I Lied.
About there being a Flashback Friday post in the queue.
Well.
No.
There WAS one?
But I re-read it and decided it SUCKS A LOT. So I deleted it.
So, as I am about to get up in less than six hours to board a plane to Washington D.C. to gambol among the cherry trees, I am leaving Flashback Friday up to you, loyal readers.
Keep in mind that I am not bringing my laptop so I probably won’t have time this weekend to chime in with you.
So, hey? Would you leave me some goodness for when I return?
The question for all of you is:
Pick a moment in your personal history where you felt completely, wholly, utterly loved by another person. It doesn’t have to be romantic. Just someone. A huge moment in your life. Or a very very small one. That one time where you felt nothing but pure energy flowing between you and someone else. “This person gets me…”
I will chime in with my own when I get back.
DON’T LET ME DOWN KIDS. I WILL MISS YOU SO.
Here’s an email I wrote (and did not send) fifteen months ago. I’ll change the names:
I’m writing this all down early Wednesday morning, while it’s still relatively fresh in my mind. We had been snuggling on the coach watching TV for quite a while. At least a couple of hours. First we watched Peter Pan. Then we bounced back and forth between Steel Magnolias and a Zorro movie. We got closer and closer together over that time. Maybe you were wondering what was taking me so long to kiss you, maybe you weren’t. You started sitting up to change the channel and you would press your right breast against my face. I wasn’t sure if it was intentional or not, but I thought it might be. I hoped it was intentional.
After the second or third time you did that, I moved up on the coach a bit so our heads were closer together. We clasped hands. I don’t remember why. I don’t remember who initiated that, but I think it was you. We held each others hands very firmly. Then you let go. You made a brief gesture. I shifted towards you a bit, our faces were very close together. Yes, you had been drinking wine, but I didn’t think you were particularly drunk, otherwise I wouldn’t have made a move. You tilted your face towards me and I kissed you full on the lips. You responded immediately. The passion in your kisses was extraordinary. You wrapped your arms around me. I don’t think it was just the alcohol kissing me like that. I think it was you. I hope it was you. I think you had been waiting for me to kiss you and wanting me to kiss you. And I hope you were wanting that because you have genuine feelings for me. I hope.
It was hot and heavy for quite a while. I could barely believe it was actually happening. I have wanted you for so long and it seemed my passion for you was matched by your passion for me. Your hands were all over me and I had my hands all over you. I held you close and hard. You got even more excited. You held me close and hard. I kissed your neck and above your breasts and moved back to your lips. You responded fervently. We kissed long and deeply.
Then I pulled away and asked you if you wanted to move to your bedroom. I don’t know if I would have gone all the way that night. I’ve wanted you for a long time and I doubt I could have resisted if you were willing, but I asked because the coach was cramped and I wanted more room for us. You began to cry. You rolled away from me towards the back of the coach. I was shattered. I apologized to you profusely. I said, “I’m sorry, Susan. I’m so sorry. I love you.” You started saying, “It’s horrible,” and asking, “Why?” I asked, “Why what? I don’t understand. What’s horrible?” You said, “Why can’t people love people who love them?” I said, “That does happen, Susan. It does. Do you not love me?” You said, “I don’t know.” I said, “Well, you don’t have to know. You don’t. You don’t have to know right this second. It’s okay, Susan, it’s all right. You aren’t going to break my heart. You aren’t.” You said you had to go home. I asked you where home was. You didn’t answer.
You calmed down. You rolled back towards me. Then you kissed me. I kissed you back. It got very passionate very quickly once again. We kissed for a long time and then once again I pulled back. I looked into your eyes and said, “I’ve wanted to do that for a long time.” You looked confused. You asked, “What?” I said, “Kiss you. I’ve wanted to kiss you for a long time.” You looked into my eyes, deeply moved, and then you lunged for me, kissing me even more passionately than before. I have never been kissed like that before. Ever. I felt like my heart could burst, I was so happy. I thought everything was going to be okay, now. I was wrong.
I pulled back and looked into your eyes. I stroked your cheek and said, “You are so beautiful.” That set you crying again. You turned again towards the back of the coach. You said you were half drunk even before I had picked you up to take you to the Olive Garden. I said I hadn’t known that. I was at such a loss. I started apologizing again. You were silent. I asked you if I should leave. You nodded, “Yes.” I went to get my keys, wallet and jacket from the chair. I picked up my keys and wallet, but I just knew that leaving you like this would be awful. Awful for both of us. So I left my jacket and returned to you.
You were lying there in the same position. I asked you if you wanted me to just lie with you and hold you. You nodded, “Yes.” I put my keys and wallet on the table, adjusted the blanket for you, and laid close alongside you with my arm around you. We laid like that for a long while. Then, out of the blue, you turned quickly towards me and kissed me full on the lips. I kissed you back immediately. We kissed for a while. Then I kissed your cheek and your ear and you smiled. You looked so happy and content. You turned again towards the back of the coach to sleep and we laid like that for another long while. Then you whipped your head around again and again kissed me full on the lips, hard. We kissed and kissed and kissed. You reached your hand up and grasped the back of my head, pulling me even deeper into the kiss. I reached my hand up to grasp yours. You grasped it hard. Your other hand sought out my other hand and soon we were holding both hands hard while we kissed. It was an amazing feeling. Then you let go and turned away again, looking content and at peace. I felt such happiness.
You appeared to drift off to sleep. I wasn’t in a comfortable position at all, but I didn’t care. I just liked being close to you, holding you. There was no way I was going to fall asleep in that position. But that didn’t matter. You were in my arms. That was all that mattered. But after a while you shifted in your sleep and took a position where it was impossible for me to stay on the coach without laying right on top of you. So I moved down to the floor, found a pillow and tried to sleep. I never did fall asleep. I was awake all night. I heard your housemates out and about a few times, talking to the cats, using the bathroom, but I just laid there with my eyes closed hoping I could fall asleep. Hoping more that you would wake and kiss me again.
Then it was morning. Dave came out to go to work. I said, “Good morning, Dave. Thanks for the movie.” He asked if we had figured out the remote control. I said, “No, I had to switch the jacks. The ones that were in the cable box are now going into the TV.” You said, “Tim’s smart.” I hadn’t even known you were awake. You got up to get some water. I asked if you were going to set your alarm because I knew you had to work at nine. You said you would. It was about 6:00 or so. I didn’t know if you set an alarm or not, but it didn’t matter, because I was watching the clock for you. I knew I couldn’t sleep. You laid back down on the coach and after awhile said that I might have a parking ticket and apologized for not thinking of that earlier.
You went back to sleep and awoke after a while and got some more water. You laughed when you realized you had two mugs of water. We sat next to each other on the coach and you put your head on my shoulder. Your head started to really hurt from your hangover. I asked if there was anything I could do to help. You said, “Yeah, shrink down and jump inside my head.” After a while you laid down to go back to sleep, but your head was still hurting. I gave you a scalp massage, not knowing if it would work. It appeared to work. You seemed to be asleep, or at least content, on the coach. I went back to laying on the floor. I was hoping you would let me join you up there. Ah, well. As long as you were comfortable.
Your alarm went off at 8:00 or 8:15 or so. You turned it off and went back to sleep. I thought you had hit snooze or something and it would go off again later. But then 8:30 rolled around and the alarm wasn’t going off, so I thought I had better wake you up. I did. You got up to go to work. I massaged your wrist for a bit, but that’s something that takes some serious time to do properly, and you had to go to work, so I stopped and asked, lamely, if it felt any better. You said, “A little.” You were probably just being nice. I folded your blankets. You gave me a banana.
We walked outside. We saw that it looked like I had escaped a parking ticket. I asked if you wanted to see “Little Big Man” (a Dustin Hoffman movie we had discussed earlier before all the kissing started) when you got back from dance later that night. You were reluctant and said you had to prepare for a dance class, so I said, “Another night, then,” and you agreed. I recalled that earlier we had planned on going to see a movie that very night. It was going to be your treat, because I had paid at Olive Garden. What had changed that? The kissing, I immediately thought. I began to worry that you did not care for me as deeply as I care for you and that you regretted last night. Regretted it. What an awful feeling. I had hoped you would be glad that it had happened between us. I began to worry, but I wasn’t sure, yet. Perhaps I am overreacting, I thought.
When you awoke and seemed unsurprised that I was still there and sat next to me and put your head on my shoulder, I dared to think that maybe this was the start of us being a couple. A real relationship. I want that very much. But outside, right after you nixed the idea of seeing a movie that night and right before we were to part ways, I leaned in to kiss you. This was the moment of truth, I thought. I leaned in to kiss you and you turned your cheek towards me. I was disappointed. I kissed your cheek. The woman who had kissed me so passionately for so long and so many different times just a few hours earlier was gone. Had it just been the booze? Can I have been so stupid?
You walked off to work. I walked to my car. Maybe she just isn’t sure, yet, I thought. Maybe it’s okay. I texted you hours later about heat therapy for your wrist and said I was free Tuesday and Wednesday and that you could call me anytime. You replied with a thank you for the tip and an “I will.” I wondered what the “I will” meant. That you would call me or that you would try the heat therapy? I hoped it was that you would call me.
I fear that you don’t want me and I fear that you don’t know how to break that to me. I fear our friendship is over because I want it to be more than a friendship and you don’t, despite how instantly you responded to my kiss, how deeply and passionately you kissed me, and how you kept turning back to kiss me over and over that night. I fear that it was the wine kissing me. Not you. I fear it, but I don’t believe it. I can’t believe it. How can that have just been the wine? You must have feelings for me. Real genuine feelings for me. Alcohol often reveals our true feelings. But I know it can also simply lower inhibitions. Which is it, Susan? True feelings, lowered inhibitions, or both?
I love you. I want you. I want to take you everywhere you want to go. Show you all the places you want to see. I want to do everything I can for you. I want to make you as happy as possible. I want to be there for you when you come home from a long day and hold you and kiss you and love you.
I listen, you know. That’s how I was able to buy you such perfect Christmas presents. I know you want an apartment with wide open spaces so you can dance. An apartment with less cats, less furniture and less clutter. I would go apartment hunting with you. The apartments that Tim Newell lives in have availabilities, soon. We can split the rent. Decorate it ourselves.
I know it’s ridiculous for me to want to leap into something like that so soon, but that is how long I have been in love with you and how deeply I love you. I adore you. Everything about you. I know you pretty well, I think. What I don’t know I can’t wait to find out. This isn’t some stupid crush. I don’t ask just anyone to go on a trip to Disney World with me. Maybe on a trip like that we can find out if our love for each other is mutual. And if you decide it isn’t, I will have spent an amazing week with you in Disney World. Where’s the downside? There isn’t one. Not for me. I will be nothing but grateful that I got to experience that.
I’ve wanted you for so long. To come so close, to taste it and lose it, is an awful feeling. But I told you that you wouldn’t break my heart. That might be true. I’m pretty tough. But I don’t know, yet.
Tim
Those are the only brief moments where I have felt “completely, wholly, utterly loved by another person.” And it was a lie. She told me later that she was just drunk and lonely and was sorry that I got the wrong idea. I have been trying to deal with the aftermath of that ever since. It’s the reason I pray the Rosary every day. It’s the reason I left Buffalo. Of course, she was why I remained in Buffalo as long as I did in the first place.
So, in your tongue-kissing rampage, I’d recommend you make sure your partners are also just after fun and games and aren’t in love with you. If someone buys you Christmas presents that are so perfect that you tell him they’re what you would have bought for yourself, it’s probably a big clue that he’s after more than a mere make-out session.
Uh… I hope somebody posts something more cheery for Laura!
We had just been friends for a while, I was dating someone else then no one and we were still just hanging out. We took a walk and we stopped on the sidewalk in front of a big old house with a high wall and we just looked at each other and everything passed between us and we kissed and we never looked back. It is now 16 years later and I still get that feeling sometimes with him and sometimes even when he isn’t around and I wish that he was there. He is my husband and I have not found such profound love with anyone else, ever although there were many, many before him.
A different kind of love has been with my chldren especially those early bonding moments and lots and lots of moments when they were nursing, I felt this incredible everlasting circle bond with each of them. Though incredibly different than love for someone other than your children. Until one has children can you understand it is truly life changing love and I honestly do not know how anyone or anything could ever change that love.
Well the second time Ole came to visit me from Norway, before he moved in to Argentina, he came for my birthday, yes, all the way from Norway for 2 weeksss. He couldn’t speak more than 5 words in spanish, and yet, as it was my birthday, he walked all the way downtown (like 3/4 km) found a flower shop, bought me flowers, and walked back home with them. I still don’t know today how much many those flower people got out of him for those flowers since he couldn’t get 1 word in spanish
This was back in 2003 
Christmas morning, 2002. The alarm went off at 6am, and I didn’t want to get up. Ed turned off the alarm and reminded me that we needed to go to his parents’ house, and if we wanted to enjoy some time alone we should get up. We snuggled for a little while under the covers, in the cherry four-poster bed that Ed designed and built, and gave to me the night before as my present. We finally got up, in fuzzy pajamas and warm socks. Ed plugged in the Christmas tree lights and spread my great-grandmother’s quilt on the floor. We sat on the quilt and opened our presents by the light of the tree. One by one, we opened little things, until it came time for me to give Ed his big present: a welding helmet. He absolutely loved it, and to this day says it’s the best present I ever gave him. I felt a little silly, since he had built a bed for me, and I just bought him a welding helmet.
When I thought all the presents were opened, Ed told me there was one more for me, on the tree. In the early morning light, I couldn’t find it and he had to help me find the silver ornament that he had hidden on the tree the night before. I said it was beautiful, and sat back on the quilt with it. Ed said, “It opens.” as he sat down in front of me. I found the latch and opened the ornament, revealing the black velvety box in side. “Are you kidding me?” I said. Ed got on both knees and asked me to marry him as I opened the box to see my engagement ring. We were both in tears and I was so happy to say yes. We kissed and hugged and that is one of the best moments of my life.
We had been dating for just over a year, living together for almost as long. He was 23 and working full-time. I was 21 and a senior in college. We were really just kids, but we knew that we wanted to be together always. Ed’s proposal was private and so special, and it was perfect.
A very special girl made me brownies. And she only gave me the corner brownies because I had mentioned once, that I like corner brownies. And I love her back.
Quonk.
Tim - Wow. Just. Yeah. I see where you were going with that. However, it doesn’t sound like a moment where you felt the most loved. I mean, at the beginning it did? But towards the end, it felt like a time when you felt manipulated, used and lied to. OW? NOT EXACTLY WHAT I WAS GOING FOR.
Jo - Your story made me believe in love. My favorite part was when you said you still feel that feeling, even after all these years. I sometimes forget that that exists, that it can be real.
Gisele - AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! I LOVE THAT STORY! So cute! He probably got conned out of a bunch of $$.
Abbie - Your engagement story made me cry. He made you a BED. He put the ring on the tree. OH MAN, THE TEARS. THEY ARE FLOWING DOWN MY FACE. So precious. I am so happy you two found such happiness in each other.
Dan - SHE TOTALLY DID. But some of them were middle brownies. It was unavoidable. I have since found a brownie pan that bakes ONLY CORNER BROWNIES. OMFG.
Haha! You think YOU cried! My eyes were puffy for days.
So where’s your story? And how were the cherry blossoms???
I know, Laura. That’s why it has affected me so deeply. The fact that I could mistake a drunken make-out session for being loved has made me question every emotion I ever thought I had. Then again, maybe it’s the girl in question’s problem. I’ve had my share of drunken make-out sessions and never experienced anything like that. Maybe there’s something wrong with her if she can do that with someone she has no feelings for. Or maybe my love for her made it seem more amazing than it actually was. But, no. There was something else going on there. I think I was a proxy for someone else for her. I think she was loving someone else. My emotions are collateral damage to her. I hope she got what she needed.
But I have my issues, too. My ex loved me enough to propose to me. I felt loved. But not “completely, wholly, utterly loved.” My kid sister cried her eyes out when I went away to school. I know my parents and siblings love me. It’s my problem if I don’t feel it. There were moments in that woman’s arms where I felt “completely, wholly, utterly loved,” and it’s so hard to come to grips with me being completely, wholly and utterly mistaken.
So, yeah, I know that story isn’t what you were going for, but it’s truly my answer to your question. Pretty heavy stuff, but your openness in your journal puts me in a revelatory mood. I wish I had a story like farmer’s daughter. That story is awesome and I know it’s exactly the kind of thing you were going for. I should be more like Dan and find love in the simple things.
Abbie - The cherry blossoms were amazing! A full update with pictures to come!
Tim - Oy. I know. There is a fine line about “who’s problem” it is. Drunk make outs are drunk make outs. So, perhaps one could put the blame on you for reading too much into it and not taking it for what it was. HOWEVER, I have been in a position many times where a straight male friend of mine has developed romantic feelings for me. Maybe I’m hyper-aware of it now because it’s happened several times. But I want to think that the girl knew how you felt about her. Yes? No? Were you really good at hiding it?
I totally respect the fact that people need to own their own feelings. For example: the fact that you were in love with her = your issue. HOWEVER, this is a button of mine because it’s not so easy. When I’m aware that a friend of mine has romantic feelings for me, I am SUPER SENSITIVE to the things I say and certain aspects of my behavior AKA I do not go out and get drunk with them and make out with them on a couch.
I think this sends the WRONG MESSAGE and messes with people’s feelings. Sure, I mean, you could look at it like it’s YOUR problem for liking her that way. But really? If she knew you had a crush on her? I think what she did was kind of insensitive and REALLY REALLY hurtful.
However, this is moot if she had no idea how deep your feelings really were. So, basically, I’m still not sure if the onus is on you or on her and I’m leaning towards feeling like it lies somewhere in the middle. I’m really sorry you went through that and you are still reeling from the aftermath.
Love can be found in things big and small. An intense passionate moment in another’s arms or in a tray of corner brownies. I think the key is to be present in your life as much as possible so you are fully open to noticing it and taking it in and of course, giving it whenever possible.
I can be hard to read sometimes, but she had to know, bare minimum, that I had a crush on her. She’s not a fool. She probably did not know that I was hard core in love with her, although the gorgeous, hard bound collected works of L. Frank Baum that I got her for Christmas should have been a significant clue.
She was also much more drunk that night than I knew at the time. The severity of her hangover the next morning confirmed that. But that was NOT just some drunken make-out session. The passion was indescribable. She was loving SOMEONE that night. Just not the guy she was with.
The onus is on me for falling hard and fast for this woman. If she had been sober that night, that would be one thing. But she was not sober. I was stupid.