In The Car On The Way To Graduation
Me: Deb, do you have any lip gloss?
My Sister: DO I HAVE LIP GLOSS?!
*pulls open her purse to reveal approximately 10,236 lip glosses*
Me: Uh, I’ll try this stuff.
My Sister: OH! It’s good! It’s called “VENOM”. I got it for Christmas.
Me: Oh. Awesome.
*applies lip gloss*
*pause*
*one minute of silence*
Me: Deb?
My Sister: Yeah?
Me: Is it supposed to, like, burn?
My Sister: Yeah, it totally does that.
Me: Is it, like, one of those lip glosses that are supposed to plump your lips like collagen by irritating them?
My Sister: What? They have lip glosses like that?
Me: Yeah dude. Are you telling me you’ve used it for the past few months and never questioned that?
My Sister: I never really thought about it.
Me: You never thought it was weird that a lip gloss was setting your lips on fire?
My Sister: Uh. No. I guess I didn’t.
Me: BECAUSE SERIOUSLY, MY LIPS ARE ON FIRE RIGHT NOW.
My Sister: Well.
Me: ON FIRE. I MEAN, THIS KIND OF PAIN IS INTENSE.
My Sister: I…
Me: ONNNNNNNNNN FIRE!!!!!!!!!! I AM GOING TO DIEEEEEEEEEE! I NEED A TISSUE TO WIPE IT OFF! OH MY GOD THE BURNING! THE BURNINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!
My Sister: Wait. Your lips actually look bigger though.
Me: THE BURNNNNNNNIIIIIIIIIIIN—Wait. Wha? Seriously?
My Sister: Yeah.
Me: Oh. I guess I’ll leave it on then.
My Sister: Totally.
“It’s better to look good than to feel good.” - Fernando
I will not even try to explain these two women to anyone even if they apply Venom lip gloss to me!
Ah! The minute I read “Venom”, I panicked. I tried that stuff on at Sephora one time (ooh! plumpy!) and holy hell, I thought my lips were going to SCAR. The pain! It is so intense!! And hateful!! But unlike you, it did NOT plump my lips and I basically felt like I was sucking on hot coals for dayyyyyyyyyys.
AHAAHAHAHHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Hmmm… what’s the active ingredient?
I’ll stick with Burt and his bees, thanks
I’ve given you an award! Come on over and check it out!
hahahahhahahahhhhh
Ash - I think Deb was definitely lying. I looked in the mirror and didn’t see any difference except my lips were really…glossy? And hurt like a MOFO?!!!!!
Abbie - I have no idea what the active ingredient is but I bet it’s AWFUL. Burts Bees! Heck yeah! I prefer my Smith’s Rosebud Salve. Ahhhh, natural. Not poisonous.
ROTFL!!!
I don’t know what pain everyone has experienced, only a tingle and do you expect anything less when you apply a lip gloss that is called “venom lips”
See, Deb, when you have marvelous lips, you can handle a lip gloss called, “venom”. Shame those others are just not up to your standards! That’s my take anyway!