If you start a new job, I highly recommend getting things right.

You know?

Like, be attentive.

Ask questions.

Show up on time.

Display a warm and pleasant demeanor.

Be sure to send e-mails to the right people.

THAT LAST POINT MAY SEEM OBVIOUS.

But I assure you, it is not.

DO NOT, NO MATTER WHAT, accidentally send out an e-mail to the WRONG people.

You know.

Like, Very Important People at the Head of your Huge Important Company who have NO IDEA who you are and WHY you just sent them an e-mail asking them for spreadsheet information and WHY ON GOD’S GREEN EARTH you just marked it HIGH PRIORITY.

Uh, because then?

Your boss might be all, UHHHHHHHHH LAURA? PLEASE RECALL THAT E-MAIL *NOW*!

But since you sent it high priority, everyone already read it, so a recall is pointless.

So then you can feel your heart stop beating and you are beyond mortified and OH EM GEE you just sent the most banal e-mail of all time to THE PERSON WHO FOUNDED YOUR COMPANY BUT HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT!??!!?

And you cc’d both of your bosses. OF COURSE.

So, there’s an awesome record of what you just did, for all time, stored in the electronic universe forever.

And so, you are quite certain that termination is imminent and OH LORD IN HEAVEN why does a new job feel like the first day of high school? And why are you never the popular girl but ALWAYS ALWAYS the perpetually awkward one?

You might wonder if you will will ever grow out of this.

If you will ever do something RIGHT.

I’m going to go with “no”.

Because surely if you were going to get more 1) coordinated 2) intelligent 3) aware

it would’ve happened by now.

Fortunately, I have no experience with this sort of thing and continue to be a sophisticated, attentive and valuable employee who never messes up ever.

I’m just looking out for *you*.