So that happened.

Much to my dismay, I showed up to the Actor’s Fund Clinic this morning and the doctor said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I have a med student from Columbia shadowing me today,” and I was all I KNOW, THEY TOLD ME YESTERDAY, WHERE IS MY HUSBAND?

And the doctor said, “Here she is! Her name is Priscilla.”

Seriously. THANKS FOR NOTHING.

Actually, Priscilla was great and really pretty and really nice and at first, I was hesitant to talk about my problems. I think I was nervous that I would make Priscilla the med student uncomfortable, that maybe she wouldn’t be able to figure out my condition and then she would fail out of Columbia and it would be ALL MY FAULT. I tried to downplay it, was all, “I have this stomach issue and it hurts a lot and I can’t eat and might die but you shouldn’t worry about it, Priscilla, I’m totally fine.”

But! Then! Priscilla was SO empathetic and engaging that I opened up and just kept right on talking and figured WHAT THE HECK? Might as well get it all out now! And before I knew it, I was rambling about the stomach condition, the paralyzing menstrual cramps and my affinity for UTI’s, ALL IN ONE DOCTOR’S VISIT! I think Priscilla was THRILLED.

And people! We have a diagnosis!

(For the stomach thing…obviously, the other stuff is self-explanatory…)

I have gastritis, which is an inflammation or irritation of the stomach lining.

Essentially, there is a whole lot of acid in my stomach and it needs to CHILL THE HELL OUT so I can eat in peace.

According to WebMD, gastritis can be caused by:

* stress
* excessive alcohol consumption
* chronic vomiting
* pernicious anemia: a form of anemia that occurs when the stomach lacks a naturally occurring substance needed to properly absorb and digest vitamin B12

PERNICIOUS anemia? It just sounds so evil.

I’m going to go ahead and say that it could’ve been one of these or it could’ve been all four.

I was really stressed out last week for numerous crazy reasons. I also consumed more alcohol than usual though it was nowhere near “excessive”. See also, 1/2 a mojito at Dan’s birthday brunch and a glass of wine with Ashley a few nights later. (For me, that is quite excessive. LAME! Must stop being drunk all the time!)

As far as the vomiting goes, that was definitely happening last Thursday thanks to the uterus. So, points for that! Lastly, as far as the pernicious anemia, that is kind of a stretch BUT I did have to temporarily stop taking my B Complex vitamins when I was on antibiotics for my UTI. However, I doubt you go from having perfectly fine B12 levels to being PERNICIOUSLY ANEMIC in about a week’s time. And the definition says that it’s not necessarily a lack of B12 but a lack of ABSORBING IT. This is why I didn’t go to med school. ‘Cuz this stuff makes my brain hurt.

So, my friends, I am now taking chewable antacids a half hour after every meal and also some Prilosec twice a day, once in the morning and once a night. This solidifies my belief that I am indeed an old lady. As my cousin Tom concurred, “Gastritis?! It sounds like an old lady syndrome! ‘Oh, Helen! My gastritis is acting up again, I can’t go to bowling tonight. Sorry. Phyllis will be there though, not to worry.’”

Helen and Phyllis INDEED.

I hope this is a one-time thing and not a recurring issue. I worry that I will have to give up the spicy Thai food that I so love and let’s be honest people: THAT IS NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN. So for now, I will eat some white rice and chew Mylanta tablets and go out to the diner for the Early Bird Special and call it a night.

As far as the womanly problems, the clinic offered no interesting advice other than the birth control pill. The specific suggestion was for Seasonale, that lovely artificial pill full of lovely artificial hormones that allows you to have your period only four times a year. FOUR TIMES A YEAR, PEOPLE. I can get down with that until the crunchy granola hippie in me starts freaking out about ARTIFICIAL HORMONES and KNOWING MY BODY and SUPPRESSING OVULATION and I start to panic that I’ll go on it and Go Freaking Crazy or never be able to have a baby when I go off of it and OH MY GOODNESS, FORGET IT.

I realize that most of that worrying stems from my upbringing and the skeptical view my family holds about modern medicine. (It also stems from experience, the three months I spent on birth control pills. To sum it up, I. Went. Insane. The End.)

Anyway, we are big into homeopathy back home. We are into chiropractic care. We are into nutritional supplements and vitamins and the belief that All Things Can Be Cured By Eating The Right Food. The problem I have with this is that sometimes, people just get SICK. Stomachs get irritated. Reproductive systems make people crazy. You know?

My mom was all, “But no one in our family HAS this problem! There must be something WRONG with you!” And because I wasn’t in the mood for an argument, I let it go but man, that shit hurts my feelings. Of course there’s something “wrong” with me but why is it my fault? Like, LAURA YOU FREAK, YOUR ENERGY FIELD IS NOT IN ALIGNMENT and HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING YOUR PMS TEA and HOW ARE YOUR FOLATE LEVELS?! I take my multivitamins! My B Complex! My evening primrose oil! I exercise 5-6 times a week! I eat organic produce! I think that sometimes, people just need other kinds of help, other kinds of solutions, maybe of the MEDICAL variety, you know?

Why is it so hard to bridge the gap? When I bring up birth control pills, my whole family rolls their eyes like THAT IS SOME CRAZY MODERN MEDICINE SHIT THAT WILL RUIN YOUR LIFE, PROBABLY WILL GIVE YOU CANCER AND MAKE YOU INFERTILE TOO! On the flip side, when I bring up the fact that I like knowing my cycles and knowing my body without artificial hormones, doctors roll their eyes and get angry. One gynecologist in college screamed at me that if I wasn’t on birth control, I was going to GET PREGNANT and RUIN MY LIFE and I was all “I think there are other options…” and he was all NO, THERE AREN’T and I left his office in tears. Is it possible to find some middle ground here?

Maybe? No? Am I copping out here? Are my hormone levels out of sync because of some nutritional deficiency? Because of some lifestyle choice I’m not aware of? Considering I’ve been having these episodes on and off since age sixteen, I really don’t know. Omnivore, vegan, crazy exerciser, lazy high schooler, peaceful meditator, stressed out college student, I’ve had this problem throughout.

If you do some research, you can easily sway to the other side. As the doctors pointed out to me today, the birth control pill contains the same hormones that your body produces, just in carefully measured amounts. I would obviously still know my body, just in a different way. The pill has also been shown to reduce the risk of certain cancers and as far as fertility goes, it might also extend it when you consider that once on the pill, you are essentially “saving” eggs as you are no longer ovulating.

I’m not 100% sold either way. I really really like knowing what my body does each month. I’m familiar with my fertility, my cycles, my moods, etc. The problem is that that is starting to matter to me less and less. I’m not in a serious relationship, I’m not planning a family. I don’t know how useful that knowledge is. And as I slump against the bathroom stall at work with some regularity, fevered and sweating, surrendering the contents of my stomach into the toilet simply because I’m menstruating, doubled over in pain that I cannot even begin to describe, “knowing my body” doesn’t really seem to make me feel better. All I know is that I hate what my body is doing and I feel helpless to stop it.

So, wow. This post has taken a turn for the serious.

Let’s talk about lighter things!

Like my gastritis! WOOOOOOOOOOOOO GASTRITIS!!!!!!! LOOK OVER HERE! INFLAMED STOMACH LINING!

Let’s also talk about how today is my parents’ 31st wedding anniversary. That’s right, thirty-one years ago on St. Patrick’s Day, my parents exchanged wedding vows and decided they were gonna love each other forever and wow, I guess that’s working out well for them, huh? I’m forever grateful that those two crazy kids decided to make that leap and get together and later, conceive the most perfect human in the world, myself. THANK YOU, MOM AND DAD.

In honor of their anniversary, I called them to talk about my various ailments and also to ask for money.

“MONEY!?” said my dad, exasperated. “YOU HAVE MONEY!”

“You’re right!” I said, guiltily. “I DO! But, uh, not today.”

Turns out a restaurant I was at last week charged me twice. Of course, I wasn’t aware of that until AFTER I went to Duane Reade and used my debit card to purchase all the lovely antacid/acid reducer medication that I need to survive. So, I got to work and was REALLY excited to see my checking account at -$80.00. (I’m sure my co-workers were equally excited to hear me ranting to HSBC about it. SORRY!)

Anyway. HAPPY ANNIVERSARY! YOU BIRTHED A TOTALLY IRRESPONSIBLE DAUGHTER WITH A FAULTY UTERUS.

Thanks for lecturing me about my money and my uterus, even if it comes out the wrong way. All I know is that you want me to be the best, healthiest version of myself possible and I have learned so much from you both. Like, how to clean a bathroom. And how to drive a car. But mostly, what real love looks like, ups and downs and fights and tonguekissing and two people reading the newspaper on separate couches, laughing their asses off at Everybody Loves Raymond.

Thanks for being a real life example of a real life love.