I was greeted at JFK Airport at 6:25 this morning by a security line about a mile long. I expected as much since this is a busy travel day but I was still a bit surprised considering the early hour. As stressful as the situation was, as crazed as my environment became, I maintained a zen-like quality that lasted me all the way to Los Angeles. I have no idea if it was my recent weekend away, my excitement at going on the trip or the fact that people are so freaking crazy, I usually just stare and laugh anyway.

Some things still got to me a little bit but not to the extent they normally would have. There was a woman I called The Warden who was in charge of…I am not really sure. As far as I could tell, she was in charge of sitting on a chair, picking her nails, occasionally sipping a Dunkin’ Donuts iced coffee and barking at people in the security line for no reason. It was like she was playing some sick kind of game. Every so often, she’d point to someone and tell them to go check their bag, it was too big for a carry-on. They then had to go to the ticket counter, pay a fee to have their bag checked and get back in the security line which wrapped around JFK at least three times.

In most cases, she was completely making up her own rules as most of the people she picked had carry-ons similar in size to those around them. I was completely intimidated by The Warden and spent my time in line avoiding eye contact and willing my carry-on to look as small as possible. I succeeded in getting past her but I’m pretty sure it was only because right as I passed by her station, an Orthodox Jew and his family of five tried to cut the line without her knowing. And oh, SHE KNEW. I cringed for them.

On the plane, I was surrounded by an entire team of high school field hockey girls who spent most of the trip scribbling rainbows in their journal and watching the Jonas Brothers on the miniature televisions. They wore Uggs and sweatpants and reminded me of how uncool I was in high school. Why, I wondered, why didn’t I listen to my mother and wear a little make up? Would it have hurt? Would it?! NO. OY. Also? Wish I had the coordination to hit a field hockey ball. SIGH.

Mad props go out to the woman sitting back by the bathroom who wore her swine flu mask for nearly the entire trip, even when taking up the entire row, lounging on three empty seats deep in sleep. I wanted to judge her but I couldn’t because I recently read an article about how traveling on a plane makes you more prone to getting sick because the air is so dry and germs work their way up your nose easier. The article suggested rinsing your nose periodically with saline solution to keep it moisturized. But I don’t carry that around with me. So instead, every so often, I took my chapstick and lined my nostrils with it. If you ever thought I was sexy, surprise! You were wrong.

Speaking of which, I only had to use the bathroom one time during the entire trip to LA which for me, is a HUGE FEAT. I hate airplane bathrooms and often wonder why every time I walk into one, the entire thing reeks of urine as if people disregard the toilet completely and just let loose over the walls and floor. ANYWAY, I finally sucked it up about half way through the flight and got to the bathroom, which was located between two sections of the plane AKA Not In The Way Back, In The Middle Instead.

I held my nose for most of my time in the restroom and then exited, not realizing until I was about halfway back to my seat that my tunic was tucked into the back of my black leggings and that I had given the entire back of the plane a WONDERFUL show, not of my bare ass exactly but of a black legging-ed ass which is pretty much the same thing. I slipped into my seat and ducked down, refusing to look back for the rest of the trip. I’m pretty sure I scarred some small children. I AM SORRY.

The rest of the flight passed by uneventfully as I read an entire magazine, slept for two hours, watched one episode each of 30 Rock and the Office and then viewed 500 Days of Summer which, WOW! GREATEST MOVIE EVER. When I touched down in Los Angeles, it was 11 AM, 71 degrees and a crazy redhead picked me up in his crazy car and we went to the 99 cent store where we saw these on the shelf. For 99 cents. Who WOULDN’T want one!? I ask you!

So, um. That’s all I got so far. I made it here safely. The weather is warm and sunny. We’ve been shopping and eating and now we’re cooking and baking, getting ready for our almost 100% vegetarian Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. It’ll be small, just Tom and his roommate David but I think it will be downright lovely and I won’t have any judgmental relatives staring and pointing at my Tofurky screaming BUT HOW DO YA GET YOUR PROTEEEEIN?!

I do, however, miss my family. And how wonderful it feels to be around the table with that high level of total insanity. I’m lucky enough that Tom provides almost 100% of that ridiculousness on his own. And so do I, I think. Or we do together. I’m not sure. All I know is, tomorrow, I will be sure to make sure my shirt is NOT tucked into the back of my pants in public. YOU ARE WELCOME.