Where I Get All Profound and Stuff
Somewhere amidst the Coming and Going and Being and Doing, there is personal growth occurring. I am not acutely aware of the specifics as my psychological self stretches and develops and acquires new skills. I obviously know when I’m faced with something Difficult or Painful or New and how uncomfortable that makes me feel. But I rarely ever take the time to look and see that the way I deal with things at 26 is vastly different from how I dealt with things at 18, 20 and even 24.
I am seldom ever amazed with myself. More often than not, I’m putting myself down for Not Getting Things Right or Not Being Good Enough or Sucking At Life. But really, when I take stock of the skills that I’ve acquired over the past few years, I am a bit astounded at my progress. And maybe where I’m at right now is NOTHING compared to where other, more evolved people are. But if I compare myself to myself? Progress! Improvement! General Awesomeness! LET’S HAVE A PERSONAL GROWTH PARTY, SHALL WE? I’ll bring the sparklers!
Here are some things that help me on a daily basis to stay grounded, centered and act Not As Crazy As I Used To Be. I do not always remember to whip out these tools but when I do, they are incredibly useful. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, WISDOM I HAVE STOLEN FROM PEOPLE OTHER THAN MYSELF ™. You’re welcome.
1. Not Judging My Feelings
People! I am a feely kind of person. My family can regale you with many HIGH-LARIOUS stories from my youth, mostly involving Times I Cried Over Something Stupid. My mother’s favorite includes the time she went to a parent-teacher conference with my third grade teacher, Mrs. Cepelak. My mother sat down and Mrs. Cepelak mentioned in a somewhat concerned voice that I was a somewhat…sensitive child.
My Mother: Oh, trust me. We know.
Mrs. Cepelak: In fact, Laura burst into tears this past week during a lesson. The subject matter was very upsetting to her.
My Mother: Really! She didn’t mention it! What was the lesson about?!
Mrs. Cepelak: Dinosaurs.
My Mother: Dino…what? Why was Laura crying?
Mrs. Cepelak: She was fine until we started talking about the fact that they were extinct.
My Mother: …
Mrs. Cepelak: She was extremely upset that they all died off.
My Mother: WHERE DID THAT CHILD COME FROM!????????????? OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AND SCENE!
So, there you go! I have always had a lot of emotions! Intense emotions! And for the longest time, I felt kind of like a freak about this? And I think that as I grew up, it wasn’t enough that I would feel upset or jealous or insecure and so I would JUDGE the feeling which obviously, exacerbates a lot of negativity and makes everything worse.
Instead of dealing with the ugliness of “I am jealous of that person’s success”, I would not only feel jealous but also like a total asshole for being jealous. “Why can’t I just be happy for them? What kind of terrible person gets envious? I AM WORTHLESS.” News to Laura: everyone gets jealous sometimes! It is a valid emotion. An uncomfortable one, but a valid one. (DID YOU ALL KNOW THIS? BECAUSE I DID NOT. THANKS FOR TELLING ME.)
And so I’ve been working hard to let myself feel things without the judgment that comes with it. I can just Be Sad. Or Be Bitter. Or Be Anxious. Without feeling like a tool for feeling that way. Obviously, if it’s negative, I try to sit with it awhile and let it go. But I no longer fight it and judge it AS MUCH. I find it helpful to look at WHERE the negativity might be coming from and believe that being curious about the feelings is ridiculously helpful. Judging the feelings? NOT HELPFUL. AT ALL. KTHXBYE.
2. Accepting Responsibility for My Behavior/Owning My Feelings and Not Everyone Else’s
WOAH! This one is intense. I believe a lot of my struggle with this stems from the fact that I am both Extremely Empathetic (see also: Crying Over Extinction of Dinosaurs) and also a People Pleaser. From a young age, I have been a girl HELL BENT on gaining others’ approval and also feeling deep shame when I fail to come through for other people, when I embarrass myself, when I am Not Perfect. (HA HA ALL THE TIME.)
One of the biggest revelations I had in therapy was that I was attempting to Own Other People’s Feelings a lot of the time. I realize that some of this is natural—if you get into a conflict with someone, you might feel bad about things you said to them, might feel guilty about having a certain reaction, etc. However, I was taking this to EXTREME levels to the point where if you tripped and fell down in California and I was living in New York City, I would profusely apologize and find 10,000 reasons why it was My Fault.
ARE YOU THERE GOD? IT’S ME, LAURA, THE UNSTABLE ONE.
I was also able to switch this occasionally (when it suited me! of course!) to make it ALL YOU. As in, YOU are the one with the problem, *I* am the most perfect person in the universe. I realize now that a mature person takes responsibility for THEIR part in a situation and lets other people take responsibility for theirs.
I had a falling out with an old friend of mine, who also happened to be an ex-boyfriend awhile back. Communication ended abruptly with a very awkward e-mail where I was basically told to leave him the hell alone forever and ever amen, thank you have a good day.
Initial Reaction: He is the most awful person I’ve ever met, how could anyone be so cruel and reduce me to an e-mail, HATE HATE HATE.
Secondary Reaction: I am the most awful person anyone’s ever met, I must’ve done something completely out of line to deserve such an e-mail, HATE HATE HATE.
Now, the truth lay somewhere between these two. It was only after months of sifting through my feelings WITHOUT emotion and ego and I AM RIGHT I AM RIGHT or I AM WORTHLESS I AM WORTHLESS that I was able to sort it out. I recognized and accepted that I had a LOT to do with our falling out and that while my behavior didn’t necessarily warrant PEACE OUT in e-mail form, people do what they gotta do to protect their hearts. I thought about what I could’ve done to handle it better and also what he could’ve done to handle it better.
And then? I let it go.
I could still occasionally feel my ego rearing its ugly head when the situation came up in my mind, particularly one evening when I ran into him at a birthday party (with his girlfriend!). I thought of all the things I could say, all the snippy retorts I could…retort. And then I got very still. And I realized that it didn’t matter. And he came over to say hello and how are you?
How nice was THAT?
I wish I could say that I magically wished him well and then we hugged and parted the best of friends. The truth was that I muttered something like HI I AM AWKWARD AND UNCOMFORTABLE and left the party with my two best friends and talked through a lot of the negative feelings that were still coming up at a bar down the street. HOWEVER, the magic happened a few days later when I was walking toward the subway on my way to work.
Out of nowhere, I was slammed with the most outrageous feeling and that was: Gratitude.
Seriously struck by a huge lightning bolt of gratitude. For our relationship, for our friendship, for all that he taught me about Love and Life and Music and Laughter and UNICORNS AND GLITTER. No, but for real. I felt like jumping up and down. I was like, YES! OKAY! We don’t speak anymore and we both fucked up a lot but I am the LUCKIEST GIRL IN THE WORLD to have been loved by a man like that. And HE SEEMS SO HAPPY NOW with his life, which he wasn’t before. AND ISN’T EVERYTHING ROSES???????
And it was.
Until I tripped and fell and skinned my knee. But hey! Progresssssssss!
3. The Button Philosophy
While at Philosophy class this past winter, my classmate raised his hand and shared something so profound that I very nearly 1) fell out of my chair and smacked my head onto the carpet and B) grabbed my classmate and kissed him on the mouth, with tongue.
He shared that one of his mentors once told him:
Just remember: when someone pushes your button, it’s *your* button.
WHAT.
JUST.
WHAT.
Are you all gaping at your computer screen? Are you all flummoxed and flabbergasted? Or did you all, like, know that already/learned it in the 3rd grade when I was crying about dinosaurs/etc.?
Okay, whatever.
I think this phrase takes Point #1 about feeling your feelings and Point #2 about owning your feelings and wraps them up into a very tidy Package of Awesome. In essence, GET SELF-AWARE. OR DIE.
No, but, come on. I think it’s valuable to be aware of our sensitivities, to recognize OUR buttons and where they come from and why we have them. I mean, surely we’re aware when someone pushes something specific within us. You get that pit in your stomach and the anger starts to rise up and it’s all OH HELL NO YOU DID NOT DO THAT.
A friend of mine has a button about Being Late. To him, if you are late, you are disrespectful, rude and inconsiderate. Many people share this philosophy and I understand it to a point. Punctuality! We should all strive for it! However, I think at its root, a freak out about someone being late is nothing more than a very severe attachment to control. You are attempting to control other people. Which, uh, you cannot do.
Instead of freaking out and demanding that your friends treat you with FREAKING RESPECT, man! I think the healthier alternative is just to realize “Oh. That person being late pushes my button of Needing To Control Stuff. I am going to choose not to be upset and wait patiently for them to arrive.” It’s not to say that the person who is late all the time shouldn’t also work on themselves and be aware of the button they are pushing. That’s true. But I think BOTH parties can be active in what they do and how they react.
My mother is notoriously late to EVERYTHING. Church, lunch dates, doctor’s appointments, Christmas dinner, you name it, Rita is late to it. And I get the rage that she inspires. As her daughter, I have had many moments of OH MY GOD SHE IS RUINING MY LIFE, WHY CAN’T SHE SHOW UP ANYWHERE ON TIME?
The difference is that now, pretty much the entire family owns and accepts that being late is on Rita and not on us. We assign her a dessert to bring (because if we ask her to bring an appetizer, the party won’t get started for hours until she shows up) and then when she finally walks in the door we all laugh because HA HA Rita is late to everything! COME ON IN! PARTY ON!
The alternative is to get all worked up because she hasn’t arrived yet and OH DO WE HATE HER FOR THAT and then Rita might get upset and feel bad and then get defensive and then the party implodes with everyone screaming and feelings getting hurt and maybe someone throws punch in my mom’s face.
I mean, don’t get me wrong, that would be quite a story for my grandkids. But…it’s not really peaceful or zen-like. Am I right? I just think it’s so much more useful to be able to look at a situation and see “Ohhhh I know why this is upsetting me! And it has nothing to do with my annoying co-worker. It has to do with ME!”
I’m sure there’s a way to take this too far. Say, if your husband was cheating on you and you didn’t think you could get upset about it because I JUST THINK ADULTERY IS ONE OF MY BUTTONS. YEAH, DEFINITELY MY ISSUE, NOT HIS. I SHOULD WORK HARDER ON NOT BEING SO JUDGMENTAL.
Uh. No. I don’t think being aware of your buttons means that you are never allowed to get upset. Or that you are never allowed to call people out when you feel hurt and disrespected by them. But I do think it is a very empowering way of looking at the world since you can immediately stand up and take responsibility for things that bother you. And then effectively communicate them or work on letting them NOT bother you. (FEEL YOUR FEELINGS! LET THEM GO!)
At least, this is what I am trying to do at the current moment when negative feelings arise and I want to take my steak knife out and cut someone. And then I realize, WAIT! It’s not THEM! It’s ME! And I put the steak knife back in its sheath. For next time.
Thank you so much for tuning into Laura’s Words of Wisdom. I have no idea if any of this made sense to ANYONE at all. But I just wanted to scrawl out some praise for myself, some confidence that I *AM* growing and I *AM* making progress and here are some things that have been helping to guide me down the path of spiritual enlightenment AKA How To Not Want to Stab Peeps On A Regular Basis.
Far too often, I think I am too quick to point out all the ways that I suck. So, here I am, on the record saying that I DO NOT SUCK ALL THE TIME. Just sometimes. And that if you show up late to dinner with me, I totally don’t care. Because it’s not really one of my buttons at all.
Talking to me like I’m a blonde idiot actress? NOW THAT’S ANOTHER STORY.
You know, it IS sad that all the dinosaurs are dead. All that life wiped out. Perhaps you were simply more aware of the enormity of such an event - a mass extinction - than anyone else in the room. It may also have been the first time you became aware of the concept of GONE FOREVER, which can be an unnerving thing for anyone.
I loved loved loved dinosaurs as a kid. Triceratops, brontosaurus (which they say doesn’t exist anymore because they had the wrong skull on it - HELLO, put the right skull on it and keep the name, GRRR!), tyrannosaurus rex, duckbill dinosaur, pteranodon, struthiomimus, dimetrodon (technically not a dinosaur for some stupid reason), stegosaurus, and, of course, my favorite, ankylosaurus, because… uh… he looks like a giant turtle. Don’t hit me.
Anyway, chronicling one’s journey in wisdom and enlightenment always makes for fascinating reading. I had not heard the button philosophy before, but I’m aware of it. We guarded our buttons with paranoid tenacity in the submarine force, because, what with the tedium of lengthy deployments in a steel tube, a favorite pastime became discovering a shipmate’s button and pressing it repeatedly until he cracked. I must admit, it was a lot of fun.
So. Many. LOLZ.
I loved this. Obvi.
Tim - Can’t stop laughing over your very proficient knowledge of dinosaurs. IS THAT WHAT HAPPENED TO THE BRONTASAURUS? The twins don’t have it in ANY of their books. I mean, they do. But it’s called a brachiosaurus or something and they CORRECT ME because I say it wrong. SIGH.
Riv loves the anklyosaurus, by the way.
Laurie - Thank you, Laurie. I think I took every e-mail I ever sent you and combined it into a blog post.
Brachiosaurus is a different dinosaur. One of the largest of them all. Scientists used to think its nostrils were located on top of its head, which led to the amazingly cool theory that it lived its life almost completely submerged in water in order to support its weight, like the hungry, hungry hippos of today. Now, however, they think it lived in prairie environments. This has knocked it down considerably in my list of favorites. I wanted it to be a GIANT SNORKELER.
The reason brontosaurus is not in the twins’ books (AH, THE TRAVESTY) is because it’s now called an apatosaurus. The apatosaurus was discovered first, but is now known to be a juvenile version of brontosaurus. Since it was named first, that’s the name they have decided to stick with. The famous brontosaurus skeleton also had the wrong skull on it, which erroneously differentiated it from apatosaurus.
The name brontosaurus got stuck in popular culture to such an extent that a bunch of really lame nerds, who happened to have PhDs, had a collective hissy fit when the United States Postal Service issued four dinosaur stamps including brontosaurus. That was the last straw for these nerds. The twins’ dinosaur books were issued in the aftermath of this nerdtastic hissy fit.
Our generation, and our parent’s generation, and our parent’s parent’s generation, all grew up with the name brontosaurus, the coolest dinosaur name of them all. Why is it the coolest? Because it means THUNDER LIZARD. You cannot get any cooler than that, as I’m sure anyone will agree.
What does apatosaurus mean? It means deceptive lizard. Perhaps if it was named for chameleon-like color changing abilities, that would be a cool name. Or if it was named for its ability to transform into a fighter jet and battle Autobots. But it wasn’t named for either of those things. So it sucks.
My family loves to laugh about stories of my “oversensitivity” too. Don’t worry, they’re all just jealous because they don’t have ultra-finely tuned feelings like we slightly more, um, high strung, people do.
That self-improvement/knowledge thing? It totally rocks once you hit your 30’s. At least for me, I feel way more comfortable with who I am now. If other people don’t like it? Meh, their problem not mine.
Also, I am completely in love with the phrase, “nerdtastic hissy fit.”
Maybe I should introduce myself instead of leaving stalky comments.
I’m Jess. My friend Lisa sent me a link to your blog because she thought I’d like it. I do. Hi.
Laura: I loved this conversation when we had it in person at Utsav. I tried to explain the button theory to Brett, and was not nearly as eloquent as you. I am therefore sending him this link. Also, I need your input as to how to NOT be judgmental about “HE LOOKS LIKE WOODY ALLEN.” Please send help. I am still laughing.
Tim: Forget what I just said about “Brett.” Who is that guy, anyway? I am totally not getting married in two months and wanted to be a paleontologist when I was in Kindergarten. Date night at the Museum of Natural History sometime?
I also wanted to be a paleontologist when I was in Kindergarten, but I suppose that’s now obvious. I’m also always up for a trip to the Museum of Natural History! Hit up Laura for my contact info!
did i just get de-lurked by jess? yes, i did. found you through crunchy chicken and read a ton of your archives one weekend when i was sick. if you’re the sitemeter-following type, you have likely already noticed my stalking ways.
to add one more thought to the celebration of being an over-sensitive type (as one of those people who cry at greeting card commercials), don’t forget the flip side of it. where would the world be without our immense capacity for empathy, our passion for social justice, and our thoughtfulness and grief about everything from dinosaurs to factory-farmed chickens? i love and laugh as hard as i cry, so there.
What is happening, you guys?! Jess outed Lisa! Ash is dumping her fiancé to be a paleontologist with Tim! THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A BRONTOSAURUS.
WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
I freaking love you guys.
And HI! to Jess and HEY! to Lisa, AMEN to your comment re: empathetic people. WE MAKE THE WORLD GO ROUND. WITH OUR TEARS. AND STUFF.
I am overly empathetic and was always crying over something or other as a child. I think I heard the words “turn off the water works” pretty much daily from kindergarten on.
Now, both my kids are uber-sensitive, too. Henry more so. But Emma can’t listen to slow songs or she gets really sad and we have to turn off the music or change songs. I was the same way at her age, too.
Must be some genetic defect, right up there with large calves.
BTW, the changing of brontosaurus to apatasaurus drives me nuts.
OMG, there is a Crunchy Chicken blog. I’m so all over that. Damn you Lisa, stop giving me new ways to waste time!!!!
Also? You dinosaur story reminds me of watching The Ten Commandments and getting al weepy and righteously indignant about the Egyptians’ horses drowning in the Red Sea. “But MoooOOmmm, it wasn’t *hic* the hor-*hic*-ses’ fault the Egyptians were mean!! *Sniffle*…”
I frequent a music message board. Someone made a post today that inspired me to look up a clip on youtube. The song is haunting enough on its own even before taking into consideration the pain that the singer is in and his fast approaching, bone-chilling fate. Put it all together and I was in tears before it was half over.
There’s a moment towards the end where the singer suddenly gets a look in his eyes like he’s seen a ghost, or had a sudden moment of clarity or a glimpse of some awful future. Or maybe he just forgot the words. Who knows. It’s a moment as haunting as the lyrics.
Anyway, on the subject of sensitivity, that’s the kind of stuff that gets me. A few more tears to make the world go round.
happy to see you are making progress and have attained the Enlightenment of the Buttons.
but regarding being late and how that is someone’s ‘button’, i think you may have it a bit backwards. or maybe it’s just that it’s one of my buttons too. so from a person-with-lateness-button perspective, and speaking for all such-buttoned peoples, here’s how we see it.
setting a time to meet with someone is an agreement. a verbal contract, if you will. expectations are set. plans are made.
agreed, being on time demonstrates respect, and that’s important. But me getting angry about you being late is not controlling — how could that be? YOU are the one who was late! I’m the dufus who was standing in front of the theatre for 20 minutes looking like a jerk-who-was-just-stood-up. i mean, there is only so much you can do with a cell phone to look busy and important, and when that gets old and boring and i’m still waiting for your ass to show up, then yeah, i’m gonna get pissed. so from my point of view, YOU are the controlling one! you’re the one whose saying, “hey, my life is more important than yours, so would you mind just standing out there for a bit while i get my shit together?!! thanks for being a sucker i can depend on!”
now, the WHY behind the button is another story. maybe i’ve been dumped on a lot. maybe i attract jerks and i tolerate the disrespect and therefore deserve it. or maybe i’ve just had enough, and because of all of the past jerks, i won’t take it any more, so even if you are 15.7839 seconds late i’m gonna get pissed. lucky you.
i used to feel the same way as you about being late. and used to make excuses. ‘it was the train’ ‘it was the weather!’ ‘it was any one of a gazillion forces greater than me all conspiring at once to prevent me from being where i was supposed to be’.
but then i realized, no. it’s just me.
plan better.
take control.
expect the unexpected.
love your friends.
Bubba Blue! What excellent points you bring up! I have to agree with you—at the end of the day, being on late is usually preventable. I understand the random subway that gets stuck, accident on the freeway, etc. But people that are chronically late are definitely displaying a disrespect for your time. I think it’s all in the reaction of the person who feels disrespected. The friend I mentioned has been known to verbally lash out in the heat of the moment, chastising the person who was late right then and there. I think it’s very different if you pull your friend aside at a different moment when emotion is removed from the equation and communicate effectively. For example, “When you’re late, I feel disrespected. Are there some ways we can work on this?”
I just don’t think it’s worth it to get really upset with someone because I had to wait outside a movie theater for ten minutes. I take that time to check my phone, whip out my book, or simply meditate silently, feeling my feet on the ground, etc. I reason that they’ll show up when they can and in my experience, it always always works out the way it’s supposed to. Now, I tend to show up on the late side myself and I can tell you that I also used to get worked up about being late—the stupid train was moving slow or I just missed it and the next one didn’t come for ten hours, or as you said, I simply didn’t plan well enough. And I have to say stressing about being late and stressing about someone else being late? Both really useless instances to get swamped down in negative feelings. I’m lucky enough to have Alayna who just reads her book and greets me with a smile, sometimes pleasantly surprised when I show up at 8:30 instead of 8:33.
In simple terms, you are right. Being late is disrespectful. People should plan accordingly, give themselves enough time, leave earlier than they think. I attempt to do this as much as possible. But I don’t think it’s that black and white and at the root of it all, both parties usually have issues with control and holding people to a certain specific standard. I’m attempting to lower my expectations as I find that I am a much happier individual and when my friends do show up, late or not, I am happy to see them and not at all resentful. I do think that with friends who are chronically late or, even worse, never show up when they say they’re going to, flake out on plans regularly, etc. you can choose to 1) Not be friends with them or B) Simply stop expecting them to follow through on their word. Now, that SUCKS for them. But it’s much better for you because then you don’t have to get all bent out of shape about it.
Douchebag that shows up 1/2 hour to a first date though?
NOT OKAY. NEXT.
[...] have written before about the certain indiscernible shifts that take place during my search for self-awareness. Weeks [...]