So, I apologize. I left you guys hanging and now I’m going to do something worse by disappointing you AFTER raising your hopes that something cool happened to me.

I AM SO SORRY TO MANIPULATE YOU LIKE THAT, BLOGOSPHERE.

When we left off, our heroine had recently plummeted to a subdued but still painful level of WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE? after graduate school rejected her with a swift but generous kick in the ass. She may or may not have spent subsequent evenings cyber-stalking ex-boyfriends and drowning her sorrows in numerous bowls of Kix cereal. This resulted in a very sad state of being, particularly after finding photos of one ex-boyfriend and his current girlfriend (OH! THE HORROR!) and then another ex’s myspace page full of music she was convinced was written about her. (Clouds in my coffee and all that…)

Sidenote: Seriously. The music is good but, like, the lyrics say I subjected him to my “selfish whims”? Which, I did. Because, I was young and stupid and SELFISH. And that I “didn’t give a damn” about his feelings? Which, I DID, ACTUALLY. But HOLY, really? Why do all 40 people who listen to your mp3’s have to know what a bitch I am was? GOD.

Back to the story. SO, our heroine was down and out and obsessed and bored with the power of Google to the point where she stayed up late one night, sobbing into a box of Kleenex because I bet you think this song is about you, don’t you, don’t you and also, there were no more Kix left to eat and no chocolate in the house and no one loves her, no one at all. She was certain her mother would be the only one to show up to her funeral should she die. Well. Her mom and some people from church and that myspace ex who would probably show up with his guitar and regale everyone with an acoustic version of an original piece entitled “42 Million Reasons Why Laura Shattered My Soul and Ruined My Life Even Though I Am A Manipulative Person Who Likes To Play the Victim” which he would awkwardly have to modify at the last minute because that doesn’t sound like an appropriate funeral song to me, what do YOU think?

Ahem.

Throughout his autobiography, Gene Wilder often reflects on his life as a steady avalanche of “This happened, which caused this, which caused this, which caused this,” ultimately snowballing into various successes in all areas of his life. In keeping with this theme, my mother has often told me that I am laying the groundwork, building a foundation for something that I most likely have NO IDEA about. I’ve often heard many stories of my peers getting phone calls YEARS later after meeting a casting director or agent and BAM! Their career took off and that was that.

So, here I will give you the steps I have recently taken which led to more steps which will lead me to more steps, bigger steps, steps with lots of cold hard cash on them.

1. Sick of the plateau I had hit auditioning for $500/week dinner theater, I decided to apply to graduate school.

2. I reached out to my friend JK to see if he knew anyone who might help me coach the monologues I would need for grad school auditions.

3. He gave me a name. I e-mailed. He was busy but recommended a colleague, Brian.

4. I contacted Brian. We met. Decided to work on my grad school auditions together and get the monologues ready to go!

5. I auditioned for NYU and had an amazing experience. I auditioned for UCSD and had the worst experience of my life. I left that audition feeling worthless, useless, untalented, at fault. Debated giving up on acting because sometimes I’m dramatic and it was a cold windy day and I was pissed and hurting.

6. At both NYU and UCSD auditions, I was asked to present a third monologue after my initial two. It was after this third monologue that I was dismissed. I concluded that the third monologue, despite it being my personal favorite/the one I felt best about, was to blame. Called Brian in a panic, asked him to meet me and go over it. Brian initially said no, seriously, the monologue is NOT THE PROBLEM, it is GREAT. But relented and told me that if it would make me feel better, he would meet with me.

7. Around this time, I signed up for a workshop with a casting director at ABC. I decided to go ahead and start getting out there and meeting more people, in case graduate school fell through. In preparation for the workshop, I was given sides from a sitcom to work on. Normally, I would just look over them a few hours before the workshop, do the scene for the casting director and then get an annoying note like, “Okay, Laura. That was okay. Now try this…” and would leave feeling frustrated because WHY ISN’T IT EVER ENOUGH?

8. Decided that along with the third monologue, I would bring the sitcom scene to Brian to have it coached. It seemed silly because it was just three pages but Brian said it was a great idea and it’s always better to be completely prepared!

9. Worked with Brian on the monologue and then picked apart the sitcom scene, left feeling confident and secure.

10. Attended casting workshop on Saturday. The casting director gave notes to pretty much everybody, offering suggestions and tweaks. When it was my turn, I took a deep breath, called to mind all the work I did with Brian and rocked out my scene. There was a bit of a silence after I finished as the casting director stared down at my headshot and résumé. And then:

Casting Lady: Laura…I…love you.

Silence.

Casting Lady: I love you. I thought you were so imaginative, hilarious, prepared and wonderful. I’ve seen dozens of girls do that scene and I felt like I was watching it for the first time.

SCORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Forget that after this speech, she told me to wear more make up next time BUT the point is: the make up is easier to fix than any acting notes.

11. The next day, I auditioned for Yale. Did not get in.

12. Received a phonecall from Casting Lady’s assistant asking me to come in and be a reader, if I was up to it.

Essentially, when you have an audition with a scene, you go into the room and do it on camera for the casting director. There is a reader sitting next to the casting person who will read the scene with you AKA reading all the lines that are not yours, giving you a point of contact to talk to and react with, helping you do your best IF that reader is competent and literate and not a Big Hot Monotone Mess. (BEEN THERE.)

13. I showed up to ABC Studios for three hours and watched television people audition for lead roles in new pilots. I learned more than I ever thought I could. It was so easy to see who was prepared, who knew the role they were coming in for, who put the time in, who didn’t, etc.

I suppose the reason why this was a big deal for me is hard to see if you are not in the acting bubble. As my co-worker asked, “Uh…isn’t the point to be in FRONT of the camera and not BEHIND it?”

On the surface? Yes. Yes, it would’ve been ten times cooler to get a phone call that said “HI! Casting Lady wants to see you for a brand new television sitcom! COME ON IN!”

However, this is ALMOST just as good BECAUSE:

a. My relationship with this casting director is now personal and positive. It doesn’t hurt that this woman is kind and generous and lovely to be around but she also works for a major network, casting leads on television. She now knows me by name. She thinks I’m talented, reliable and good to be around. BONUS, BONUS, BONUS because last week? She didn’t know me from a hole in the wall.

b. Learning experience. I’ve already touched on this but I will also say that I learned more in three hours than I normally did in a month’s worth of acting class. Watching professional actors audition…priceless experience.

So, hey! Look at all the fun steps I took to get to where I am AKA Still Nowhere But One Step Closer Than I Was Before.

I also enjoyed the Reader Experience on a non-professional level because:

a. I GEEKED OUT. Actors were coming in that I recognized from television shows or Broadway musicals, actors that I used to WORSHIP as an adolescent and watching them audition was humbling for me. I mean, it was amazing to see them in person but it was definitely startling to realize that even with nine Broadway show credits and a recurring role on an episodic, you STILL have to come in and audition.

STILL!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. KILL ME NOW! It never goes away!!

b. I was helping out actors. I have worked with readers before and while most of them are lovely, some of them are AWFUL, either losing their place in the script or not giving any reaction or tone to their voice or just…being on another planet. Several of them thanked me for being a great scene partner and while I was really quite jealous most of the time that I was on the “wrong” side of the audition, I was STILL quite pleased that I had helped actors do their job well.

So, let’s sum it up:

If I had not applied to grad school, I would never have asked JK for coach recommendations. If I had not done that, I would not have met Brian. If I had not met Brian, I probably would not have auditioned for graduate school considering I didn’t want to do it unless I had someone to work with. If I did not audition for grad school, I wouldn’t have had a terrible experience at UCSD. If I hadn’t had a terrible experience at UCSD and cried all the way home, I wouldn’t have felt the need to reach out to Brian for help.

If I hadn’t reached out to Brian for help, I probably wouldn’t have bothered having the sitcom scene coached.

If I hadn’t had that sitcom scene coached, I probably wouldn’t have done as well as I did.

If I hadn’t done as well as I did, there is a very slim chance that I still would’ve been called in to be a reader.

And no, none of this has manifested anything concrete. But an invaluable relationship has been formed, a connection has been made, a seed has been planted and I cannot WAIT to see where it goes. I will be sure to keep you in the loop should anything fascinating arise. For now, just be secure in the fact that I am auditioning people at ABC, alternately in awe of actors and alternately getting hit on by guys I recognize from one-time appearances on Sex and the City.

Last word for those actors: You are almost 50. Stop staring at my chest. KTHX.

LOVE,
LAURA THE READER