHT THAT SECOND and get to sleep so she can wake up looking perky, well-rested and beautiful on set the next day. THAT IS WHAT SHE WOULD DO.

So, I wiped my eyes, turned off the light and fell right asleep. THANKS, MERYL.

I’m thinking people run into problems when they CAN’T click the tears or the grief off, ever. When this happens for me, I realize that either hormones are at play or I am depressed. I seek help accordingly.

3. The actor in me loves a good break up. Not because it’s fun to go through but because there are so many tragic musical theatre songs that I can now sing at the top of my lungs, with FEELING. Songs about unrequited love, the ending of a relationship or just tons of people dying in a bloody French revolution on a barricade. I prefer to lock myself in my room and belt out some of my grief. Call me pathetic, go right ahead. BUT THERE IS NOTHING PATHETIC ABOUT JUDY GIVING IT HER ALL. Get it, Judy.

4. Yoga. Meditation. Friends. Eating well. Going outside. Taking walks around the block. Making plans. Seeing plays. Eating a cupcake if you feel like it but only one. Writing in a journal. Writing on a blog. Learning all the choreography to Beyoncé’s “Single Ladies”. What? Shut up.

5. There are many things that suck about breaking up: the loss of your best friend, the loss of any future plans you had together, the loss of hope that you guys were gonna B 2getha 4eva. At the beginning, I have a hard time with the loss of touch. I miss his arm around my shoulder or a kiss on the forehead and the longer I am single, the tougher it is to just be by myself, without any affection. I have spoken about this before but I find it really helpful to go pay someone to touch you.

SHUT UP SICKO, NOT LIKE THAT. WHAT KIND OF BLOG DO YOU THINK THIS IS!?

I like going to get my eyebrows done because not only do I look nice when it’s over but the lovely woman rubs rosewater on my forehead and gives me a little temple massage and cradles my head in her hands and sometimes I feel like crying. A good haircut is nice for this too. Or a massage, if you can afford one. I cannot. So someone please come over and rub my back. KTHX.

6. Start back at #1 again. Keep on going until the laughter outlasts the tears. Until you can make it through the day without shutting yourself in the bathroom stall at work. Until you wake up and realize that you’re alright. And that you’re both going to be okay.