Well, my friends.

After nearly five years of living in the same adorable three bedroom apartment in the heart of Astoria, NYC, the time of change has come.

This weekend marks the beginning. I will open my closet, open up dresser drawers and cabinets and start to sort out what things to take with me and which to leave behind, which things to throw away and which to give to others.

Yes, my friends.

I am moving.

DOWN THE HALL.

…

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. I KNOW. I’M THAT GOOD AT KEEPING Y’ALL ON THE EDGE OF YOUR SEATS.

As much as I’d like to report that PCG put a ring on it and I’m knocked up with his twins and we’re moving out to the suburbs to start a family, the truth is that I got a lot of NYC left in me. And my mom would friggin’ kill me if I moved in with a guy before I was married and I would like to remain in her will, in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, AMEN.

Oh, I kid. My parents don’t have any money to leave in a will.

The fact of the matter is that my room, which is roughly the size of my mom’s well-stocked kitchen pantry, is too darn small for me to live in anymore. I will now confess that for the past five years, I have been sleeping in a twin bed. Yes, you heard me. The only thing separating my room from my old room in the college dorms is that at least the twin bed isn’t lofted above my desk. C U AFTER CLASS! WE CAN STUDY 4 WORLD CIV 2GETHA!!! WOOOO COLLEGE!

Ahem.

More importantly, one of my roommates (not THE Roommate, just the OTHER Roommate Who Is Really Not Around Too Much Because He Keeps Booking Shows/Leaving Town/Working/Etc.) is moving out of the house to another part of NYC. That leaves me and THE Roommate and a vacant room. I have made the groundbreaking decision to move into my Other Roommate’s soon-to-be-vacant room which is at least twice the size of my current bedroom AND includes a half bathroom attached to it AND A WALK IN CLOSET.

YOU GUYS?!!?!? That means a place for all my shoes AND MY VERY OWN TOILET.

I’m a big girl now!

My rent will go up a little bit as we have split the bill according to who has the most space (which was my reasoning for taking the smallest room when I moved in five years ago - HI I AM POOR) but I feel like at almost 27 years old, paying more rent is A-OKAY as long as I can have a room big enough to walk around in. HECK YEAH! In fact, my new room is so big, I’m pretty sure I can not only walk around in it but possibly throw a dance party in it with approximately 5-8 guests. Maybe a few more than that if my sister shows up because she’s super short and doesn’t take up lots of space. (DEB - DANCE PARTY IN MY BEDROOM, YOU BRING THE SHORT PEOPLE, I’LL BRING YOUR FAVORITE ASHLEE SIMPSON SONGS!)

As I was saying, I’m moving to a bigger and better room.

BOO YAH.

As we now need a third roommate in order to pay rent (RENT = I HATE BEING A GROWN UP), the Roommate and I sent out emails and instant messaged people and Facebooked everyone we knew to get the word out. (Well, HE did that stuff as I am not on Facebook because I’m stuck in 2002 when all you did was go on AOL Instant Messenger every day. OMG! COLLEGE REFERENCE #2 IN THIS BLOG POST! SLAM DUNK! C U IN METHOD ACTING101!!!!1!!!)

Uh. Where the heck am I going with this post?

Answer: Nowhere. As always.

THE POINT IS: No one we know knew anyone they knew who wanted to be our roommate in the dead of winter in NYC for less than $700/month.

The End.

So we did the inevitable.

We turned to Craigslist.

Now, I knew we would find some crazies but I also figured we’d find a bunch of normal people too because HEY! I look at Craigslist! *I’m* normal! (HA HA HA SHUT UP.)

Sadly, we didn’t find any truly crazy people which was upsetting to me because I really really wanted to have that experience.

Sadder still, we only found ONE normal person out of the whole bunch and that’s not even a 100% fact as we have not met him yet. It’s just that his e-mail sounds INCREDIBLY normal but that could be because he’s a crazy person who has perfected the art of a normal-sounding e-mail.

What actually happened was that we got a ton of mediocre responses, almost all of them giving us detailed descriptions of what television shows they like to watch.

Now, I get that you’re coming into a three bedroom apartment and you’re assuming there’s one TV and you’re thinking that The Roommate and I super duper care about what we’re watching all the time so you want to make sure you JIVE with us and stuff.

Right?

Except, what?

That’s freaking crazy.

First of all, because The Roommate and I don’t really watch television.

And secondly, because that would NEVER EVER occur to me when responding to a ROOMMATE WANTED ad. I mean, is this high on everyone’s priority list right now!? Who cares if you have a stable job and clean your dishes, what I really want to know is: DO YOU WATCH “LOST”?!?!?!?

What?!?!

Here’s my favorite response. The TV and books section is my favorite but I pretty much gaped in wonder at the ENTIRE THING because the dude is so sincere and yet SO FREAKING LONG-WINDED. ENOUGH ALREADY DUDE.

Punctuation/spelling as is:

Hi. I’m looking for a room/share. Trying to find a room/share by mid Feb or March 1 if possible but I’m in no rush. I look at your ad and Your place sounds great. Is it still available? A little about me. I’m 29 years old Born and raised New York I work a full time job and I am in college But out of class for right now.

Can I just interject and ask wtf is up with the random capitalizations? Okay. Thank you. Continuing:

A little more about me I’m pretty much open mined person and I’m down to earth. I love going out, Traveling seeing to places I ahve not seen yet, going out to the movies, Playing s ports, hanging in bars with friends or playing pool, going to clubs From time to time But not as much as I used to So I’m not much of a club person. I’m too much focus on work and my career So Ir eally party occasionally.

Okay. Wait. Are you a club person or aren’t you? Do you like to go to clubs from time to time or not? You are being QUITE CONTRADICTORY. Not to mention, THIS ISN’T A MATCH.COM AD!!! WHY DO YOU THINK I WANT TO KNOW ABOUT CLUBS YOU MAY OR MAY NOT FREQUENT FROM TIME TO TIME!? Sigh. I wish this person’s response was even longer. Oh wait. It is.

My work schedule is best described as “professional (1 pm-11 pm)”. My professional occupation is [deleted]. I get out pretty late I also a little fitness geek So I am in the gym in the mornings and then off to work so I am gone for most of the day. I’m like straight to bed when I get in. I’m never up late unless I’m doing work or something and I also work the weekends as well I eat almost anything.

I can see how knowing your schedule would be useful to me as a roommate. I mean, I’d like to know if we’re ALL going to be running for the shower at 7:30 AM so I think this paragraph was necessary. However, you lost me at gym in the mornings, fitness geek, eat almost anything, “like straight to bed when I get in”. You know why? Because this is boring day-to-day crap that I don’t care about. TAKE MY ADVICE, potential roommate: GET A BLOG. PUT THIS STUFF ON THERE. EVERYONE WINS!

But I am a bit of a health nut. My level of cleanliness is best described as average. I do pick up after myself But people tell me I’m a neat freak.

Level of cleanliness = average? Or level of cleanliness = neat freak?

WHICH IS IT!? MY GOD, PICK A POINT OF VIEW! I AM GETTING LOST IN YOUR LABYRINTH OF CONTRADICTIONS.

I rarely have overnight guests. I do not have any pets. My favorite books are Uplifting books.

Again, necessary information at the beginning. Overnight guests! Pets! Favorite books…wait. FAIL.

If I am in front of a TV, I usually watch day time crime drama (Like SVU law and order ) or anything comedy I have a good sense of humor and I like to laugh I’m am a happy persn as far as Movies I enjoy the most are anything that action and horror, drama and documentary or comedy. I’m pretty much an upbeat person and away willing to help out when needed.

I just…wow. That is a lot of stuff I need to know. Besides, I think he could use a lesson on the definition of “concise”. As in, this phrase: “Action and horror, drama and documentary or comedy” could just be written as “I LIKE ALL MOVIES”. But then again, I’m wondering about why on earth I need to know this to begin with. We are not dating. We are living down the hall. Maybe it’s similar? MAYBE IT’S NOT?

Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to meeting with you…

Zzzzzzzz…

Snore…

I’m sorry. What? Excuse me, I just fell asleep reading the verbose novella entitled WHY I SHOULD BE YOUR ROOMMATE.

Oh, life. I don’t mean to be snarky. This guy sounds perfectly normal just maybe has issues with e-mail? Or giving out too much information? I almost feel guilty dismissing him because it’s not like he raised any red flags for me like I ALWAYS HAVE GUESTS STAY FOR WEEKS AT A TIME and MY FRIENDS DESCRIBE ME AS SLOTH-LIKE.

Everything he said was perfectly okay.

I just started to wonder WHY he was saying all of that to begin with.

I forwarded it to The Roommate who is ten times snarkier than I am and all I got was a response of, “NO. JUST. NO. UPLIFTING BOOKS???”

So, um. I don’t think it’s going to work out with this guy. However, I do have an interview set up with a less verbal young man on Monday morning. I hope we like him and I hope he likes us. The Roommate Googled him and discovered that he has an Extremely Awesome Occupation. Let’s see if it works out.

In the mean time, I have to do a few things including but not limited to: moving my entire life down the hall to the other side of the apartment, buying a bed that is NOT twin, getting rid of my bed that IS a twin, buying a disco ball for my dance party, replacing all the stuff my Other Roommate is taking with him which SUCKS because he’s taking ALL THE COOL STUFF like the clock in the kitchen that tells me what time it is. OMG HE IS SUCH A JERK.

I will miss that Roommate a lot but right now, all I can think about is that clock.

The upside is that I now get to purchase some items that are MINE for the apartment. It feels good to have more control over the style and decor and to start to collect some things that will belong to me for decades to come. You know, like kitchen clocks I can pass on to my children and to my children’s children. Things they will remember me by.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be over here, drooling at the prospect of being able to line up all my shoes in a closet rather than on a shoe rack thrown over the door.

OH! GETTING OLDER! YOU ARE EVERYTHING I EVER WANTED YOU TO BE!!!!!