I’ll Tell You What I Want, What I Really Really Want
My therapist once told me that when patients tell him they are ready to find a long-term partner, when they are emotionally available, willing to put themselves out there, not a complete commitment-phobic asshole nor hung up on an ex who broke their heart years ago, he advises that they simply step out onto the streets of New York and “interview for the position”.
“It’s a job search,” he said. “You need to check out some candidates while keeping in mind exactly what it is you’re searching for. Your criteria. What is it? Do they meet it? Go out in the world and see.”
As if it is that easy. As if one can simply stand on the sidewalks of Manhattan, finger to her chin, with a thought bubble above her head and VOILA! candidates will simply line up in front of her. She will be holding a clipboard and will ask a series of questions including but not limited to “Are you a serial killer? Do you attend Renaissance Festivals? Are you gay?” She will then make checkmarks on the clipboard, dismiss 80% of the dudes and schedule dates with the remaining single fellows who will all be NORMAL, impeccably dressed and freshly shaven. They will be intelligent and charming, funny and self-aware! She will have a hard time narrowing it down! OH! THE POSSIBILITIES! THESE CANDIDATES ARE AWESOME. I CHOOSE YOU! Philip the Philosophy Professor Who Has Gleaming Teeth and Saves The Whales In His Free Time! YES! YOU!
In reality, should I stand on a sidewalk of Manhattan and wait for a “normal” man to approach me…
Well, my friends.
I would be waiting a long time.
There’s an impeccably dressed man near my office, kind of a hipster type, often wearing high top sneakers, a leather jacket and skinny jeans. I see him every time I run to the health store for a smoothie. He’s usually speaking loud enough for other people to hear, eloquently, I might add, on a vast array of subjects. He’s INTELLIGENT. He’s QUIRKY. He’s TALL. You might think, Hey Laura! Why not ask that guy OUT? GET ON IT, SISTA.
There is only one reason why I don’t indeed ask him out and it’s quite simple: Because this man is a homeless paranoid schizophrenic.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND SCENE.
Call me judgmental but I prefer my dates to at the VERY LEAST be on some sort of medication for their mental illness and possibly have some semblance of a roof over their heads. It might seem shallow but I’m willing to own that.
So hey! Dear Therapist: Interviewing peeps for the position “Laura’s Partner in Crime” is a leetle bit harder than you make it sound.
Every time I see a respectable man, well-dressed, great smile, award-winning charm and personality, these men:
1.) Stare at my chest and think I don’t notice.
2.) Flash me their wedding ring.
3b.) Both.
Oh, New York City. THOU ART SO CRUEL. Especially because I don’t have breasts and those men inevitably end up disappointed. SALT IN THE WOUND, I SAY.
I suppose I should get back to the topic at hand. And that is, criteria. Or, as I like to call it “Mah List Of Non-Negotiables.” Let’s be honest—you aren’t going to find everything you’re looking for in one person. However, I firmly believe that you can definitely find your Top Three or your Top Five at the very least.
Do you have some?
If not, I suggest you get some.
Why not make a list?
At the urging of my therapist, I decided to write down EVERY SINGLE PERSON I’VE EVER DATED and list all the things I liked about them and didn’t like about them. Aside from realizing that I am a Huge Slut Whose Vegan Smoothie Brings All The Boyz 2 The Yard, I realized that there is a pattern to happiness in a relationship. The people I got along with the best possessed personality traits that I labeled “MUST HAVES”. Not surprisingly, these relationships were the most fulfilling and reasonably devoid of conflict.
Making the list was a daunting task but it ended up being incredibly rewarding. To be clear: I tried to keep it to “Things That Were Compatible” vs. “Things That Were Not So Compatible” so it didn’t end up being HE WUZ REALLY HOT BUT HE BROKE MY HEART INTO A MILLION PIECES AND I CONTEMPLATED SUICIDE WHAT AN ASSHOLE.
I attempted not to linger in Bitter Land and instead, approach it from a clinical standpoint.
“I liked that he got along with my friends.”
“I did not like it when EVERY SINGLE TIME I suggested a book to read or a song to download, he would NEVER EVER EVER do it and yet when HE told ME to read a book or download a song, he would FREAK THE FUCK OUT if I didn’t do it IMMEDIATELY oh my God, I wasted years of my liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiife.”
Uh. I said “ATTEMPTED” not to linger in Bitter Land. I didn’t say I succeeded.
BUT! On the whole! I did! And I learned a lot!
For example, I learned that I have an abnormal love for tall people.
Now, we can analyze this forever. We really can. Or we can just come right out and call me shallow. Or we can just accept that Mama likes her men to be tall drinks of water. Or rum. What have you.
I think it’s important to note that this is not what I would consider a NON-NEGOTIABLE but it was useful for me to see a pattern. I believe height, in the end, aids in my physical attraction to people. For whatever reason, it just does. So while I would never say OH! I CANNOT DATE YOU, 5’2 LOWLY PERSON, I can’t deny the fact that I seem to be most comfortable with people close to or way over six feet.
This is not the same as saying I ONLY DATE BROWN HAIRED BLUE-EYED 6’2 MEN WITH RIPPLING ABS. (Ahem, roommate, ahem.)
So okay! Tallness is not a non-negotiable. But it’s related to physical attractiveness which I think is definitely a non-negotiable.
Full disclosure: I usually gravitate towards the dorkier dudes. As in, they strike me as completely hilarious and kind before they strike me as drop-dead model gorgeous. However, BECAUSE they are completely hilarious and kind, they therefore strike me as drop-dead model gorgeous and I end up wanting to tonguekiss them all the live long day. (If I ever dated you, I’m not trying to say you were ugly and that I looked past it because you were hot in other ways. Unless you are an Ex who slept with my best friend and killed my mom. And then dude: You are Ugly. Furrealz.)
Physical Attraction – CHECK!
What else?
Sense of humor! This one sounds like it should be a given though it actually can be interpreted many ways. Having a “sense of humor” loosely implies that if something is amusing, you will note it. You have a SENSE of the HUMOR. However, it doesn’t actually mean that you, yourself, are funny, that you are witty or have a sense of sarcasm or that you crack jokes or that you tell a hilarious story. It just means that you are able to laugh at other people and possibly yourself.
I have learned that there are many levels on the Funny Scale for I have dated several versions.
There is Quiet Dry Humor Guy! You think he’s not paying attention and then BAM! He comes out with the most hilarious comment ever in the history of the universe! Unexpected! Smart! LOVE THIS GUY!
There’s Quick-Witted Guy! He’s sarcastic! He’s quick! He’s witty! He keeps you on your toes! You can banter back and forth for approximately twenty minutes simply making fun of each other! LOVE THIS GUY TOO!
There’s Stand Up Comedian guy! He does funny voices! He sings funny songs! He’s always the center of attention! Sometimes he pushes the envelope! I MODERATELY LIKE THIS GUY!
Practical Joke Guy and/or Guy Who Quotes Judd Apatow Movies Every Five Seconds! This guy plays practical jokes! Which I hate! This guy doesn’t find anything funny except lines from movies that are occasionally misogynistic and offensive! Surprise! I HATE THIS GUY!
To be clear about the movie-quoting thing? I quote movies. I do. I am that girl. Get me started on “Wet Hot American Summer” and I will plow through it line by line, cackling maniacally and finding myself UTTERLY! HYSTERICAL! Aren’t I?! I mean, straight up comic GENIUS over here! So, I don’t have a problem with the occasional “Anchorman” reference. I do have a problem with men who continually rely on pop culture references to get them through a conversation. See also: this guy I went on a date with who NO JOKE would ask me:
“So, have you seen XYZ Stand Up Comedy Routine?”
“No.”
“OH! HERE’S HOW IT WENT…”
And would give me a play by play of the ENTIRE THING. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt…that perhaps he was nervous. And didn’t know what to say. So he fell back on someone else’s words instead of coming up with something original himself.
Except. It was irritating. And as we all know, it didn’t quite work out between us.
So, REASONABLE SENSE OF HUMOR – CHECK!
What else?
Intelligence! This is self-explanatory. Do not be as dumb as a porch. That is all. It helps if you read! Even articles on the internet count! If you can have a conversation about anything at all, I count that as intelligence. You can make me swoon a lot harder should you know some strong vocabulary words or exhibit a definitive opinion about anything at all. But in the end, I’m easy to please. I’m not that smart so the bar here, unlike the bar for humor, is set way low. Impress me. It’s not hard. You don’t have to know the names of everyone in Congress. But you should know who the President is. (NIXON!)
SELF-AWARE. This may not be your run-of-the-mill non-negotiable but it’s a very, very important one for me. I’m often impressed by people who know themselves well. They are aware of their buttons, their flaws, their strengths, their patterns. If they take it one step further and actively work to BETTER themselves? Bonus bonus bonus. I’m turned off by complacency and the tendency to be nescient about who you are and what you want. Know thyself! Or…attempt to get to know thyself. Or…something.
INTERESTS/PASSIONS/QUIRKS. I’m an introverted person by nature. I’d rather sit at my laptop and type than go out clubbing. I like drinking wine and cooking dinner. My life is pretty standard. That being said, there are many things that I’m passionate about. My schedule can get insanely busy; I like to be creative, productive, active. While I think having any kind of interest/hobby/passion is important, I think having a few in common with me is helpful.
I mean, my life is cool but it’s also lame. It’s not like I’m volunteering for Doctors Without Borders in my spare time. I’m not really into kidnapping small children or going to a Star Trek Convention. Trying out the best steakhouse in town is not really on my list of Things To Do; I think role playing games are freaking scary and I don’t really get the point of NASCAR. At all. OTHER THAN THAT? I think common activities and interests can be found! And more importantly, I think they are important. Passion turns me on. Creativity. A natural curiosity about life.
And now, I suppose it’s worth it to mention some things that are not on my non-negotiable list.
MONEY. I don’t think twice about my partner’s income though I will say that after dating my share of “artists”, a sense of stability helps. I don’t expect to be cared for, don’t expect lavish gifts. But also? I don’t expect to have to pay EVERY SINGLE TIME WE GO OUT, dear GOD IN HEAVEN, GET A JOB.
NEIGHBORHOOD. A cousin of mine once told me that he went out with a SMOKING HOT girl, a total SWEETHEART who was, like, a special education teacher who was generally awesome in every way. When I asked him why he didn’t pursue the relationship, he mentioned she lived in Queens.
“So?”
“So. I live on the Upper West Side.”
“So?”
“SO!? What do you mean ‘so’!? She’s obviously geographically undesirable!!!!”
Hmmm. VALID POINT. But is it? I haven’t decided. In a place like New York City, do you need to establish some kind of acceptable territory? “I will go here but I won’t go there.” I mean, if you both live in the same neighborhood, it’s a lot easier to coordinate hanging out. However, should you discount someone immediately because their apartment isn’t as accessible? In fact, maybe you should consider them even MORE especially because you are saving yourself for marriage and living THISCLOSE to someone might tempt sinful acts. HMMMMM? MY MOTHER WANTS TO KNOW.
ACTORS. I have decided not to ban specific categories of men from my Potential Dating List. I mean, except for the obvious: members of the Ku Klux Klan, people who don’t like me back, suicide bombers, etc. With those exceptions, I think it’s a bit unfair to make sweeping generalizations about a group of people and discount them completely. However, maybe this is the equivalent of saying I Don’t Date Short People and didn’t I already say that?
It’s just…I would never want someone to discount me because I’m an actress. Or because of my height. Or because I have a blog. Or because I have horse teeth. You know? And honestly? Actors are some of the best people I’ve ever dated. They are hilarious, creative, passionate, intelligent, inspiring people. But also? You guys, we all know, they are fucking CRAZY.
So, you know, I’m thinking the investment banker community? The schoolteacher community? The web developer community? Probably not as intense. Well. Maybe. But definitely not as gay.
IN SUMMARY, I’m not really interested in men who sit around waiting for a girlfriend to come along and complete them. That responsibility makes me uncomfortable. I would prefer a person who has their own life going on and is happy with it and looks at me as an awesome bonus who might fit into it quite nicely. In the past, when my relationships evolved in this way, I was very very happy.
I’d like someone I can talk to about anything ’til all hours of the night—religion, politics, what we ate for dinner, the merits of quoting Superbad on a first date, astrology, flannel sheets, fear of dying, that weird mole scar on my back, why Thai food is so delicious, etc.
Someone I can go out exploring with.
Yet someone who is there to rub my feet while we watch TV and drink a beer after that long day of wandering.
A person to accompany me on wacky adventures—not to create them or dominate them or follow them, but to fall into them side by side.
Do you have such a person?
If not, do you want one?
If so, do you have non-negotiables too?
You got me thinking. When I met my husband, I had no idea what I wanted. It was just that he made me so happy and I realized he was everything I wanted, except I didn’t know it until I met him. Does that make sense? I was also a 20 year old kid so that explains my lack of knowing what I wanted.
That said, if I were out there in the dating world, I would want a blue-collar guy who values hard work and respects me, who has traditional values and can build me stuff. Haha! That’s Ed!
Don’t discredit guys who are not clean shaven, I think it’s kinda sexy. Unless it’s scratchy.
And wait… did you say you were saving yourself for marriage, or was that just an example. Inquiring minds want to know.
Abbie – This is so interesting! In an earlier draft of this post, I mentioned that when I was younger, for whatever reason, I had no such thoughts about criteria. I realize now that it’s just because–I was young! And didn’t really give it much thought. I just knew what I liked when I met it! I don’t know if getting older and gaining dating experience has helped me or just made it more complicated. Do I really need to analyze criteria? Or do I just need to let all that go and just be open to knowing it when I see it? I HAVE NO IDEA.
I think by clean shaven, I meant “showers regularly”. The scruf is hot. But scratchy. Ow.
The saving yourself for marriage was an example, attempt at humor, etc. I wish I could say I was but. Uh. I ruined that already. To be blunt.
B.B.E. (Before the Brett Era)
MUST BE: funny, sensitive, artistic, not hairy
MUST NOT HAVE: dreadlocks, an ex-boyfriend, crabs
B.E. (Brett Era)
MUST BE: Jewish, smart, supportive, funny
MUST NOT HAVE: dreadlocks, an ex-boyfriend, crabs. Or a jail record (thanks, Experience!)
HA HA HA HA HA!
Peeing my pants.
Also, hear you on the jail record. HELLO SUMMER I DATED A CONVICTED FELON! WOOPS.
Also, I think it’s interesting that a lot of the time, especially when we’re younger, we don’t realize certain things that we like until we meet the person. Or, we don’t realize how important certain things are until the person in front of us exhibits those qualities or behaviors and then suddenly it’s like I CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT THIS! THIS IS FANTASTIC! I’ve found that there’s something in every single one of my ex’s that I try to look for in the next one. And a lot of those qualities were never on my mind until I met them. I’m glad you stuck with the dreadlocks thing, though. Definitely not for me either.
What’s your age limit criteria? What about hair?
“A person to accompany me on wacky adventures—not to create them or dominate them or follow them, but to fall into them side by side.”
Exactly.
I agree that every relationship adds to my list of non-negotiables. After every person I date, I think “the next person I date HAS to have this amazing quality this person had! and the next person I date CANNOT have this horrible quality this person had.”
Age limit criteria – as far as younger men go, I quite honestly am turned off by someone more than a year or so younger. I find that since I’m incredibly wise and mature beyond my years, it is very rare that I’m on the same page as a 23 year old. I’m kind of only half-kidding here. I have never dated more than six months younger. Ever.
In terms of older – My maximum is ten years, I believe. I think 36 is the oldest I could go at this point. In my early 20′s, I went on a few dates with a man 12 years older and another man about 16 years older. Too old. Though ironically enough, the age wasn’t the deciding factor in it not working out, it was more about their personalities or other things I didn’t think were compatible. Perhaps some of those dealbreakers WERE because of their age, though. Who knows.
The biggest age gap I’ve ever had a long-term serious relationship with was 3.5 years. And it worked out very well. (Until, uh, it was over, obviously.) So! Let’s say my current age range is 25-36.
Hair – HMMMMMMMMMMMM. HAVE NEVER GIVEN THIS MUCH THOUGHT. I briefly dated a boy without any hair! A shaved head/bald, however you want to say it. He was completely hilarious and fantastic and I never gave it much thought. Obviously, a lovely head of hair is quite dreamy. But it’s not a dealbreaker in terms of attractiveness. At least, I don’t think so. Anyone? The norm right now seems to be the receding hairline and what right have I to judge it? (It’s all downhill from here anyway, right?) My older brother was losing his hair at 17. POOR PAUL.
I do have to say that I’d rather have Bald Guy than Incredible Amounts of Back Hair Guy. Eeeek. That is shallow, yeah?
Laurie – YES. YES. EXACTLY. I must have this! FROM NOW ON. But I cannot have that! EVER! AGAIN!
I fell out laughing when you talked about your “vegan smoothie bringing all the boys2 the yard.” Hilarious!
I do know what you mean about the dating world, though.
It took me 38 years to find the “right” one.
He was worth the wait—but the dating years were tough, interesting, and…well sometimes fun and odd.
I was picky. Picky, picky, picky. But not picky in a good way. I found all kinds of reasons for shooting guys down. Too short? Shot him down. Too into sports? Totally shot him down. Not enough into me? Oh, well—I guess that means I was shot down—but anyway–done.
Like Madeleine Kahn says in the movie CLUE—-”Men should be like tissue paper…soft, strong, and disposable.”
If one didn’t work out—there was always another one around somewhere. As a result I was VERY picky.
So yes, I think the criteria you’ve boiled your “ideal guy” down to is good criteria. Very level-headed.
The best book I’ve ever read on dating is by Drs. Cloud and Townsend—-”How to Get a Date Worth Keeping”.
It helped me get rid of the idea that Mr. Right had to look and act a certain way—and get me to the idea that husband material looks like human material.
Also, the book had a few helpful strategies for getting out there and increasing my odds of meeting someone. It was a bit like a literary boot camp.
Ultimately I ended up with a short list of must haves:
Must have integrity.
Must have a sense of humor.
Must want something for himself concerning faith.
Must be intelligent.
I must find him attractive.
Must be passionate about something ( work)
Must have a good relationship with his family.
Must be able to argue constructively.
My list of Deal Breakers broke down thusly:
Must not smoke ( I have asthma)
It seems like a simple list—-but it took a long time to find someone who met all of those requirements since I knew they would all be important to me.
I wish you the best of luck in your dating adventures.
It’s an exciting time—sometimes more exciting than you would like. But enjoy that time. It’s brief and it’s wonderful, and to be savored.
As a man who over the next 3 to 4 years will become “Incredible Amounts of Back Hair Guy” I find you comment very shallow. Now with that being said I completely agree with you. Back hair is terrible. I curse my father everyday for passing this trait down to me. Damn you Pasquale!
Okay… good. I thought you were one of those wierdos like that family with the 20 or so kids who save their first kiss for their wedding day or something. And I would have to stop reading your blog. And then I remembered all about your pending tongue-kissing rampage and was like “phew!” she’s just a normal wierdo, not a really wierd wierdo and I can still read her blog! Yay!
And on a totally unrelated note… I thought of you today while I was at work. I was lecturing on the ozone layer, CFC’s, UV rays, etc. It was a great powerpoint that I made the other day, with lots of sweet pictures of the ozone hole, and most of the kids were looking at me and paying attention. Next thing you know, I go to walk around my desk and see that my foot had become tangled in my laptop powercord. In a split second, I decided not to move my foot and pull the computer onto the floor, and instead I fell on the floor! In front of my whole class! Behind my desk! So I got to lay there for a second wondering if I should get up or just stay there! Kids gasped! That meant they saw me fall! I got up and peeked up from behind my desk, and at that moment they were ALL STARING AT ME until I said, “Good thing my computer didn’t fall! Is that the first time I fell in this class?”
Kids: “Yes…” (still in shock).
Me: “It won’t be the last!” Laughter erupts and we go on with class. How embarassing. Oh well!
Pretty hilarious!
Good luck with that finding someone thing. It seems like quite the fiasco, I’m glad to be done with it
Keep on keepin on
I wake up every morning, look over at the man sleeping next to me, and fall in love all over again.
Every day.
For three years.
I was married 13 years and never experienced this. I didn’t go looking. It just happened.
And I am so very blessed.
Cavewoman – I love your list of negatives – MUST NOT SMOKE. The End. Hilarious! Wow! 38 years! I totally hear you on the “picky but not in a good way”. I think after getting out of an especially traumatizing relationship, I picked apart every single potential partner. For the DUMBEST THINGS. It took a good self-help book for me to realize that I was kind of afraid of commitment and that my dates’ character flaws weren’t really that big a deal. A husband is human after all. I love that you said that.
James – OH PLEASE. Patsy gave you some great things too! Your height! Your Long Island accent! Surely you shouldn’t be so sad. And hey! There’s always a razor and/or waxing kit.
Abbie – I am just a normal weirdo! Not a weirdo weirdo! HA HA HA. I was raised with the idea that sex is for marriage but sadly (not that sadly), it didn’t stick. And frankly, I might’ve been okay with it had I married very young but…obviously, I didn’t. I think 13 is too young to handle the emotional/physical ramifications of sex. I don’t think 26 is.
And OH MAN! Way to fall in front of your ENTIRE CLASS! I’m so touched that you thought of me though, your fellow spaz in crime! AW YEAH. Sounds like you made everyone laugh with your comment though! So cute.
Rob – I haven’t talked to you forever—does this mean you’ve found someone? Married? Long-term relationship? Etc.? If so, CONGRATS.
Debbiy – You remind me that I forgot the most important non-negotiable: Must Be In Love. I really really need that spark, that overwhelming lovey-dovey feeling. Even if it fades or mellows out with time, I really really need it at the beginning. I must say, it’s been a long, long time since anything like that has come my way. I feel like I’m due.
Sweet! We’re incompatible and yet have much in common! That means we can hang out and have fun!
Here’s how I spent the last 24 hours:
Went to Union Square. Shopped at Virgin and Barnes and Noble. Spent about thirty minutes in each store. I can do it in less time, and I can also browse for hours. Depends on my mood. Walked back out into Union Square where I encountered a guy wearing a sign with Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck on it. The sign said SILENCE RIGHT-WING RADIO BEFORE IT CREATES ANOTHER TIMOTHY MCVEIGH! I couldn’t help myself. I approached him and the following conversation ensued:
Me: What about freedom of speech?
Him: It’s overrated.
Me: Oh, so you’re a fascist.
Him: *eyes downcast*
Me: Let people speak.
And then I walked away because he had no retort and couldn’t even look me in the eye.
Then I went to a friend’s place and watched the Who video that I just bought at Virgin until she couldn’t take it anymore. We then popped in Kenneth Branagh’s HAMLET and watched the entire thing. Then she went to bed and I crashed on her coach. Her roommate suggests doing Shakespeare scenes with me in Central Park. Maybe we’ll even busk! We’re quite certain that will be amazing. Not today, though, because she’s got to finish her MFA application. Her roommate goes to work. I walk to Central Park and encounter nearly thirty turtles and a heron.
THIRTY TURTLES (nearly) AND A HERON. Last week there was one turtle. A turtle that’s in love with me. But that’s a tale for another day. A tale with pictures.
I then walk from north Central Park all the way to Greenwich Village because it’s SO gorgeous out. Save a little kid’s balloon from 5th Avenue traffic on the way, much to his mother’s delight.
*phonecall*
And now I’m apparently going to go see a foreign film about a little girl vampire at midnight tonight in the East Village.
ADVENTURES, LAURA.
This is me saying we should hang out, because I think you’re keen and you need more turtles in your life. Turtles and me slaying left wing fools with my steely glare before rescuing balloons from traffic!
Not that all left wingers are fools, mind you.
Oh, yeah, you asked about non-negotiables:
1. Must not smoke.
2. Must be kind.
3. Must be attractive.
4. Must be opinionated and able to articulate those opinions intelligently.
5. Must have good taste in music and love music. In other words, must have a favorite band and/or solo artist that does not suck.
6. Must give a damn about life, religion, politics, etc. In other words, must not be apathetic about things that matter.
7. Must be personally opposed to abortion.
8. Must love life and the arts.
9. Must not be bigoted.
10. Must love the outdoors, travel and wildlife to at least some degree.
11. Must love the idea of curling up on a coach to watch a good movie.
12. Must not cheat.
13. Must think William Shakespeare is brilliant.
14. Must adore turtles.
Tim – We will hang out! TURTLES! A HERON! YOU SAVED A KID’S BALLOON!? DOWNRIGHT FASCINATING I SAY. I also love your list! I should add non-smoker to mine. I’ve tried it. I HATE IT. “Must not cheat”…excellent as well.
I also walked into Jackie Mason that day. TURTLES! A HERON! A BALLOON! JACKIE MASON! All in one day! Nay, one HOUR!
The mind reels, Laura. The scope of the adventuriness of that day (nay, hour!) is positively, uh… perspicacious?
PERSPICACIOUS!? A+ FOR SAT VOCABULARY, TIM! WELL DONE.
again, i’m so behind on these posts…
such a good question and, honestly, a tough one! i’ve been with john forever, but i did date a few guys in my day and although i’m married, mama ain’t blind or dead, so i DO notice men…
when i was younger, obviously the top need was attraction. not necessarily looks, but there had to be some kind of spark, you know? and that attraction comes from an educated guy who can carry on a conversation, etc. i’ve heard that women typically assess men as mating partners, which is a bit animalistic for my taste but probably true… when i was a teenager i had no clue what i wanted to be when i grew up and no clue where life would take me – the only definite was that i’d be a mom. my college roommates always tell me that one of the first things i told them about myself was that i’d be a mom someday (not as soon as i was, of course, but whatevs).
john never had much contact with kids, but i really never thought that was important. he was charming and funny and flirty and paid for everything and smelled really good and had/has a cute butt. he wasn’t/isn’t artistic or day-dreamy or anything like me, really. what’s so weird is that my best friend and husband and partner in life is pretty much my exact opposite.
and as frustrating as our differences were (and, believe me, still are), when he would help me babysit my nieces and nephews years ago, i saw something in him that he probably never knew was there. even with all our differences, he’s a natural daddy, which is the only thing that’s ever really mattered to me.
i didn’t get a chance to respond to the “when did you truly feel loved” question/post, but i’d have to say that there was never one defining moment with john. when we finally moved in together and just starting living our life as a family, it all seemed so natural and, well, meant to be. those banal moments are the moments i feel most loved, when we’re sharing about our day over dinner or even arguing over his stinky socks lying around the house and my aversion to cleaning. it’s that i know he wants to be with me and lily in our messy house with stinky socks all over the floor b/c i refuse to pick them up, that there’s no place else he’d rather be.
when your guy shows up, you’ll know. it’ll feel right, meant to be. he could have mad back hair, be bald, a republican, even… if he loves you and you love him and when you look at him after years of being together and want to throw up and cry and dance around with joy because you’re so happy and content, you’ll know.