Back in the Game
So, you guys.
It’s been awhile since I’ve dated. Not “awhile” as in “ten long celibate years” but definitely the majority of the second quarter of US Government Fiscal Year 2009. And let’s not lie: it’s not really about the number of months but about the state of mind and heart. There’s no timetable for Being Ready.
And so, I have taken stock of my very precious emotions and feelings. I have thought about what is a priority in my life right now. I thought about what steps I need to take to accomplish my goals for this year. I’ve thought about how I want to spend my time, energy and money. I’ve also thought about how much I like to tonguekiss all the boyz. And so, armed with this information, I have tentatively decided to stick my pinkie toe into the dating waters of New York City.
I KNOW, I KNOW. THINGS ARE ABOUT TO GET CRAZY.
I am now 26. I believe that I am a year away from the age that the average American marries. I personally believe 27 is a nice age to get married but don’t really see that in my future and this is why: I did things backwards.
Instead of going crazy during college and dating tons of people OR moving to NYC after college and dating tons of people, I spent my late teens and early 20’s in three two-year relationships. And then another eight-month relationship. And then another almost year-long relationship.
And you guys? Maybe that is testament to the fact that I am a serial monogamist. I have to admit that I work well in relationships. I like security. I like stability. I like having that one person who knows you best in all the land.
However, maybe it is a testament to the fact that I like stability and security so much that I allow men to consume a lot of my time which, in turn, prevents me from taking care of Me. I realize that most girls (and guys?) date a TON of people in their youth and then as they get older, they start to look for something more sustainable. They get all the wild single stuff out of their system and then they turn their focus toward finding a person to settle down with.
Now, to be clear, I am always looking for a person I’d like to settle down with because let’s face it, I don’t date jerky people. I am far too good-looking to waste my hotness on an asshole. THE PROBLEM IS: While I have been very adroit at finding Suitable Long-Term Partners, I have not been so adroit at finding Suitable Long-Term Partners For Me. I date wonderful people who would make great mates…for someone else.
I believe this is because I have not met a sufficient variety of men. I believe this is because I never have gone out of my way to meet a man. They just seem to materialize in an organic way. A friend of a friend! Or a guy I did a show with! Or I dated him once before because hey, no one knows how to recycle ex-boyfriends quite like I do.
I was always content to go with it because WHO DOESN’T LIKE TO HAVE A CUTE BOY AROUND? Particularly when I didn’t have to search for them? They just APPEARED! LIKE MAGIC.
The issue was…it didn’t force me to be picky. I was lazy or I was blind-sided by really attractive chest muscles or whatever and I didn’t stop to think that “Hey. I’m not sure we are compatible, even though you are a really nice person.” I think perhaps had I just GONE ON DATES with several people, I would’ve kept my options open and possibly could’ve discerned more quickly who possessed the qualities I was looking for: the spark, the connection, the tendency to vote Democrat.
And so, Internet.
I am not ready to find my husband. There’s a lot of stress and pressure involved with that, a lot of me kvetching and wailing about my ovaries shriveling up like raisins. And I have to say, my list of Things To Accomplish In 2009 does not contain a “Find A Husband” bullet. Nor does it contain “Be A Huge Slut” bullet. I feel like that sort of thing does not really interest me and I have no desire to, like, sow my wild oats and crap. I know by now that that sort of stuff isn’t really my style.
So, what is there to do?
I am single. I have great ankles. Sometimes I am charming.
So, where does that leave me?!
Dating.
As in, going on dates.
As in, keeping my options open.
As in, meeting new people with no pressure to be exclusive unless I feel like it.
As in, finding new bars and neighborhoods and things to do.
As in, not jumping so quickly from two dinner dates to Boyfriend-Girlfriend Status.
So, we’re clear about what I want, yes? To bring all the boyz to the yard?
Good.
Now…
How does one do that?
Considering I’ve never had to go out of my way to find a man, uh, I have never figured out how people do it.
As far as I can tell, there are several options:
1. Join an internet dating service.
B. E-mail everyone you know and say HI I AM LOOKING FOR BOYS TO DATE BUT NOT THAT SERIOUS BUT ALSO PLEASE DON’T LET THEM BE CRAZY, DO YOU KNOW ANYONE?
3c. Go out! Explore the city! Go to bars! Be flirty!
My therapist once suggested that all it took to get a date in this city is to smile at the guy in line at Starbucks. I will tell you why this suggestions sucks. Because that guy in line at the Starbucks is either 1) a disgusting sleazebag who hits on a girl at Starbucks or B) Married.
So! You guys! Suggestions for how to meet Not Crazy people?!
As much as the internet dating thing weirds me out a bit, I have to say that it would provide me with some prime blog material which I think I could use right now. I mean, sure there are normal people on dating websites but there are also crazy people and don’t I want to know what those e-mails might say? Don’t I want to make fun of them on the internet?
DON’T I?????????????
I think I do.
I would like a website that is fun and hip but 1) not too serious a la eharmony.com and 2) not too sleazy/only-for-people-looking-for-a-hookup a la Craigslist.
I’m off in search of men, my friends. I am not ashamed. I am excited. I will hold myself to some standards. Standards like, you cannot be from Staten Island and also, you must know the difference between their and they’re.
Other than that, anyone is fair game.
Bring it on, dudes.
I AM READY.
OMG I CAN NEVER DATE LAURA BECAUSE SHE’LL WRITE ABOUT ME ON HER BLOG.
Good thing I tend to vote Republican. And prefer brunettes.
Totally agree about knowing the difference between their and they’re (and there for that matter). Knowing the difference between your and you’re is also crucial. Why are basic spelling and grammar skills so important to us? It can’t just be because we’re so verbally minded… Can it? I really don’t know why seeing someone write “your great!” immediately relegates them to the “I will never date you” category. It’s not like they’re stupid. Although they can be.
You’d think that deal breakers would be more important things like what faith they are, how they feel about The Who and, of course, what part of the visual light spectrum reflects from the hair follicles on their head.
This is the point when Laura’s mother starts drinking…
Sorry, I’m of no help for advice on how to find a man. I met my first serious boyfriend in high school. Then, I met my next serious boyfriend when I was in college, he hit on me in a cow barn at a local fair. It was HOT! I broke up with #1 to go out with #2. Then, I met my husband through my DAD! I broke up with #2 to go out with Ed, and we were engaged a year later. Subsequently, I have not been single since I was 17…
My vote goes for the e-dating cause I want to read about it here. Or you could just marry one of my brothers. Your kids would be so tall.
I would think that the difference between its, it’s, (they’re there their) (two too to) would bother me, since it is a pet peeve of mine. But you know what? I’m sure Ed does not know the difference, and I don’t care. He’s right for so many other reasons. But he can spell my name, which would be a deal breaker, haha.
Rita Mae Brown once said “Computer dating is fine… if you’re a computer.”
Internet dating is an alright source for a potential date but when you live in a city (especially NYC) it is better to get out and play the field rather than letting the computer make the moves for you. Something vital is taken away. It removes that magical moment where the two of you notice each other for the first time.
Now I don’t believe that internet dating is all bad. You do get to weed out the stranger folks that you might have met in a bar or club. You also get to window shop much more than in real life and it is also prime blogging material, which would be fantastic for us readers.
As for the Staten Island disqualification, I am in complete agreement. After watching True Life: I’m a Staten Island Girl and from a few terrible experiences - I try not to think that Staten Island is real but a fictional place - like an anti-Narnia or something like that.
You are right, Tim. I would totes write about you on my blog. HOWEVER, to my credit, I have dated Republicans. Moderate Republicans and HARDCORE Navy Republicans. I believe I have grown out of that particular phase but I’m always hesitant to judge someone exclusively on that one thing, you know? Like, I get pretty mad when people won’t date me because I’m an actress or something, right? However, maybe the political thing is different. It’s kind of like religion, maybe? And might affect how you raise children, etc?
Unless politics matter little to you and then…it doesn’t matter? I suppose it comes down to what you find most important, your NON-NEGOTIABLE list of character traits.
Drink up, Mom! You shoulda started long ago.
Abbie - WOW. Way to be! How nice that it happened so organically though. I still have trouble wrapping my brain around the whole “Soooo, we met on the INTERNET…” I know that’s just a social stigma at this point but…I’d probably much rather “run into” my future dude somewhere…even if my dad set it up.
Which brings me to Kyle - I TOTALLY HEAR YOU. You are right in that it removes the magical moment of discovery. And while you do get to weed out a lot of the crazy, it does feel a bit…orchestrated, yeah?
A few dates maybe? For blog purposes? Plus I will also go out in public regularly and meet men the old-fashioned way AKA flash people in line at Starbucks?
YES. ANTI-NARNIA = STATEN ISLAND. ZOMG.
Politics do matter to me, but they aren’t a disqualifier because I love to debate. A girl that can hold her own in a political debate is sexy as hell. There is an exception, though. I can’t date a woman that’s okay with terminating a pregnancy. If a woman I’m involved with terminates a pregnancy, especially one that I helped create, I’d probably be a mess for the rest of my life. Therefore, such women are off-limits for me.
SO… if you’re willing to look past my Republican-leaning tendencies, and I’m willing to look past the color of your hair (oh, my gosh, that is SO HARD), we can totally GO OUT ON A DATE! Woo-hoo!
I just hope you brush your teeth a lot during your tongue-kissing rampage across New York City. The Great Laura Dlug Tongue-Kissing Rampage! That should be the title of a future blog post. Send your mother right to the hard liquor!
This is a very interesting issue you bring up. I think you’re right. I wouldn’t mind intelligent debate on various topics and tend to actively seek that out. I’d almost prefer that to someone who blindly agrees with everything I say. I think it does become stressful when it comes to raising children. I really do think you need to be on the same page with certain things–money, discipline, etc.
That’s not to say that my husband could never have a differing opinion and share it with our kids. But, like you, there are some things that would just not sit well with me. For example, my husband believing that gay people shouldn’t be allowed to get married, aren’t equal to straight people, etc. That is a dealbreaker for me.
However, I have no problem with my husband being say, an omnivore and eating chicken versus my vegetarianism. I believe exposing your children to both sides of things can be really positive and I wish I had been raised that way as opposed to being fed only one viewpoint.
Does this make sense? I think it all comes down to your non-negotiable character traits…what are you willing to compromise on and what do you ABSOLUTELY have to have in a partner? I made a list last year at the suggestion of my therapist and then I made a list of every boy I’d dated to see how they matched up and to see if I was truly seeking out compatible partners. SURPRISE: Up until very recently, I wasn’t. Perhaps I should post about this. I would love to know what everyone’s non-negotiables are.
Yes, you are making sense. This is a fascinating topic. Definitely blog more on this. I personally feel the government should be out of the marriage business entirely. They should do civil unions between consenting adults no matter what gender they are. It’s a travesty that gays don’t have the same civil rights as everyone else. That doesn’t mean the government should be interfering in religious doctrine. Separation of Church and State works both ways. I lean conservative, but mostly in fiscal areas and areas of national defense and the like. I want the government to butt out of social issues. I think it’s worth pointing out that Jesus cared so much about homosexuality that he mentioned it zero times.
TIM. Could not agree more! I believe government should give everyone a civil union and then you personally can go decide to “get married” in a church. Or whatever. Agree agree agree agree.