“Wonder is the feeling of the philosopher, and philosophy begins in wonder.”
The topic for the third semester at the School of Practical Philosophy is “Love” and even though I took that class almost two years ago, the lessons I learned still come to mind when I need them. The class wasn’t specific to romantic love, not really a twelve week course on HOW 2 CATCH A MAN! but rather a bigger, more universal idea of love. Some of the material was so life-changing that I spent most of my time slack-jawed in my seat like WHA? I NEVER THOUGHT OF LIFE THAT WAY.
One principle that was suggested was that everyone comes from a place of love.
I will just let that sink in for you for a second.
Everyone’s intention for you is love, always.
The first time I heard that, I was like BULLSHIT!!!
Other classmates had the same reaction and protested immediately. WHAT ABOUT MY SUPER CONTROLLING MOM? WHAT ABOUT THAT TAXI DRIVER THAT ALMOST RAN ME OVER? WHAT ABOUT HITLER?
Over several classes, we discussed that even though people start out with a love intention, the result does not always lead to happiness and goodness. (OBVIOUSLY.) This is because intentions can get misconstrued, people can get deluded by wrong ideas, crappy childhoods, evil and selfish theories of how the world is supposed to look, etc. This made a lot of sense to me and I began to realize that even if it was FALSE, that everyone comes from a place of love, how much would it change my point of view if I just ASSUMED that it was true? Even if it wasn’t?
I decided to practice such an idea, as the School suggests. (One of their main Go-To lines of thought is ‘Neither accept nor reject, just try it and see if it works for you.’) So, KA POW! The floodgates opened and over the past few years, the way I view my interactions with people has completely changed.
For example, I have a co-worker who is constantly UP IN MAH GRILL if you know what I mean. Sort of micro-managing, nosy, asking WHAT ARE YOU WORKING ON RIGHT NOW? even though he has NO BUSINESS and NO AUTHORITY to know.
The old me (and I admit, the INITIAL me, before I took a pause to reassess) would’ve been all - WHAT AN ANNOYING PRYING JERKFACE. WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS TRYING TO ASK ME WHAT I’M DOING!? GO AWAY, MEDDLESOME CO-WORKER!
The new me realizes that he is coming from a place of love. And also insecurity. It struck me that he is worried about his job and therefore believes I should be worried about mine and wants to make sure that I have work to get done so that I am not fired. Though his way of showing it is a bit convoluted, it makes my life easier and happier to realize that he means well and that he’s looking out for me.
Anger, annoyance, frustration, cruel snappy GET AWAY FROM MY CUBICLE comments are null and void, making my daily life at work peaceful and a whole lot simpler.
This work is HARD WORK though. And we can all relate to that feeling of being extremely hurt by another person. It’s remarkable to think about the fact that almost always, that person is NOT coming from a bad place but a GOOD place. It’s just that when you throw two separate lives into the mix, emotions, different backgrounds, different buttons that are being pushed, it’s possible to get a whole lot of conflict instead of cupcakes and rainbows.
I have been noting this in the way that PCG and I communicate. We are good communicators but very sensitive, often defensive people. He will throw out a comment that he thinks is fairly safe and I will take it the COMPLETE WRONG WAY and all of a sudden, I’m on the defense, trying to prove all the things that I’m NOT instead of really listening to what he’s trying to tell me. Then he gets hurt, I get hurt again and we’re both SUPER not-nice people and then we’re all, HOW DID WE GET HERE? WHAAAA?
When I brought this up to Alayna, she told me of a “trick” she learned at a very crunchy hippie artsy camp in Oregon where she teaches dance every summer. This camp is nothing short of amazing, teaching children and teenagers how to communicate and how to resolve conflict effectively. (I WISH I WENT TO THIS CAMP.) ANYWAY, they also subscribe to the philosophy that no one is ever really out to hurt you, it’s often just misconstrued and misunderstood. (LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE!)
And so, they have a trick for opening the doors of communication.
Which I will now share with you.
If you are hurt by something, you say OUCH!
If you are the person who said the hurtful thing and you hear OUCH!, you are supposed to ask, “What did you hear me say?”
Here is an example I made up to put it into practice:
Sophya: Hey Rudolpho, do you want to come to the gym with me?
Rudolpho: OUCH!
Sophya: What did you hear me say?
Rudolpho: THAT I AM FAT AND WILL NEVER BE LOVED.
Sophya: OMG Rodolpho! I’m so sorry! I just wanted to know if you wanted to go because I could really use a squash partner and I know how good you are at playing!
Rodolpho: OH! IN THAT CASE, I’D LOVE TO COME!!
Aaaaaaaaaand scene.
It’s a little bit silly to say OUCH! but again, this technique is used on 12 year olds and OUCH! can be easily replaced with TIME OUT or WOAH HOLD UP! or PLAYA, PLEASE! Regardless, this idea of putting the brakes on a hurtful exchange is VERY appealing to me and I can see how it opens up communication and allows for a safe, healthy dialogue between two people. It really allows people to see that other people are coming from a loving place, not a hurtful place. AND THIS FASCINATES ME TO NO END, YOU GUYZ!
I asked PCG if he wanted to try it out and he enthusiastically got onboard.
The problem is that we started throwing it around sarcastically and I’m not sure we’ll ever be able to use it in a serious situation.
(in the car)
PCG: LAURA. THAT WAS A STOP SIGN.
Me: OUCH!
PCG: What did you hear me say?
Me: That I’m a bad driver!
PCG: Well…yeah.
Me: F*CK YOU!
PCG: OUCH!
Me: What did you hear me say?
PCG: “F*CK YOU”??
Me: YEAH. AND?
Love, people. We are all coming from a place of love and good intentions. You want to be heard, you want security, you want to show you care. All of those things are love things, no matter how they get misinterpreted. Just see if you can spot the good through all the yuck. And if your girlfriend is a bad driver, I highly recommend you DO point it out. Not to make her feel bad but just so you can arrive at your destination safely. Do expect her to curse back at you. Not because she’s angry. But because she loves you that much.
While I am typically able to assume “good intentions/motivations” behind people’s actions and words, I am at a loss with a recent situation.
I am turning your blog into my own personal advice column by asking for a different perspective!
At a family function my best friend came with me (BF is like family to myself and my family). In a conversation where BF was discussing living situation difficulty, someone suggested the BF move back in with me.
BF’s immediate response, “I don’t think so, that was a disaster!”. I sat there stunned, my jaw surely was agape.
I WANTED to say, “Yes, you living on my couch for two years, running up my utilities, eating my food and contributing a grand total of zero dollars, me losing my privacy, you getting a dog against my wishes and leaving dog with me for 2 years after you moved, me trying to change my living habits to make you more comfortable - I can see how that would be difficult for you.”
I have been angry, hurt and holding it in for 3 weeks now. I am trying to figure out if this is worth discussing, trying to figure out where BF was coming from, where is the love in saying something like that? I can’t get there!
Anonymous for Obvious - Hmmm! This is an interesting predicament! Have you ever talked to your BF about the resentment you still carry from the time he/she spent living with you? If you have, then I can understand their response since they know you had a hard time with it. If you haven’t, I wonder if your BF was able to pick up on it and was maybe speaking for YOUR sake instead of hers/his. Does that make sense? I mean, it could be true that they had a miserable time living with you but it also could be true that they realize that YOU were miserable and were sort of pasive-aggressively alluding to that.
Either way, that comment is passive-aggressive if you guys never hashed it out in person. I think it’s pretty clear that you are upset/angry/hurt about the comment your friend blurted out. But it’s also clear that you are still hanging onto the resentment/anger/frustrations of what it was like to live with your BF. They put you through a lot and it sounds SUPER stressful. I think you guys DEFINITELY need to talk so you can understand where they were coming from and hopefully YOU can get the chance to talk about how difficult/stressful that living situation was for you and maybe get some closure or an apology from your BF so you guys can move forward together.
Just my two cents! LOOK AT ME, ALL ANN LANDERS AND STUFF.
hhhhhiiiii Laura!!!!! I have a minute and am stopping by. Im taking your advice, you know my recent personal development, well, we are trying to move through it…..Im taking your advice, keep you posted…. I love you!