Fun with Internet Dating
Internet dating websites and social networking sites like Facebook, etc., employ numerous cutesy ways of letting someone know you are interested in them. You can “wink” at them! “Poke” them! “Stalk” them! Of course, you can get ballsy and just e-mail someone but if you want to play it safe and see if they like you, you can choose a far less intimidating option. I would feel a lot less rejected if someone didn’t return my wink than if they didn’t return my e-mail. Composing a witty charming e-mail takes time and effort. Electronic winking? LITTLE TO NONE.
In my short time on an internet dating website, I’ve been winked at numerous times a day which is very surprising considering my profile picture is me saluting in a washing machine. I figured that this picture would keep away anyone without a sense of humor and would also scream THIS CHICK IS CRAZY BUT IN AN ENDEARING KINDA WAY. It would also allow me to stand out among all the other twenty-something girls on internet dating websites who take pictures of themselves in a bikini in their bathroom. (WHY?)
To this end, I have found another non-negotiable trait—never date anyone who isn’t wearing a shirt in their profile. I don’t need to see your chest hair/rippling abs/barbed wire tattoo around your bicep. In fact, I’d rather not. But at least I understand immediately just how big of a tool you are. YOU ARE SAVING ME TIME. THANK YOU.
To my chagrin, very few people who electronically poked me/winked me/stalked me/tonguekissed me seemed date-able. For one thing, inexplicably, most people interested in me were around 36 years and older. And also, they seemed totally boring or they didn’t include a profile picture. Now, call me shallow but there is no way on earth you could get me out on a blind date without knowing what you look like. I AM SORRY. NOT GONNA HAPPEN.
When I did receive an e-mail, it seemed to be a generic cut and paste job, one that a dude sends to twenty girls every single day hoping someone will respond. They were non-specific and lacked punctuation. “HI CUTIE. NICE PIX.”
There was one gentleman who sent me a SIX PARAGRAPH e-mail, all about his life. Do not judge the fact that he’s divorced and has three kids! YOU NEVER KNOW WHERE LOVE WILL FIND YOU! He also included a rather strange sentence about how much he likes “dogs, ducks and dolphins”. I get the dog thing…but…ducks? dolphins? Is that something he thinks will pique a girl’s interest? I just wonder if he thinks there’s some young woman out there, raving about her amazing first date to all her girlfriends.
I WAS UNSURE AT FIRST BECAUSE HE HAS THREE KIDS AND HE’S ONLY 5’6 BUT OMFG HE SAID HE LIKES *DUCKS*! AND FROM THAT MOMENT, I KNEW HE WAS THE ONE!
What?
The first time I received an e-mail with a somewhat normal subject line, I got really excited. And then, as soon as I clicked it open, the excitement turned to disappointment.
It was my cousin.
WHY THE HELL ARE YOU ON THIS DATING WEBSITE?!
I don’t know, why the hell are YOU!?????????????
DOESN’T MATTER. WHY ARE YOU IN A WASHING MACHINE IN YOUR PROFILE?!
WHY THE HELL ARE YOU JUDGING ME?!
etc. etc.
So, this was going swimmingly. Losers were winking at me and the only people who were emailing me were Duck Guy and my cousin.
And just when I thought all hope was lost, JUST WHEN I THOUGHT I SHOULD GIVE UP and start dating homeless people, someone winked at me with a profile picture that made me stop in my tracks.
This can’t be real, I said, clicking through to his profile.
THIS CANNOT BE REAL.
I decided to copy and paste the profile here, in its entirety. I was going to add witty commentary but you guys? I think it contains so many priceless phrases that I think adding to it would detract from just how brilliant it is. I wish I could post the pictures as well but I think that’s overstepping a boundary. Just take my word for it that included among his many pictures was a photo of him on a motorcycle. In front of a Wal-Mart.
I imagine he uses reasoning similar to Duck Guy.
YOU KNOW WHAT A GIRL WILL LIKE!? A SHOT OF ME ON MY BIKE. IN FRONT OF SUPER WAL-MART. THEY DO HAVE THE LOWEST PRICES AROUND!
So. Here you go, my friends. Internet dating at its finest. I realize there are many moments of hilarity but please, do tell, which part is your favorite?
Name/Age/Location have been changed. Everything else—punctuation, use of capslock, grammar—is copy and pasted exactly.
Stats:
Male, 40 year old, NY
Seeking:
women, 25-47 years old
Tag Line: NICE GUY LOOKING FOR GOOD WOMEN TO BE WITH
About Me and Who I’m Looking For:
HI IM CARL IM AN EASY GOING GUY . I WILL TRY ANY THING ONCE. I TRY TO HELP PEOPLE IF I CAN I ENJOY MY TOYS/CARS I LIKE GOING FOR RIDES AND GOING AWAY FOR THE WEEK END OR GOING TO A CASINO ON A WHIM I’M LOOKING FOR SOME ONE WHO DOES NOT PLAY GAMES AND IS WILLING TO TALK ON THE PHONE IF YOU LIKE ME E MAIL ME AND I WILL SEND YOU MY # I’M A PERSON TO PERSON OR FACE TO FACE I HAVE A CAT SO PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF YOU ARE ALLERGIC .AGE DOESENT MATTER AS LONG AS WE GET ALONG AND HAVE FUN THATS WHAT MATTERS I LIVE WITH MY MOM BECASE I PUT AS MUCH AS I CAN INTO MODERNISING MY COMPANY AS I CAN RIGHT NOW THE COMPANY HAS BEEN RUNNING SINCE 1957 AND THE EQUIPMENT IS OLDER THAN THAT PLUS WE LIVE IN A BIG HOUSE AND I HELP HER OUT WITH BILLS CLEANING AND MY COOKING I’M RELY REALY GOOD AT THAT.THANK YOU AND HOPE TO HEAR FROM YOU SOON MY TYPING SUCK’S SO PLEASE BARE WITH ME
for fun:
I ENJOY LOTS OF THINGS TOO MANY TO LIST . TRY EVERY THING ONCE I LIKE 60-90 MUSIC AND COUNTRY I’M A GOOD SINGER. I LOVE JUST RELAXING IN SHORTS AND A TEA SHIRT WITH MY DOG’S AND CAT I LIKE GOING OUT TO EAT OR STAYING IN AND ORDERING
my job:
I OWNE A FAN AND BLOWER COMPANY/FACTORY IN LONG ISLAND CITY AND TRYING TO MODERNIZE IT.
my religion:
Episcopalian simuler to catholic .I BELIVE IN CARMA AND IF IT GOING TO HAPPEN IT HAPPENS
my education:
WENT RIGHT TO WORK WITH FAMLY AND BEEN DOING IT SENCE . I AM A JACK OF ALL TRADES CONSTRUCTION TO AUTO REPARE SALES PLUMER ELECTRICAL EVEN LAND SCAPER I HAVE LEARND A LOT BUT I MASTER NONE
favorite hot spots:
I DON’T LIKE THE CLUB/BAR SEEN I LIKE RIDING ON MY HARLEY TO THE BEACH OR TO THE END OF THE ISLAND OR UP STATE I LIKE GOING TO CAR SHOWS IN MY 1967 PONTIAC LEMANS I’VE NEVER BEEN ON A PLAIN AND WOULD LIKE TO START TRAVELING AND RIDE MOTOR CYCLES
favorite things:
I LIKE ALL TYPES OF FOOD [EXCEPT FISH] . MY COLOR IS SILVER . WHEN IT RAINS I LIKE TO WATCH A GOOD MOVE AND RELAX ON THE COUCH.I LIKE TO SHOP AT THE HARLEY STORE. SHOWS LATLY IS DEAL OR NO DEAL , DESPERIT HOUSE WIVES , PINKS ON SPEED
last read:
I USUALY READ ALOT OF BOOKS ON FANS AND BLOWERS RELATED TO MY COMPANY OR MAGS ON PARTS FOR MY BIKE AND CARS
I thought my favorite would be the tag line, since he used the plural.
Then I thought my favorite would undoubtedly be the tea shirt, which probably looks like this: http://hempytreeplayer.files.wordpress.com/2008/08/teashirtni22.jpg
But, no, my favorite part, without a doubt, is that he reads a lot of books on FANS AND BLOWERS.
As for the dogs, ducks and dolphins guy, he’s obviously crazy. Turtles, herons and North American river otters are totally where it’s at.
*ducks*
The verb, not the waterfowl.
So many things… so many things.
This makes me wish I was single just so I could go on there and check it all out. Perhaps I’ll make profiles for my brothers… you never know, they might even get some winks.
So the guy has a cat and lives with his mom. Hmm. Have you ever seen the video for “I’m so much cooler online” by Brad Paisley? Yeah I think it’s that guy from the song.
I KNOW YOU GUYS! It is all SO GOOD. Comedy Gold, I say. Tim, oh man. Fans and blowers. HILARITY.
Yes! Abbie! HA HA HA. I’ve never heard that song but I LOVE Brad Paisley. I’ll have to check it out. Too funny.
Oh! Also? I really like this part “I LIKE 60-90 MUSIC AND COUNTRY I’M A GOOD SINGER”.
60-90 music, folks. You heard it here first.
I can just picture the book club scenario now:
Moderator: So, what have we been reading?
Sally: Well, I was so impressed with Moby Dick that I just had to move on to Billy Budd. Herman Melville is such a genius!
Jane: Make sure you read Bartleby, the Scrivener next! It’s wonderful. I’ve been working my way through the Anne Rice ouvre. Called out of Darkness really moved me. She may be inheriting the mantle of C.S. Lewis.
Carl: The 2009-2014 World Outlook for Manufacturing Attic Fans, Industrial and Commercial Fans and Blowers, Commercial Exhaust Fans, and Commercial Ventilating Fans is the best book I’ve ever read in my LIFE.
Oh dear. I’ve been doing the internet dating thing for a while and its always good for a laugh. Unfortunately I’m in the same boat as you.. the guys who are attracted to me are not even close to the kind of men I’d be interested in. There was one amazing guy who i was pretty sure would end up being an awesome boyfriend… we chatted several times via aim and were thisclose to having dinner together, until he stopped talking to me altogether. Still not sure why.
Internet dating. What a hoot
Wait… cats? lives with mom? blowers? Are you sure he’s not gay? (And not the good kind of gay that can shop with you and decorate your appartment… the creepy kind of gay that you would see on “To catch a predator” looking for a 12 year old boy to cuddle with.)
Oh my god, I died laughing at the cat part.
You know what’s funny though? He sounds like an older, blue-collar guy who’s super tech-illiterate, but may very well be a super nice guy in real life. There’s a guy at my work like that– he’s basically illiterate when he writes, has no computer skills whatsoever, but when I met him in PERSON, he was perfectly nice and funny. He’s just an older, blue-collar dude who doesn’t know how to use a computer or spell properly.
That said– DUDE. ASK SOMEONE TO EDIT FOR YOU. That shit is ridiculous.
The ones that really get me are the ones who go on and on and ON about how they don’t want a woman who “plays games”, etc., etc. I’m actually starting to get why they do this (AFTER DATING A WOMAN WHO PLAYS GAMES), but it just makes them look awful.
Anyway, four stars for this post! I laughed out loud at the part about your cousin.
I could picture the first date going something like this:
EXT. GENERIC NYC CAFÉ – DUSK
Carl pulls up 20 minutes late in his 1967 Pontiac Lemans blasting and singing along to Tom Jones – “It’s not unusual” which is then followed by Ace of Base – “The Sign” He is dressed in an obviously dirty pair of khaki shorts and a Lipton Tea Company button down shirt. His hands have spots of motor oil on them.
*(of course he is yelling this because the caps lock text was on purpose)*
Carl: HEY SORRY I’M LATE. NICE TO FINALLY MEET YOU IN PERSON ‘CAUSE I’M A “PERSON TO PERSON” GUY (actually uses air quotes)
*Awkward Silence, then he takes a seat and continues to talk*
Carl : I WAS LEAVING MY FAN AND BLOWER COMPANY SLASH FACTORY SO I COULD GET HERE EARLY BUT THEN I REALIZED THAT I HAD TO FEED MY CAT AND MY MOM. SO I DROVE BACK TO HOME AND WOULDNTCHA KNOW IT…A WATER PIPE HAD BROKEN!
*Carl takes a sip of water which dribbles a bit down his chin. Instead of using a napkin he uses the back of his hand, which smears some grease onto his chin*
Carl: SO SINCE I’M A JACK OF ALL TRADES, *smiles widely – showing his yellowed teeth* I TOOK OUT MY HANDY DANDY DUCT TAPE AND BOOM ALL FIXED! ISN’T DUCT TAPE A FUNNY WORD. SOUNDS LIKE DUCK! HA! *snorts loudly and makes wing flapping gesture * QUACK QUACK! *continues to laugh at his joke for a few more seconds* AH…DUCKS….
*bystanders are looking at him with puzzled looks*
Carl: ANYWHOOS. LETS..UH…GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER. YOU KNOW TALK ABOUT THE FACTS OF OUR LIFE. AND I’M NOT TALKING ABOUT THE TV SHOW. HA!…WAIT…WAS IT THE FACTS OF OUR LIFE OR THE FACTS OF LIFE. WELL WHATEVER IT IS, YOU GET IT RIGHT?
*you go to speak for the first time but cuts you off right before you can get a syllable out*
Carl: LET ME GO FIRST. WELL AS YOU ALREADY KNOW I OWN MY OWN COMPANY. WHICH IS A PRETTY DIFFICULT TO RUN IN THIS 20TH CENTURY. I READ ALL THESE NEW FAN AND BLOWER BOOKS BUT THEY CAN GET REALLY LONG. LIKE 250 PAGES LONG! SO I SEES THIS ONE BOOK WITH A CD IN IT AND I’M LIKE “WOAH AUDIOBOOK. I DON’T GOTTA READ NOW” SO I POP THIS CD INTO MY LEMANS AND IT DON’T WORK. SO I’M ALL MAD CAUSE I BOUGHT THIS SO I DON’T HAVE TO READ. I GO BACK TO RETURN IT AND THE MORON WORKING THERE IS ALL LIKE “ITS FOR THE COMPUTER SIR” WITH THIS REALLY SNOBBY ATTITUDE. THEN HE SAID SOMETHING ABOUT A PDF OR PFD FILE AND I’M ALL LIKE “WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH A PERSONAL FLOTATION DEVICE! I AIN’T READING THIS ON A BOAT!” I STORMED RIGHT OUTTA THERE. THEY AIN’T GONNA GET MY BUSINESS ANYMORE.
*Carl takes a napkin and blows his nose violently and takes a bread stick. Then starts to talk with the bread still in his mouth*
Carl: WELL YOU SEE I GOT THAT SWEET LEMANS OUT THERE. BUT I ALSO GOT A SWEET HARLEY. I TAKE IT OUT SOMETIMES AND JUST RIDE FOR HOURS. THIS ONE TIME I PUT ON MY STAR WARS STORM TROOPER UNIFORM, WHICH BY THE WAY I MADE COMPLETELY OUT OF FAN AND BLOWER PARTS. ANYWAYS I PUT IT ON AND I DROVE AROUND ON MY HARLEY. OH MAN, YOU SHOULDA SEEN THE LOOKS I WAS GETTIN’. I HAD SOME TROUBLE TAKING IT OFF THOUGH BUT I GOT MY MOM AND SHE HELPED ME OUT. AND WHEN I’M NOT WEARING IT, MY CAT USES IT AS HER BED. ITS SO SWEET. I’LL SHOW IT TO YA WHEN YOU COME OVER.
*you look down at your cell phone hoping that anyone would call, even a telemarketer*
Carl: OH AND SPEAKING OF MY CAT. SHE IS SO FRIGGIN’ ADORABLE. *he takes out his wallet and sprawls 10 different photos of his cat out on the table* HERE SHE IS EATING AND HERE SHE IS SITTING ON MY MOM’S LAP AND HERE SHE IS IN MY STORM TROOPER COSTUME LIKE I SAID BEFORE. *this continues until he has gone through each photo*
*Carl puts his wallet away and looks to his side at the next table over. A customer is reading The Dalai Lama’s Book of Wisdom*
Carl: *pointing to the next table* HOW DUMB DO YOU GOTTA BE TO LISTEN TO THAT SALVADOR DALI GUY.
*you get up slowly, grab any of your belongings and then make a mad dash down the street*
Kyle- I loved it. I have one critique however. I do not believe that Carl uses punctuation, and instead has one, long, continuous sentence. Other than that, you made me laugh. But then again, maybe his mom and cat were waiting in the car, since he doesn’t have a license and they had to drop him off.
Hmmmm….is his real name John? I think I’ve met him.
Well, THAT’S A KEEPER!
Tim – I think assuming Carl is a member of a book club is EXTREMELY generous. Also, hilarious.
E – Are you still away doing la show? I’m so sorry about that dude! He probs got back together with an ex. WHICH ALWAYS WORKS OUT SO WELL.
Abbie – Now, now Abbie. I believe most pedophiles are hetero. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t any creepy gay men. My roommate occasionally encounters them out at bars. They’re not necessarily into little boys but they are definitely into young men at least thirty years their junior. AWKWARD.
Laurie – AGREED. This is a valid point. I’m sure, if I met him in person, he’d be a really really great guy. He just isn’t that tech-literate. I must agree with you that he probably should’ve asked for help with the profile. ALSO, the internet dating website OFFERS profile and e-mail help. So, there you go. Yeah. My cousin. True story.
Debbiy – HA HA HA NO! But I’m sure we all know a Carl in real life…
Gis – I KNOW! We’re getting married!!!!
Kyle – Just. Wow. You complete me.
I feel you, only the old dirty men seem to wink at me. I did meet my current boyfriend online and it’s actually been good so far, already really comfortable around each other, so maybe there’s hope. But before that it was a lot of first dates from me and never hearing from then again. And me screaming, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? I actually got a text from a guy I fooled around with a couple of months ago wondering why I never talked to him. I said it was because I was being overbearing and was giving him the chance to, and wondering it took him 2 months to contact me about this. To cut it short, he told me his true intentions eventually, “We should hang out. Maybe hook up again.” I said I’m not bootycall a**hole and that’s the last I’ve talked to him.
Love that your cousin emailed you on the dating site!
I went to Amazon and reviewed The 2009-2014 World Outlook for Manufacturing Attic Fans, Industrial and Commercial Fans and Blowers, Commercial Exhaust Fans, and Commercial Ventilating Fans. What can I say. I was inspired.
Yes, Laura. I am sure that Carl would still want to marry you and then meet little boys online to come help him out with his blowers.
LAURA, SNATCH THIS DREAMBOAT UP IMMEDIATELY!!!
OMG, so he has flaws! At least he’s a “rely realy” good cook. Probably even “simuler” to the pros.
And yet he likes “GOING OUT TO EAT OR STAYING IN AND ORDERING” which pretty much encompasses everything. Except cooking.