After a one and a half year absence, I recently took up Bikram Yoga again. I’m not exactly sure what possessed me or how the thought came into my head. All I know is, on Monday, I was all: BOTH OF MY BEST FRIENDS ARE GONE, I THINK I SHALL SWEAT TO DEATH IN A YOGA ROOM. And so I did.

I took class on Monday night and only got dizzy/nauseated/suicidal a handful of times. I was able to hold all the poses for the suggested length and to my surprise, my flexibility and balance were all there, in the same place I left them, over a year ago. I think it helped that the room was 105 degrees. In that kind of environment, ANYONE is flexible. I remember taking Bikram religiously with my cousin Tom a few years ago and after the 90 minute class, we’d go out into the parking lot and kick our legs like Rockettes because HOLY SHIT, LOOK HOW HIGH MY LEG GOES! AM MADE OF RUBBER!!!!!!!!!

I expected to be incredibly sore the next day, possibly unable to move since that’s what usually happens when I pick up an old activity like yoga or ballet or sumo wrestling for the first time in awhile. And while my hamstrings made it difficult to walk up the subway stairs at a normal pace, everything else felt fine and I was all HOW AM I WONDER WOMAN ALL OF A SUDDEN!? In fact, I was so Feeling Fine that I went back this morning. At 7 AM. Yoga mat, towel, water bottle. This morning, no dizziness, no nausea, only pure euphoria as I practically skipped out of the studio to my car. Yes, my friends, I am officially an addict.

I think a lot has to do with how centered Bikram makes me feel. I mean, any kind of yoga does this for me but Bikram especially because it is so incredibly strenuous that it is IMPOSSIBLE for me to think of ANYTHING ELSE but the present moment. My mind rarely wanders the way it does during a run or other type of work out. It just CAN’T. It’s too busy wondering if my knee is going to just fall off my body and roll around on the floor. Or it’s marveling at the fact that OH MY GOD, I DIDN’T KNOW MY ELBOWS COULD SWEAT?

Because seriously, you guys? You sweat EVERYWHERE. I feel the resistance at the beginning (why did I come here? I wish it was over? Ew ew there is sweat trickling down from my SCALP!) and then about midway through, I just sort of surrender to the heat and the sweating and the heavy breathing and by the end, I have completely failed to notice that it’s hot in that room at all. This morning, I walked out into the 70 degree air outside and was all WHAT THE HELL? WHERE IS MY WINTER COAT!?

So, this something fun on Laura’s Summer Agenda. I think it shall be fruitful and awesome. Not to mention that two separate websites tell me that for someone my weight, an hour of Bikram yoga burns 600 calories? Which means in a 90 minute class, I burn about 800? I’m thinking that no matter how much my shins are sweating, there is NO WAY you can burn 800 calories in 90 minutes. Especially since I expect to be ravenous after every class but I’m not. Quite the opposite. I don’t feel like eating ANYTHING. So, I feel like those websites lie?

WHY ARE YOU LYING TO ME INTERNET? YOU ARE USUALLY SO TRUTHFUL. (HA.)

In other news, I got an e-mail from my CSA that the constant rain has flooded the crops and therefore, strawberry season has ended early and has pretty much sucked. I have to say that I noticed in my last delivery that the berries were tasting…off. And sure enough, they mentioned that as well. Pretty gross, really sad. Especially since this week, Swiss chard was on the menu and NO FRUIT AT ALL thanks to the flooding. HATE. IT.

On Sunday, I attended a graduation party for one of Tom’s little sisters who is off to SUNY Albany in the fall. I went crazy at Target making her a magical YOU ARE GOING TO COLLEGE present, grabbing anything I could think of that I hated buying in college because it cost money. Stuff like laundry detergent. And I am a laundry snob. I would eat PB&J for two meals a day if it meant I could wash my stuff with Tide. OH! LAUNDRY SNOBBERY!

Anyway, it was delightful and my God do I love Target and do I love shopping for people who are going to college and WHY AT 26 DO I STILL MISS COLLEGE SOMETIMES SO MUCH THAT IT HURTS? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY? Damnit, I’m a grown women. People my age are having BABIES and shit. Lord.

At this graduation party, a dear dear aunt of mine who I haven’t seen in AGES (see also: Family Dysfunctional Drama, SQUEE!) came up to me with a fierce hug and said, “I READ YOUR BLOG. WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO PUBLISH SOMETHING? HILARIOUS.”

And I laughed and sort of wished that I could hug her all day because she is just warm, sparkly-eyed, intelligent, lovely, smells nice, etc. My favorite thing about this aunt is her sincerity. Her conversations are real, her care is apparent, her interest in your life ALWAYS genuine. When I did my cabaret last July, she would occasionally laugh when no one else was laughing and the sound of it made my heart soar.

“You know,” she said to me, pulling me aside. “I have an opinion about the family members that get pissed off about your blog.”

“Oh!” I replied. “Um. Yes?”

“I have a very specific attitude about that.”

“Um. You do?”

“YEP.”

“What is it?” I asked, meekly.

“Well. I’m actually kind of HOPING I piss you off at some point.”

“I…what?”

“I am! I’m totally hoping to piss you off or upset you because then you’ll write about it and YOU KNOW WHAT? I will at least know that WHATEVER you write about me will be WELL-WRITTEN. Grammar. Spelling. Possibly a funny punchline. WELL-WRITTEN. WHAT MORE COULD I ASK FOR?”

Well. Nothing, I guess.

I mean, I kind of agree with her. If someone is going to rant and rave about me, I’d at THE VERY LEAST like it to be well-written. I mean, there’s no need to add insult to injury with improper grammar or juvenile spelling mistakes. I mean, COME ON NOW. If you’re going to call me a tasteless whore, DO IT WITH FLAIR!

I kind of very much wish I could rant and rave about this aunt, just to give her a nice pissed off entry to read. A well-written diatribe about how much she sucks. Like, a list of grievances perhaps? But it would be so incredibly lame.

It would be something like this:

* I hate my aunt because she’s always nice to me
* I also hate my aunt because she has a cute haircut
* I hate my aunt for buying thoughtful gifts and for remembering my birthday
* I hate my aunt because she’s a good mom to my cousins
* I hate my aunt because she’s honest about her feelings
* I hate my aunt because she reads my blog and says nice things about it

HOW ABOUT THAT FAMILY MEMBERS?! HOW. ABOUT. THAT.