So, today is my twelfth day of practicing meditation. For almost two weeks in a row, I have dutifully sat down to meditate for fifteen minutes twice a day. Well, with the exception of last night of course, when I opened my eyes to look at the clock, realized only eleven minutes had passed and thought, “Oh well, that is seriously enough of THAT,” and went to bed. I realize that was probably not the best idea but the meditation was really difficult so I gave up.

Yes, I was a quitter. I quit four minutes early. The thing is, taking time for meditation is not the hard part. It was actually surprisingly easy to fit into my schedule. And even when I’m running late and think, “Oh, whatever, I’ll do it later,” I gather every bit of discipline I have and sit down and COMMIT and you know? Life always has a way of working out. I haven’t once run into any trouble because I took an extra fifteen minutes in the morning.

So okay, fitting it in, easier than I thought. The part about meditation that is difficult is, um, the MEDITATION PART.

It is seriously so hard to quiet my mind. I have been told that I talk very fast, a combination of growing up with my mother and growing up on Long Island. I speed through conversations a mile a minute, with someone once telling me OH MY GOD I NEED TO JUST PRESS “PAUSE” WITH YOU BECAUSE I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE SAYING.

Ha. Um. Sorry?

Anyway, so I talk fast and naturally, my mind whizzes faster than that. I think this is true for most people—even if you’re not in my habit of telling stories at 30 MPH, I’m sure you can relate to your mind bouncing all over the place at any given moment. One second, I’m thinking about the sunshine and that reminds me of a song I like to sing which reminds me of that time I sang it in the car with my friend and that reminds me that I should call them and I was wearing that shirt and OMG THAT SHIRT WAS SO CUTE but oh also, I’m kind of hungry, am I hungry? What did I last eat? Where can I get some soup and hey, remember that time we had off from school and went sleigh riding?

All of that speeds through my mind in less than thirty seconds. The mind is an extraordinary thing, quite powerful and able to make connections and bring up memories and worry about something in the future all at once. The problem is, since I’ve spent about twenty-five years indulging its every whim, it has a hard time focusing, being still, being present. It is full of WHAT TO DO NEXT and WHAT JUST HAPPENED and THAT TIME I GOT REALLY SICK RIDING THE GRAVITRON RIDE AT THE TERRYVILLE FIRE DEPARTMENT CARNIVAL.

So, you can imagine what happens when I attempt to quiet my mind and allow it to focus on my mantra for a total of thirty minutes a day. I can’t get it to shut up for more than a few seconds. There seems to be an ebb and flow with the mantra, it’s there and then it isn’t and my mind is darting all over the place as I gently attempt to bring it back over and over and over again. It’s like when I’m singing a song at an audition but I’m not really there and AS WORDS ARE COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH, I’m mentally thinking “Did she just circle something on my resume? Why is she eating breakfast? Why did the accompanist just skip a measure?” and then I’ll realize I’m doing it and think, “OH GOD! I’M SINGING! JUST SING! PAY ATTENTION! OMG!”

Anyone?

Just me?

Okay, great.

And so, for the past twelve days, my meditation has been going like this:

Settle the body in an upright position, close eyes, deep breaths, listen to the sounds around me, gently allow the mantra to come into focus.

MANTRA MANTRA MANTR…

What’s for breakfast?

I just bought those Rice Krispies, those would be SO GOOD with a banana, OMG, that wind is LOUD, is it that cold outside!? What do I wear?! I forgot to lay out my clothes, is that skirt clean?

MANTRA MANTRA MANTRA MANTR—is that the Roommate getting in the shower? Damnit, I hope he’s quick ‘cuz I have to get in there MANTRA MANTRA MANTRA

This goes on for pretty much the entire time. Finally towards the end, I get all “IS IT FIFTEEN MINUTES YET? I THINK IT IS. WAIT. IS IT? SHOULD I PEEK? I DON’T WANT TO OPEN MY EYES. BUT I NEED TO. I’LL PEEK. OKAY. HERE I GO…

DAMN! 13 MINUTES! OKAY, WHERE WAS I? MANTRA MANTRA MANTRA ALMOST THERE!”

Most of the things that come into my mind are random but they make sense in a weird way—the weather, the food I feel like eating, what I need to wear, where I’m going after I’m done, who’s going to be there, how do I feel about that person, etc.

But every now and then, the most RANDOM CRAP comes into my head that doesn’t seem to be linked to ANYTHING AT ALL. Some examples include memories from my childhood, people I haven’t thought of in YEARS or just simple disjointed ideas—”I should learn Spanish” or “Why have I never seen The Godfather II?”

On Monday night, in the middle of meditation with the class, the song NOTHING LIKE A DAME from South Pacific inexplicably came into my head.

WHAT ON EARTH? I opened my eyes after it was over and turned to my friend Scott.

Me: WHAT AIN’T WE GOT?

Scott: We…ain’t got dames?

What on earth is that ABOUT? Everything was calm, I was about ten or eleven minutes into that meditation and my mind was finally starting to chill out and then in comes a kick line with THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN NAME, THAT IS ANYTHING LIKE A DAME!!!!

Apparently, if you stay at the school for awhile, you work up to thirty minutes of meditation twice a day. The initiator told me that it really takes awhile for your mind to relax and so the longer meditation gives you more of an opportunity to get to that deep powerful spiritual place. I feel like I really want to be able to have meaningful, awe-inspiring meditation if only for the fact that maybe in that place, magical things will happen. Like, I will discover the cure for AIDS or, at the very least, learn how to become invisible.

Right now, it’s just me thinking of crazy shit and then remembering to come back to the mantra again and again and again. I suppose, that is, in essence, the point of meditation, to teach your mind to come back to the task at hand. It does seem like my day-to-day activities are already filled with more clarity and that it’s easier to let go of the unnecessary thoughts/ideas/judgments that crop up at any given time.

It’s also worthy to note that people kept telling me that once I started meditating, creativity would start to flow more freely. And naturally, I was all THAT IS CRAZY, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT MEANS. Sure enough, after just one or two days of regular meditation, I started coming up with BRILLIANT IDEAS. (Clearly, one of them was NOT this blog entry because, what point am I trying to make!? Honestly.)

Let’s just say, it is very strange and awesome all at once. I wonder if just setting aside that quiet time each day allows the mind to rid itself of all the busy stuff and what’s left is pure genius, creative solutions to problems I’ve been having, new ideas for writing projects, etc. It’s like something became unblocked and suddenly I invented the wheel.

I know, the wheel has already been invented but YOU GET MY MEANING, YES?

Now, if only I can get South Pacific to stay the hell away from my meditation practice. I’m telling you, there is nothing more jarring than settling yourself in a quiet place in a dark room with a beautiful sanskrit mantra only to, seconds later, conjure up an entire chorus of gay men singing Rodgers and Hammerstein.

WE GOT SUNLIGHT ON THE SAND
WE GOT MOONBEAMS ON THE SEA

Shit! MANTRA MANTRA MANTRA

WE GOT MANGOES AND BANANAS
YOU CAN PICK RIGHT OFF THE TREE!

Seriously, imagination, cut that shit out.

WE GOT VOLLEYBALL AND PING-PONG
AND A LOT OF DANDY GAMES!

Dandy? What the hell kind of lyric is that?

WHAT AIN’T WE GOT?

WE AIN’T GOT DAMES!

Indeed.