You guys, I am not doing so hot with my New Year’s resolutions. I started off so strong! As everyone does! In January, we’re all FRESH START! NEW YEAR! WOOOOO!! And suddenly the gym is crowded and we eschew desserts at the office and I get super pissed off because now the treadmills are all occupied and I can’t find any doughnuts and UGH!!!

But it’s a clean slate! So, I totally get that! And I love clean slates! I SUPPORT YOUR CLEAN SLATE.

It’s just…so hard to SUSTAIN. And I try not to make a gazillion resolutions for this very reason. So I chose some decent ones that were undoubtedly achievable

1. Stop drinking bottled water
2. Stop cursing
3. Stop popping my pimples

And I forget the rest.

YOU GUYS! THESE THREE ARE IMPOSSIBLE TO UPHOLD!

No, they’re not.

Especially the bottled water.

Easy peasy.

James bought me a SIGG for Christmas last year, I figured I was good to go, I was happy happy happy for the first six months of 2009. And then you know what happened? I unscrewed my SIGG on the subway platform waiting for a train to arrive so I could have a delicious sip of fresh water when OH THIS CANNOT BE HAPPENING, the top slid from my fingers, bounced on the platform and disappeared beneath the subway tracks. (Always to me. This stuff ALWAYS happens to me.)

And people? I love green living. I support the green movement completely. Global warming, I get it. Al Gore? Love you so hard. But honestly? No damn eco-friendly sustainable living philosophy is gonna get me to hop down on the NYC subway tracks and save my SIGG cap. OH NO. That privilege is reserved for babies in peril who fly out of their mothers hands in front of an oncoming train. And MAYBE a dog. But probably only puppies. Puppies and babies. I will save you. SIGG cap? Farewell, little buddy, nice knowin’ ya.

Back to the story.

All I had to do was buy a replacement screw cap from the SIGG website. But shortly after my cap committed suicide, SIGG came out and was all, WE LIED TO YOU! OUR WATER CONTAINERS ARE FULL OF BPA, WHATEVER THE HELL THAT IS, YOU PROBS HAVE CANCER, SORRY! And I was all, HM. I am not entirely sure I *WANT* a replacement SIGG cap.

So I didn’t order one.

And I kept telling myself I’d get something else.

Something BPA-free.

Something that wouldn’t cause me to grow a third leg.

But then, something bright and shiny distracted me. (AS USUAL.)

And before you know it, I was buying bottled water a few times a week and I upped my carbon emissions and I threw plastic into the recycling bin which probably means it’s just going into a landfill and therefore, I think I extended my time in purgatory by at least two years if not three. And also singlehandedly killed two dozen acres of Brazilian rainforest.

I have attempted to reuse my water bottles, specifically with my hot yoga practice which requires that I down at least ten gallons of H20 a day otherwise I go stark raving mad and start beating up homeless people for no good reason. But…I’m not entirely sure you SHOULD be reusing water bottles. I mean, even if I rinse them out and clean them, aren’t they full of CHEMICALS? Especially in a 105 degree yoga studio? OH GOD YOU GUYS! LIFE WASN’T MEANT TO BE THIS HARD!

I am currently evaluating buying an alternative to a SIGG. I know they said the new ones are okay and won’t cause my body to go into septic shock, BUT I CAN’T TRUST THEM ANYMORE. So, I am open to suggestions. Right now, I am leaning towards a super awesome BPA-free water thermos thing from L.L. Bean because apparently, I cannot get MORE like my father, so now I’m ordering sh*t from L.L. FREAKING BEAN!!!!!! I think along with my water thermos purchase, I will add on a few comfortable flannel button down shirts and just keep telling everyone how they’ll keep me warm when I’m out shoveling snow off the driveway. YA KNOW, DAT SNOW WON’T SHOVEL ITSELF! HA HA.

If you think I’m kidding about crazy people buying stuff from L.L. Bean, I was browsing their website and found this lovely water bottle and on that particular page, there is a review of this item by a woman who is “55-65 years old” and who wrote that the canteen in question is a “great size, fits into my neck harness”.

I’m sorry.

Your neck harness?

What the?

I think before I purchase a water bottle from L.L. Bean, I’m gonna need my AARP Card and a plow to hook my neck harness up to.

Um.

Where was I before I started making fun of my dad and neck harnesses?

New Year’s resolutions! HOLLER!

Giving up plastic water bottles = FAIL.

Cursing = HA HA JUST READ THIS BLOG AND YOU WILL SEE THAT THIS IS ALSO ONE BIG EPIC FAIL.

Which, I might add, displeases my mother on a daily basis. She actually got a priest to send me an e-mail about it though I think I’m gonna save that for another post because it is THAT GOOD. I do recall my mother telling me as a child that if I used bad language, the Holy Spirit wouldn’t want to live inside me anymore and if I kept it up, it would eventually go away. Only now is that striking me as super creepy. As a kid, that theory made 100% perfect sense.

Huh.

Anyhow, it didn’t seem to work. I’m trying, I’m really trying but DAMN, that F word is tempting me all the time.

As far as popping pimples go, I have gotten WAY BETTER! Especially because I revamped my skincare routine and haven’t had the need to scar my skin lately. Which should make me feel better but really just makes me feel sad. I love popping pimples. Come here, there’s a good one on your chin! WAIT! WHERE ARE YOU GOING!?

I was kidding!

(I wasn’t!)

I have over a month to get these resolutions in order. HOLY SPIRIT PLEASE COME BACK TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PREFERABLY WITH A BPA-FREE NON-PLASTIC WATER CONTAINER!!!!!!