Well! I think my recent post about feeling your feelings and letting go of negativity was TIMELY! Wouldn’t you say? Considering the extravaganza that is Laura Lost Her Job 2009? Talk about WHIRLWIND OF EMOTIONS!

(Speaking of whirlwind, does anyone remember when you’d get a bunch of people in someone’s above-ground pool and go around and around creating a whirlpool? Then you’d try to all turn around and go AGAINST the current and it was just the funnest thing in the history of fun? Who has a pool? Who wants to join me? HOW CAN I MAKE THIS HAPPEN?)

So! I lost my job! And before I get into how I still might be crying about it, let’s talk about the good news!

I took my own advice and decided to 1) Fully Feel My Feelings and also B) Make A Plan. Plans and To Do Lists always make me feel proactive and they prevent me from sitting in self-pity too long. Whenever I’m feeling rejected or like I’m not making progress in the acting arena, I make a PLAN. I sign up for a new class, a casting workshop, a voice lesson, I write down some ideas for a new cabaret, etc. I find that Making a Plan is an INSTANT mood lifter and gets me focusing on the present instead of the past. VOILA!

Along these lines, the day I received the Awful News of No More Employment, I revamped my résumé and submitted it to a few job postings. I then e-mailed the twins’ mom and was all HEY GIRL HEYYYYYYYYYY, do you have any extra hours with the boys in August? ‘cuz I got no job and stuff.

And she was all, “I just fired my full time nanny! How many hours do you want?”

And here you have a perfect example of How Things Tend To Work Out Perfectly In The End, Why Even Bother Stressing, Stressing is Retarded (c)

It’s obviously temporary as the boys are going to full-time kindergarten in the fall. However, transitioning right into a full time job after this one is over (NEXT WEEK. GAH.) is an enormous relief. Not to mention, it doesn’t come with the stress of something BRAND NEW. It’s just easing back into a routine that I know—twin almost five year olds who are TOTALLY RIDICULOUSLY INSANE.

But that I can handle. That I know. Their mother is being extremely generous by allowing me to create a schedule that works for me. I’ve decided that I don’t want to jump into a six day a week twin schedule (as I would still be there on Saturdays) so I’m going to give myself Tuesdays off as well as Sundays and go in later on Fridays so I can have a morning to write. LOOK AT ME ALL CREATIVE AND SHIT.

SO! That is the good news. A temporary job, a little bit of a cushion so I don’t have to freak out and start interviewing in AUGUST when no one is around anyway. (Which reminds me that the twins will be away towards the end of the summer so I might take myself on a vacation too! Where should I go? Anyone have ideas? I’m semi-broke, LET’S PRETEND I’M NOT.)

Onto the crappier parts of my life, namely: losing my job. I feel like I can come right out and give you specifics since A) most of you know where I work anyway and 2) it’s not like I can lose my job because of my blog at this point! HA HA HA I AM HILARIOUS.

So, I work/worked for Citigroup AKA A Great Idea Until We Hit A Recession And, Uh, Lost Lots Of Our Money, ahem. I worked on the Smith Barney side of Citi so naturally, when that was recently sold, I moved along with it to the wonderfully named Morgan Stanley Smith Barney. There were a few weeks there when I thought all was glorious and rosy! My team was getting more work, we seemed untouched by lay offs, etc.

Until last week of course, when my boss called me into her office and we had the following exchange, set to the tune of “Bohemian Rhapsody”.

I see a little silhouette of a girl
LAURA D! LAURA D!, WILL YOU LOSE YOUR JOB AT CITI?
Thunderbolt and lightning, very, very frightening me
(Unemployed?!) UNEMPLOYED! (Unemployed!?!?) UNEMPLOYED, UNEMPLOYED, FIGARO!
Magnifico!

I’m just a temp girl, nobody loves me!
She’s just a temp girl, from a Polish family!
Spare her her life from this bank called Citi!

Easy come, easy go, are you gonna let me go!?
Bismillah! No, we don’t want to let you go!
(LET ME GO?) Bismillah! WE HAVE TO LET YOU GO!
(LET ME GO!!?) Bismillah! WE HAVE TO LET YOU GO!
LET ME GO!?!??!!?) WE HAVE TO LET YOU GO!
(LET ME GO!!?!?) WE HAVE TO LET YOU GO! LET ME GO!?????1!!111!!????
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh Mama Rita! Mama Rita! Mama Rita, they let me go!
Vikram Pandit has a devil put aside for me, for me, for meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

(This is the part where I jump on the desk and give everyone the finger)

So you think you can fire me and spit in my eye?!
So you think you can give me two weeks and leave me to die!?
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, Citi, can’t do this to me, Citi
Just gotta get out, just gotta get right outta here

(This is the finale where I walk sullenly back to my cubicle and slump down in my desk)

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo yeah ooooooooooooooooooo

Nothing really matters, all co-workers can see
Nothing really matters
Nothing really matters to me

AND SCENE.

Honestly, dudes, getting laid off sucks. I got some AMAZING e-mails from various people in my life all telling me the same thing: Yes, we know it always works out, yes we are excited to see where you are headed but right now? Grieve the loss. Let yourself be confused and scared and sad. FEEL THE REJECTION. FEEL THE SADNESS. OWN THE TERROR. WAHHHHHHHHH.

It’s true, though. Right before Christmas, Citi mandated a 15% salary decrease for all temporary employees AKA me. And nearly every single person I talked to said, “AT LEAST YOU DIDN’T LOSE YOUR JOB.”

Well. Uh. Sort of? I mean. Yeah? But I was still angry and frustrated over a pay cut right before the holidays. And everyone was telling me to suck it up and get over it. It wasn’t particularly helpful. It was like I wasn’t allowed to be pissed off, like I should be damn grateful because it could be worse.

Well. Yeah. It could always be worse. But what about how I’m feeling right NOW?

Yes, I’m lucky to have lasted at Citi this long. No, I don’t have kids or a mortgage. YES, IT COULD BE SO MUCH WORSE!

But dear Lord, people. Let me be a little sniffly over the fact that I have to say goodbye to people and to a schedule that I am extremely happy and comfortable with. I have some amazing friends in my life who were all GRIEVE YOUR LOSS, BABY. And that’s what I’m doing. I made a commitment to myself to take care of Me this week, to really do things I wanted to do, to cry when I felt like it and to laugh as much as possible too.

I went to Bikram Yoga last night and sweat out about 10,000 pounds of tension and anxiety. I went home, took a cool shower, made a delicious dinner, crawled into bed with Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (I’m re-reading them as a treat to myself, OH MY WHAT A TREAT!) and dozed off around 10 pm, waking this morning to the sound of rain pouring down outside my window. I got up, got ready for work, meditated for fifteen minutes and scribbled down three things I was grateful for in my Gratitude Journal.

I planned a lot of fun activities for this week, including a night of STORIES THAT CAN CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at the Philosophy School this evening as well as two improv comedy shows so I can laugh my ass off accordingly. Change is good, change will bring about some amazing things in my life, more time with the twins, a possible vacation, an easy month of August. But I think it’s still okay that I want to cry sometimes and that I’ll miss my job sometimes and that occasionally, I want to throw myself on the floor kicking and screaming in a tantrum of IT’S NOT FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIR.

It isn’t fair.

It isn’t comfortable.

It isn’t easy.

But these are the moments where growth occurs. And so I am hesitantly stretching outside of my comfort zone, ready to take the plunge into a brand new body of water, waiting to see what lies beneath the surface.

I really do think it’s gonna kick all kinds of ass.