My boss’ Blackberry died last week and so I ordered her a new one which was delivered on Friday.

She sent me an e-mail asking me to look into activating it for her because she actually has, like, things to do with her time that are sort of important? Unlike me who just sits around blinking and wishing she were tap dancing somewhere else? Right. So, hey, no problem! My boss rocks, I will gladly look into ACTIVATING a Blackberry for her, right? RIGHT.

HOW HARD COULD IT BE?

Famous last words, my friends.

I call two separate IT dudes and leave them voicemails that go something like, “Hey Enriqué! It’s Laura! I need to activate my boss’ new Blackberry. ANY IDEAS? Hope your day is going well PLEASECALLMEBACKSOONSOSHEDOESN’TFIREME BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”

No response.

I then call the company Help Desk.

I waste about fifteen minutes getting through various automated menus.

“PRESS 1 FOR ENGLISH, 2 FOR SWEDISH. I’M SORRY. I DIDN’T HEAR YOU. DID YOU SAY ‘SOMEONE STOLE THE MULTIVITAMINS OFF YOUR DESK?’ IF THIS IS CORRECT, PRESS 1. IF YOU’D LIKE TO SPEAK TO A HUMAN, PLEASE PRESS 492021498597 AND LISTEN TO SOME FANTASTIC HOLD MUSIC FOR APPROXIMATELY 30 MINUTES. THEN PLEASE KILL YOURSELF.”

When I finally get a human on the phone, I ask them a simple question: HOW DO I ACTIVATE THIS BLACKBERRY?

Wanda responds, “Oh! Okay. This is really easy. I will send your boss an e-mail with a magical password. She will boot up the Blackberry, enter the e-mail addresses she needs and then punch in the password. The phone will then be activated.”

“That sounds great, Wanda, but can you send that e-mail to me? My boss is kind of busy.”

“No, ma’am. That would be illegal.”

“DAMNIT WANDA. SEND ME THE PASSWORD.”

Click.

I walk into my boss’ office.

“Hey. The Help desk sent you an e-mail with a magical password, can you forward it to me? It’s illegal for them to send it to anyone but you.”

My boss rips out all her hair.

“THIS COMPANY IS RIDICULOUS.”

“I am aware.”

I get the magical e-mail with the magical password and punch it into the Blackberry.

And wait.

And wait.

“THIS ACTIVATION CANNOT BE COMPLETED.”

!????????? GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WHAT!?

I call the Help Desk back.

“Wanda, my man. It’s L Diddy. Activation didn’t work. And now there’s an error message on the main screen, something about a sim card.”

“OH! Ma’am you need to activate your sim card.”

“Wanda, I don’t even KNOW WHAT A SIM CARD IS. And can’t YOU activate it?”

“No, ma’am. You need to call the provider.”

“The prov…what?”

“AT&T.”

“I need to call AT&T?”

“Yes ma’am. I can give you the toll-free number.”

“WANDA. YOU COMPLETE ME.”

I call AT&T and José informs me that activating the sim card is easy as pie. All he needs is the phone number of the Blackberry, the sim card number and the account number.

I have two out of three.

“José, surely you can activate it without the account number.”

“No, ma’am. I can’t. The information needs to line up.”

“Dude! It lines up! The sim card number! The phone number! Who needs an account number, really? Aren’t you being a little GREEDY?!”

“No, ma’am.”

“Well. How do I find out the account number?”

“I have no idea, ma’am.”

“Excellent. I will call you back.”

I spend the next FORTY-FIVE MINUTES attempting to find an account number. My boss doesn’t have it, because obviously she’s not the one paying the bill for her company Blackberry. The Royal High Admin doesn’t have account number information either. It’s not on the box as someone suggested. It’s not in an Excel Spreadsheet in Admin Land. It’s NOT ANYWHERE.

While I am searching, both of the IT dudes from earlier in the morning call me back.

“HEY LAURA! Did you figure out how to activate the Blackberry? ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS CALL THE HELP DESK…”

Thanks, Enriqué! FOR NOTHING.

I call the company Help Desk back. Surely Wanda can hook a sister up.

“WANDA! My homegirl. How do I find my boss’ account number? AT&T won’t activate the sim card without it.”

“Hold on, ma’am. Let me see if I can bring up that information for you.”

*HOLD MUSIC PLAYS*

I sing along to Michael Bolton’s “How Can We Be Lovers If We Can’t Be Friends” for at least three minutes.

“Ma’am?”

“WANDA! SUGAR PIE!”

“I have no way of finding out that information for you.”

…

“Wha?”

“I don’t have it.”

“WANDA. WHO HAS THIS ACCOUNT NUMBER?! WHO!?”

“Don’t know, ma’am.”

I don’t know what Wanda said next because I picked up my telephone and threw it at my co-worker’s head.

Mind you, it is about 1 pm at this point. I began researching how to activate the Blackberry around 10 am.

I decide to call AT&T one last time, in an effort to possibly sell my body if they will just activate the damn sim card without the account number.

“HI. THIS IS A CRAZY TEMP ON THE BRINK OF MADNESS. CAN YOU PLEASE ACTIVATE THE SIM CARD?”

It’s not José. It’s someone else. A rather chipper young girl named Felicia.

“Sure! May I have the phone number and the sim card number?”

“NO PROBLEM.”

*HOLD MUSIC*

HOOOOOOOLD ME NOW. IT’S HARD FOR ME TO SAY I’M SORRRYYYYY….

“Hello, ma’am?”

“YES! YES! I AM HERE.”

“Are you still seeing that sim card error message on the phone?”

“Uh. Yes?”

“Hmmmmmmm…”

…

“Hmmmmmmmmmm…”

“WHAT IS IT!? ARE WE ALL GOING TO DIE, FELICIA!? TELL ME SO I CAN WRITE UP A WILL.”

“No, not at all. I’m just wondering…did you call the Terms and Services hot line?”

“The what and what line?”

“The Terms and Services? You just need to call a 1-800 number and press 1, saying you accept the Terms and Services.”

“I…are you serious? All I’ve had to do all morning is call a hot line?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

Felicia gives me the number. I call it. I press the number “1″ when prompted and the error message on my boss’ Blackberry disappears.

I enter the magical password.

BLACKBERRY ACTIVATED.

Time it took to actually activate the Blackberry: 2.5 minutes.

Time it took for me, Enriqué, José, Wanda and Felicia to figure out how to do that: approximately 3.75 hours.

Time I spent afterwards wishing I had three bottles of wine to drown my sorrows in: THE REST OF THE DAMN DAY.