My Life: Someone Should Make A Medical Show About It
Well, I know you’re all dying to find out how I’m doing after this past month’s exciting rendition of LAURA’S BODY IS FALLING APART v 1.0! So I thought HEY! What do my blog readers need!? A DETAILED UPDATE OF MY MEDICAL PROBLEMS! I know I know! You’re WELCOME.
First up, ye old angry uterus: Have decided to stock up on B Complex, Calcium, Magnesium and wine. Will continue to notate and chart each cycle and add appropriate comments such as “VOMITED FOR 2.5 HOURS IN WORK BATHROOM” and “CONTEMPLATED SUICIDE”. I will re-evaluate after a few months and see if I feel like sucking it up, downing some Seasonale, polluting the water supply with birth control hormones and suppressing ovulation until I’m ready to make some babies. Will keep you posted on the progress. I know all you male readers are DYING TO KNOW.
Frequent UTI’s – Am continuing to take cranberry supplements daily. Until I get my hands on health insurance, I see no immediate plan of action here except saying the rosary once a day for my urinary tract. What? Is that not helpful?
Gastritis – OH! STOMACH! You fickle thing! I have ended the course of treatment for gastritis and am feeling 100% back to normal. The treatment consisted of chewable Mylanta tablets after every meal and before bed and Prilosec twice a day. I believe that thanks to this process, I have no acid left in my stomach at all. None. And that’s okay with me. It took a few days for me to feel better and that time period was incredibly painful so, yeah, I’m just glad it’s over.
Possible strep – After running a fever of 100 degrees, having difficulty swallowing due to swollen glands, etc., I went to the clinic for help, assuming I had caught strep from one of the twins. Verdict? No strep. Just a virus. And magically, my body must’ve had this strain of virus before, somewhere in my 26 years of living because it arrived and disappeared in about three days which, if you ask me, is MAGICAL. By the time I got to the clinic, I was already feeling better and also, feeling kind of stupid. Like, HEY, I THINK I CURED MYSELF, CAN YOU CONFIRM? KTHX.
Dermatologist – OH! THIS IS THE BEST PART OF THE STORY YOU GUYS! So, a week or so ago, I spotted a mole on my back looking really dark, almost like someone poked me with a Sharpie marker. I made a mental note to go to the dermatologist to have a skin check, even though I don’t have insurance or money right now or anything. I just figured it was worth it in the long run because my grandfather had a serious case of melanoma and I grew up on Long Island and spent every summer at the beach, collecting amazing UV rays. Mmmm skin cancer.
When I had insurance in the summer of 2007, I hit up every doctor in the history of doctors since my insurance was only slated to last six months. In doing so, I found a wonderful dermatologist on Park Avenue in my network. She was a complete 180 from my mother’s dermatologist back home, the only other skin doctor I’d seen. He was a total egomaniac who seemed bored and barely glanced at my skin when looking me over, dismissing any and all concerns I had. COMPLETE. TOOL.
My new lady was awesome, listening to my history, examining me closely with a magnifying glass, making eye contact, nodding, responding to my questions thoughtfully. You know, treating me like a PERSON and all. However, I had not been back to see her since my insurance disappeared, nearly two years ago. I knew it was time to go see her or risk imminent death.
As I sat in a paper gown on a chair, she pulled up my history on her laptop in the examining room and made a clicking sound with her teeth.
“I need to see you twice a year!” she warned. “With your history, once every six months!”
“I KNOW I KNOW, I PROMISE I WILL BE BACK,” I told her. “I lost my insurance and I forgot about it. But I spied something on my back and decided to come in.”
“Oh!” she said, changing her tone. “Good girl! So you’re smart. You know what to look for. Let’s see.”
A skin check is a rather intimate experience considering they really need to…skin check you. And…your skin is kind of, everywhere. RIGHT. So you must strip down and lay on an exam table which would’ve bothered me at a younger age but really doesn’t anymore. At this point, it’s like, OH WHAT? YOU NEED TO EXAMINE MY BOOBS? OKAY! and I just let it all hang out. (SHE’S A BRICK…HOUSE.)
So, speaking of boobs. She paused over one of mine and checked out a mole, which happens to be the biggest mole on my body. It’s about half the size of a dime and, uh, lives on my breast.
“Hmmmm,” she said.
“Yeah,” I concurred. “It’s big. But, it never gets any sunlight, so, not a problem, right?”
This, of course, is what Egotistical Maniac Dermatologist told me when I brought up the size of it. He dismissed it, told me it was just a birthmark, not at all a problem, STUPID COLLEGE GIRL YOU ARE DUMB, etc.
“I want to take it out,” said the awesome lady doctor.
“Really!?”
“Yeah, I do. Look, see how the middle of it is darker than the outside? And the edges are kind of scalloped? Yes, I want to take it out.”
“GREAT.”
“Flip over.”
So, I flipped. And she found the Sharpie marker mole and made a clicking sound and decided I was a freaking genius for coming in because guess what? That one looks suspicious too.
Before I knew it, she had stuck a needle in my back to numb me and had removed it, placing the little dark piece of skin in a container with a label – LAURA D. – LEFT UPPER BACK.
I flipped over so she could do the other one, not really feeling anything besides a little cold because, you know, 90% nakedness on an exam table.
“You’re probably not going to want to watch this one either,” she said.
“Oh, right, yeah.”
“Just relax, close your eyes or look away.”
There was a pause and then:
“I’m really sorry about this, Laura. It’s so big that you’re undoubtedly going to have a scar.”
“Oh please,” I said. “I don’t care about that at all.”
Which is completely true. I’m vain but…I’m not THAT vain. Because, I mean, it’s my boob, right? It’s not my face. I feel like I would’ve been a little upset had she said “OH GOD, LAURA, I HAVE TO SLICE OFF YOUR CHEEK.”
But…she kept talking.
“Geez,” she said as she scraped my skin off. “I really wish this was somewhere else, on your back or your leg. It’s just…I’m so sorry.”
“It’s really not a big deal! I mean, I’m single! Who’s gonna see it!? HA HA!”
Leave it to me to win her over with some self-deprecation.
Except, she wasn’t having it.
“It doesn’t matter,” she insisted. “This is going to scar and I’m really really sorry.”
It was then, in that present moment, that I realized that I was on an exam table and a woman was slicing into my breast with a scalpel. And that a mole, a big ugly mole, but MY mole, a mole I had been used to seeing every day for as long as I can remember, was about to disappear. I mean, it seems SO ridiculous, right? It’s not like I was getting a mastectomy! I wasn’t having major surgery. I just felt very exposed and vulnerable, sad for me and my poor left boob.
“I’ll call you in a week if the biopsies come back abnormal,” she said as I pulled my dress over my head. “If you don’t hear from me, everything is fine.”
Fine, except for the fact that you now have a scar on your boob.
When making my appointment over the phone the week before, I had asked the receptionist what the expense was for a skin check for someone without insurance.
“It’s $180 but if the doctor needs to remove any moles, obviously it would be a bit more.”
This should have been on my mind as I waited for the receptionist to notice me, waited for the final verdict on how much money I would have to pay, money I do not have. This has been an incredibly difficult month for me financially and I should have been stressing out, frantically calculating how on earth to pay this bill. I should have been mentally figuring out whether or not to pay by credit card or check, if I should post-date that check, if they would pay attention to that.
Or perhaps, I should’ve been panicking about what on earth I was going to do should those biopsies come back abnormal. I was given the impression from the doctor that even if both of them turned out to be a problem, they were most likely still at a precancerous stage, easily treated, nothing to freak out about. She didn’t seem overly concerned either way even though I’m sure there would be more of a financial burden if they turned out to be malignancies.
So, there were things to be upset about: the final bill of $350 for one, the possibility of cancer for the other. But standing in that waiting room at the reception desk, all I could think about was the band-aid on my breast. I didn’t want to remove it, didn’t want to see what was underneath, wondered how long I could go without looking.
I felt stupid walking to back to work as the tears welled up inside of me. I wanted someone to commiserate with, someone who would miss that mole as much as I would but…it was on my boob. And therefore, very few people even knew it was there.
I ended up texting an ex-boyfriend with whom I am still friendly.
“A moment of silence,” I texted. “For the mole on my boob. It is no more, replaced by a scar, sent off to a lab for a biopsy.”
A few minutes passed before my phone vibrated with a response.
“I loved that mole,” was all it said.
Oh, my. I did too.
I already pray the Rosary every day. A set of mysteries, anyway. I will add your urinary tract to my preamble – “And please God fix Laura’s urinary tract. Amen.”
PROBLEM SOLVED.
THANK YOU TIM.
2 things, or Why We Are The Same Person
1) Remember that UTI-related life-altering thing I told you about at your birthday party. About Brett’s sister.
2) I have had not one, but two adorable moles removed from my left breast. Brett and I both miss them. But in the end, I am much, much happier without ‘em. (One day, if you’re lucky, I’ll take my top off for you and show you the scars – they are barely, barely anything at all. Promise.)
Does it hurt now? I have a mole on my neck and I think you pretty much convinced me to go get it removed and checked out.
I was going to go to one of the plastic surgeons that my dad built a house for but… they have to see me naked?!?!?!?!?! Do you have to do that part, or can I just get the one removed! AHHHHH!!! Ok now I just talked myself out of going.
ASH! I totally remember. I can’t believe I didn’t know that about your moles. And also, so taking you up on Top Secret UTI Project 2009. I wrote this post last week so obviously, I did not have that FASCINATING NEW INFO in place.
Abbie – GO GO GO. When I saw my mother’s male dermatologist, I kept a gown on and he just checked me one limb at a time and then looked at my back, from what I remember. He even suggested I poke a hole in the gown so he could look at the boob mole if it made me uncomfortable to take the gown off.
My lady derm? Requires you to STRIP DOWN. I got to keep the gown on and my underwear but I have to say, the gown is pretty useless when you consider I had to eventually take my arms out of the sleeves (so she could see the arms AND armpits, etc.) and lay down on my back and then flip over onto my stomach. It didn’t provide much security. She also uses a magnifying glass so it’s like JUST IN CASE YOU DIDN’T FEEL LIKE ENOUGH OF A LAB SPECIMEN.
All that said, I would 1) Find a female and B) Go right now.
I’m supposed to hear back tomorrow if anything was abnormal. Hopefully, that’s all the cutting the boob will undergo. I have to say yes, it does hurt now. I was instructed to wash it in the shower and then keep it covered with bacitracin and a band-aid for at least ten days. And ugh, it hurts. It’s healing and it’s itchy and it’s gross and OW.
Did I scare you yet? GO GO GO GO.
Abbie – A plastic surgeon will just look at what you want removed. No need for a full body exam unless you want other work done. But, since it’s elective surgery (going through plastics), you’ll have to pay the entire thing out of pocket, including lab biopsy bills. At least that’s how my insurance has always worked.
It sucks because if you go to a derm the visit, the mole removal and lab costs are usually covered through insurance, but the derms generally hack you to pieces, leaving a big scar (since they usually do a shave biopsy) and don’t know how to sew you up properly. If you go to a plastic surgeon, they’ll do a nice job, leaving a minimal scar, but you get to pay for your vanity. Since it’s on your neck and visible, I’d go to a plastic surgeon.
I’ve had so many moles removed I can’t even remember them all (thanks Dlug genes!). After the last two butcher jobs, I’m going to go to a plastic surgeon next time and just pay. The scar from the last removal looks worse than the original offending mole.
Wow. Wishing you free and clear results!!
I am being tested on Wednesday for a possible ulcer/gastritis… not quite sure have to have this scope thing, i feel as though i have been dying for about a year now… glad i am not the only acidic one in the family …lol
Oh man! Insurance won’t cover it? Ugh. Maybe I’ll go to a dermatologist. It’s on the back of my neck and my hair usually covers the spot. Thanks for the input ladies
Hi there, again, too much alike. I have had numerous moles removed (southern sun and waaay to much of it) but one came off my right breast. Uneventful until a couple of years later it started growing back!!!!! Then I had to have it redone, deeper and I was nursing at the time, thankfuly that was okay, but yes, now I have a scar, but can live with it, better than the alternative. Im sorry you had to do the same, I also understand the affection. I really believe in the cranberry extract a day, maybe a thousand years ago we share a relative?
I had a little mole taken off not too long ago with liquid nitrogen just because I kept playing with it and knew it shouldn’t be there. That was $50 at a Dermo with no undressing involved because it was under my chin. A quick spray of the nitro and 3-5 days later the mole falls off, the skin looks pink (as though a scab healed and fell off) and then back to normal within a week or two.
Wanted to tell you about Cal/Mag Citrate if you’ve not heard of it. Recently bought a bottle for each of my daughters. One has painful periods and the other has Interstitial Cystitis. I’d read (on the net) some anecdotes from sufferers who got relief from this product. I’m pretty sure it acts much the same as baking soda insofar as it makes your body more alkaline. Since it’s in capsule form, though, it’s way less disgusting than drinking baking soda water and may not cause the diarrhea that baking soda can. Another avenue to consider.
Deanna – Thank you for the clarification. THAT IS CORRECT. I wonder how to proceed should that happen to me next time. The dermatologist says “We need to cut that out” and I just say, “Uh. Actually I’m going to a plastic surgeon?” Or do I just go to the plastic surgeon first? And if so, do they know which moles look suspiciously like cancer or are they just concerned with making you look pretty and taking off whatever moles you don’t like?
HMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.
Thanks Stacy!
OH CHRISTINE. I think it’s from all the tomato sauce we ate growing up. ACIDITY EVERYWHERE. Best of luck on your test…it’s not fun, not a bit. And happy belated birthday, you old fart.
Ugh Jo! That totally sucks!!! And yes, perhaps we were related in a past life! Full of moles and UTI’s.
OldNovice — Ah, the liquid nitrogen. WHY CAN’T THAT HAPPEN TO ME!? Probably because you can’t biopsy a mole that gets burned off? Or can you?
I am seriously considering cal/mag citrate. And I mean walking across the street to the GNC right now for some.
Maybe she thought you were a stripper? Had you confused with… another Laura?
She probably did. I get confused with strippers all the time. Probably because of my HUGE boobs.
Wait.
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.
They’ll use liquid nitrogen on unsuspicious moles and only if they are small. No amount of liquid nitrogen will burn off those marble sized moles of yours
Calcium/magnesium citrate is just a different form of calcium – from citric acid. My husband needs to take a ton of it since his cancer sucks the calcium from his bones. Cal citrate tends to have a higher bioavailability than calcium carbonate.
For the record, nothing can make your body/blood more alkaline or acidic, particularly something you ingest. Your body keeps a very fine PH range in your blood… if it didn’t you’d have some serious health problems.
Oops I forgot to answer your first question. I would go to a derm to identify anything suspicious and then to a plastic surgeon for removal and having it get sent to the lab. You might be able to have your derm work with the surgeon on an unsuspicious mole (like get the lab results for interpretation).
I would think the surgeon wouldn’t do a removal on a suspicious mole since they wouldn’t know how far to cut to get a “clean edge”.
Thanks, happy belated 2 days to you too!!! I know that damn sauce, and i havent had it in over a week, cause it makes it worse, and i would kill for some pasta!!!!! how was your birthday?