Progress and a Priest
Continuing on with the spiritual journey chatter, in philosophy, we talk a lot about our interactions with others. We talk about the uselessness of negative feelings, how wasting energy on anger and discontent is not an effective use of our time. After such conversations, I am high as a kite because it’s true! No more negativity anywhere! No bitterness or sadness or jealousy! And then I float home on a cloud, a sparkling, glittery cloud! And the unicorns prance on the sidewalk! And President Bush was never in office! And Liza Minelli is forming a kickline on Madison Avenue while I run through a field of daisies in Central Park because HARMONY! JOY! POSITIVITY!
And then I get to the subway station and someone whacks me in the face with their bag or tells me to hurry the hell up and walk faster or blows their cigarette smoke in my face and I’m all FUCK THIS POSITIVE THINKING SHIT. PEOPLE SUCK.
But in general, people don’t suck. Or maybe they do. Regardless, you cannot change people. You can only change yourself. And a helpful philosophy principle is the idea that you should perhaps meet someone as if for the first time. This is not to say that you show up to work and your boss is all “Please put this 600 page document into an Excel spreadsheet” and you’re all “Who are you, again?”
The idea is more to meet someone where they are at that moment in time. The goal is to let your judgments and preconceived notions of the person fall away. To let whatever happened in the past stay in the past and to just be present and meet them where they are, to be of service to them, to meet the need in the moment, whatever that need may be.
When I crack a joke at the stressed out Starbucks barista, she smiles. When I let someone off the train ahead of me, they nod in thanks. When I help a mother carry a stroller up a flight of subway steps, she is profusely grateful. And I think, THIS IS LIFE CHANGING! TRULY.
And then I have an interaction with a family member and it ALL GOES OUT THE WINDOW.
Let’s be honest. Applying philosophical principles of wisdom and generosity and presence to family members is the hardest thing ever ESPECIALLY in the frame of mind of “Meeting Someone For The First Time”. Why? Because the connection between all of you is deep and has developed over a long period of time. They know how to push your buttons, you know how to push theirs. You can’t meet them for the first time because THERE WAS THAT ONE TIME WHEN THEY PUSHED YOU INTO THE LAKE THAT SUMMER AND OH MY GOD, THE HUMILIATION.
As you can imagine, “meeting” my family members for the first time has been an interesting practice. When I need to communicate something to one of them, especially if it’s negative, I will immediately think “Uh oh, she’s probably going to react like THIS and that’s going to piss me off because she ALWAYS DOES THAT…” Instead, I try to turn my thinking toward the present moment, to the sound of my own voice speaking so I can choose my words carefully. I try to remove emotion and phrases like “You suck when you do that…” and “I hate it when you always…” and of course, “SHUT THE HELL UP I WISH YOU WERE NEVER BORN.”
Who knew? Such things don’t go over so well.
I recently had to pick up the phone and confront my mother about a situation that made me uncomfortable. Confrontations with my mom usually go like this:
ME: MOM, I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU JUST DID WHAT YOU DID.
MOM: I AM GETTING DEFENSIVE RIGHT NOW SO I AM GOING TO TALK LOUDER.
ME: WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME? WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MY PRECIOUS EARS *dissolves into tears*
MOM: WHY ARE YOU SO SENSITIVE? YOU ARE ALWAYS SO SENSITIVE.
ME: PLEASE STOP MAKING FUN OF MY GOD-GIVEN CHARACTER TRAITS.
MOM: PLEASE STOP PSYCHOANALYZING ME.
And then it just erupts into something unintelligible that takes approximately three days to sort out.
Today, I tried a different approach. My initial emotions were anger and embarrassment. They rose up and the burning sensation in my stomach was familiar. Instead of picking up the phone immediately, I paused at my desk and took a breath. I got up and got some water. I looked out the window. I doodled on my notebook. I wrote out some points I wanted to make. I e-mailed a few friends for their insight.
THEN, I picked up the phone and tried to concentrate on a few things:
* using “I” statements as in “I felt really embarrassed and self-conscious” instead of “You always make me feel stupid, thanks a lot you worthless hooker.”
* listening to the sound of my own voice. This helped me concentrate on what I was saying, allowing me to speak evenly and articulately.
* truly listening to my mother’s voice when it was her turn to speak
Compared to past interactions with my mother, these few simple things transformed the entire conversation. The first few moments were rocky as I tried to articulate my point and my mother got defensive and started to interrupt. I firmly asked her to let me finish speaking and suddenly, the conversation became fluid and gentle and so much easier.
I owned my feelings. I allowed her to own hers. I admitted my failings. She admitted hers.
I can’t begin to describe what this meant to me, this exchange between us. I realized that when I let go of my ego, the initial need to attack, to make her feel bad, to “win” the argument, all of that fell away. The only thing that remained was the simple truth of the situation. We were both able to keep our calm, to see the other side and to do so RESPECTFULLY and with grace and let me be honest here: IT WAS THE COOLEST EXPERIENCE EVER.
By the end of it, we had both dissolved into tears, professing our love for each other in a very genuine way. We apologized for any hurt, we vowed to do better next time, we laughed at a few silly things. And then, because my mother was at work, a priest walked into her office.
MOM: (to the priest) Heyyy, anyone else want to send my daughter on a guilt trip? I just did a pretty good job, I think.
*hands the phone over to the prest*
ME: Hello?
PRIEST: Hi there. Your mom says she sent you on a guilt trip.
ME: Yeah. She’s good at that. Why, do you have anything to add?
PRIEST: I do actually.
ME: Okay, make it good. I’m very emotional right now.
PRIEST: Okay. Well, just so you know…
ME: Yes?
PRIEST: Jesus is always just a little disappointed in you.
ME: THANK YOU SO MUCH.
PRIEST: No problem.
And there you have it, folks. Wisdom, communication and guilt from a Catholic priest all in one blog post. YOU’RE WELCOME.
a little dissaaasafkjkl
¬_¬
Haha! That’s why I don’t believe in Jesus. I have nobody to disappoint but myself.
HA HA Gisele!
I know, right? Good on ya, Abbie. You just keep on lettin’ yourself down.
Someone ought to fire his ass. What kind of priest would say that, even in jest? Reason #4,029,666 to leave the Catholic church.
Anyway, I’ve been reading this book about communication – it’s geared towards parent/child relationships, but for little kids. It’s awesome.
The author has written a book for adults, Why Can’t You Read my Mind. It’s more for couples, but you might want to check it out as I’m sure it would help in other areas of your relationships.
I generally don’t recommend self-help or psych books, but I’ve been really impressed with what the author has to say and, by employing some of the techniques with Emma, she has gone from an out-of-control defiant crazy lady into a sweet tempered girl both at home and at school. Well, most of the time.
HAHAHHAAAAAAA
I… really hope he was kidding.
Out-of-control defiant crazy lady…you mean…me?
HA.
I will check it out! I am all about it. And yeah, the priest was kidding. I found it pretty darn hilarious. I like priests better when they have a sense of humor. Otherwise, they’re scary. HOLD ME.
Okay, get ready, kiddies. This is Mom’s turn. AND I am trying to avoid writing my first part of my thesis which is due TOMORROW??? It’s only about 4 pages plus bibliography…but have some sympathy for the ol’ lady.
That last part of Laura’s blog is HYSTERICAL and the statement by the priest?? Sooooo funny! He WAS kidding and is such a great guy. He soooo knew how to get Laura!
I only hang out with fun clergy dudes and HE is just the sweetest and he even came to her last show! WHoo-hoo! If you could only have seen his serious face as he said it and then handed the phone back! It was hilarious! All day we would quote it to the staff and watch their reactions! We could NOT stop laughing. It is all so comical because some people think Jesus IS disappointed in them. HE IS NOT! I can’t wait to try the line with the teens in our youth ministry. Get the camera!
I hope you guys get a chance to find some really great priests who have had a life before they realized there was something more and entered the seminary. No, not those who have escaped by being a priest, but those who really want to help and have sacrificed other things because they waited to focus on others.
Remember, we humans mess up the spirituality stuff. But after awhile, you need to stop pointing to the hypocrites, those who hurt you, the priest or minister who yelled at you or didn’t let you have your wedding when you wanted it, blah, blah, blah.
My opinion: Jesus doesn’t care what you think about all those who are not kind and loving or who pretend they are religious and then aren’t. He just cares for YOU! He is not a measuring, demanding, somewhere in space person. Get to know HIM! Or Buddha or whoever you think lived a righteous life. Jesus lived, breathed and was betrayed. Hmmm, I deserve some smacking around and confronting but he did nothing but help, heal and love and hold those religious jerks accountable in his day. YEAH JESUS!
Okay, “enough with the words” as Laura’s dad once said which also caused laughter. And enough with the preaching.
I appreciate all the insights Laura has had and I am so proud that she continually is seeking and trying to understand how harmonious the world could be. I have learned alot from her…though I think I should be paid for all the stuff she talked about in therapy. Who loves ya, baby? ME! And who provided all the “fodder”? ME! Tee Hee! Uh, no need to thank me, really!
Anyway, I am so amazed how negative your twenty and thirty somethings are about religion, faith and institutions. It’s so…YOU as I understand this postmodern generation. (Hint: I think I KNOW something now that I will have an M.A.) There are alot of wounds out there.
I say, stay open and much will be revealed to you. Study the history and find the reasons why certain doctrines are adhered to, certain practices are done, etc. and you will find that now they are waaayyy past what they were intended to be. Then, consider being committed to something. We all have faults and twist things to fit our perceptions.
It is natural to want meaning and connection. It’s there. And when you do connect or marvel at what is, that’s when I know there is something greater than us. Not what someone has told me, but what I have experienced.
You are loved…even if I don’t know you.
Btw, Deanna, that out-of-control now sweet tempered girl is just working her way through stages of development. Six months nice, six months of who knows! Glad she is normal. Can’t say the same for her OTHER relatives. Remember, normal is a setting on the washing machine or dryer. Never for any family!
There you have it even though you didn’t ask for it.
This faith message has been sent free of charge. Check the nearest religious station to hear Sr. Rita. Or send lots of money and I will engrave a brick in your honor on the pathway to heaven.
Peace,
The Mom
Rita-lita: I don’t think Emma is going through any stage of development, I think she has an underlying propensity for oppositional defiance disorder and we’ve managed to push her over the edge by giving her the short end of the stick time and again due to all the issues going on with my husband and the more pressing issues going on with Henry, who has neurological issues. He’s a full-time job by himself and since she normally is so good natured it’s easy to take advantage of her.
So, now we have a lot of work to do to undo all the understandable pent up anger and resentment that shouldn’t exist in a 5-year-old’s life. It sucks that she didn’t get a better deal on her family. Hell, it sucks that I didn’t get a better deal on my family
Hopefully Henry’s issues will improve (we started him on a new med for his OCD today as it was becoming beyond debilitating both at school and at home). I sure hope it helps.
As for religion and faith, God must really have it out for us because I can’t imagine my life being any more dramatic than it already is. Fortunately, it’s not something I wrack my brains over otherwise I’m sure I would be horribly pissed about the injustice of it all.
Wow; I wish I knew how to do this as well as you folks just did.
Last week I had a short phone conversation with one daughter wherein I thought she’d asked me to tell her brother something because she can never get ahold of him. I emailed him, cc her (just in case I misspoke). Turns out that she’d asked me NOT to tell her brother the something. 100% WRONG! She Emailed me to tell me how wrong I was. I emailed both her and my son about how wrong I was. Outside of that, though, I don’t know what to do. I can’t imagine her ever trusting me to get her words correct again.
Oh Oldnovice!! How awful! It was an honest mistake! I find that e-mail in particular can be a very tricky way of communicating sometimes. I’m sure you apologized and if I were your daughter, I definitely wouldn’t hold this one mistake against you for all eternity! Don’t beat yourself up about it, being self-critical and feeling guilty only makes it worse. You are human, like all of us. Surely your daughter has made mistakes too.
Everyone has.
Except me, of course.
Mom–
Thanks for your insight! You are welcome to preach here anytime.
I would just be careful of using the old “Your generation” argument. While I’m sure there are statistics showing that my generation attends Church less, etc. etc., I don’t think looking at it like that is helpful. It comes off as condescending and “You know better” because you are older. See also: Grandma telling me my generation doesn’t vote/doesn’t get involved. Of course, once it looked like McCain was going to lose, she was the one who neglected to vote on Election Day! So much for *my* generation.
I think every person who is negative of a church or religious institution has their own personal reason to be. And while it’s kind of ridiculous to dismiss an entire religion because this one time, one priest was mean to you, blah blah, I do think that we need to allow people to make decisions for themselves. There’s only so much negativity, fear, abuse, etc. one person can take before they make a decision about that kind of environment and choose not to associate themselves with it anymore. And who can blame anyone for that? For every young person who is “negative” about the church, I’m sure there is an older person who goes to church out of obligation or out of routine, not really believing in it either. And I’m not sure that the latter case is better than the first.
Okay… just want to clarify. Didn’t want to offend anyone who is religious. I’m just not, and feel that each person should choose their own route. Because I don’t believe in a god, that doesn’t mean I’m not moral, ethical, or a good person for other reasons.
(And I typically don’t discuss religion because I don’t want the religious people to dislike me because I don’t believe, and I don’t want them to think I don’t like them because they do believe. I just don’t care. It’s a tricky topic.)
Oh come on, Abbie. YOU TOTALLY WANTED TO OFFEND EVERYONE. AND YOU SUCCEEDED.
Ah, I kid.
I think you bring up an excellent point which I should have touched on in my above comment. Religious institutions and spiritual/moral awareness are TWO DIFFERENT THINGS. And while I was raised to believe that you needed the Church to make you a good person, to get you into heaven, to learn the right from wrong, I believe now, as a young adult that you CAN be a good person and NOT go to Church. I think this might be what you’re touching on…just because you don’t believe in a god doesn’t mean you go around being an asshole all the time.
Yes?
I think the generational difference my mother is speaking of has a lot to do with the fact that the majority of the older generation might believe that Church + goodness go hand in hand whereas our generation seems to believe that goodness and enlightenment can be achieved without regular church attendance.
No? Yes? Did I just make two huge blanket statements/generalizations/assumptions?
Someone who’s more articulate…quick HELP!
I totally am trying to be an asshole. You didn’t get that? I’ll have to try harder…
Anyway, I see the generational difference thing with my mom, too. She was raised Catholic but left the church when she had kids. We were raised Congregational, and my mom was active in our church. In her view, our church was more accepting of people than how she was raised.
And now my mom hates for me to mention that I don’t believe in god, like she’s embarrassed that she did a bad job raising me. I’ve always told her to be thankful I’ve actually thought about it and made my own decision, instead of following blindly.
As for separating religion and morality, I think it’s important to note that there are a lot of examples of organized religion not being moral. (To name a few: crusades, holy wars, the Spanish Inquisition, witch hunts, and more recently exclusion of gay people and child molestation and the subsequent cover-ups.) Just like some religious people are immoral, some atheists are immoral. But I think it’s important to realize that our morality can be separated from our relgious convictions… either leading to immoral religious people or moral non-religious people.
Did that clarify, or just make it more confusing?
Last note: I didn’t leave religion due to any of those examples I listed above. I left because I simply do not believe in god. Nothing against any of the religious organizations, no hard feelings or anything, I just don’t believe.