So, for those of you playing along at home, after this weekend’s fabulous trip to world-renowned New Haven, Connecticut, I should be posting a picture of approximately 10,000 cupcakes. Or, a picture of me EATING approximately 10,000 cupcakes. Or perhaps, a picture of me, eating the cupcakes, giving someone the finger. That “someone” would be the three “Graduate Acting” programs I applied to this year.

But, I promised my mother I’d stop cursing. And giving the finger counts, I think. I also highly doubt that NYU, UCSD or Yale would really care that some white chick in Queens is sitting in her apartment waving her middle finger at them. Right? No. I didn’t think so. Besides, the only one who technically deserves that is UCSD for having the most awful audition atmosphere possible including but not limited to: locking me out of the building where the audition was held for about twenty minutes in -5 degree weather and then forcing me to audition RIGHT AWAY, as SOON AS I WAS LET IN. Let’s just say I did both monologues with my nose running all over my face and no feeling in my legs.

(LOVE YOU UCSD! SMOOCHES!)

But, that’s over now and I’ve totally let it go. (Can you tell?)

So, Yale was BEAUTIFUL. Yale was amazing. Yale is…in New Haven. Right. (Pro to not getting in: Do not have to move to New Haven.)

Alayna came with me and we drove through Connecticut. (Mental note: do not move to Connecticut. For awhile, I thought it’d be really nice to own a farmhouse there. Have since reconsidered. All the towns? Look the same. And now I realize why every single person in the world moves to New York City because woah, small towns, just…woahhhhhhhhhhh.)

Theatrically speaking, Yale kicked ASS. Rather, I kicked ass at Yale. I really did. I say that honestly and without sarcasm. I had an amazing preparation and warm up, a fantastic moment when I tried REALLY hard not to mentally make fun of other actors and failed horribly and then a BRILLIANT audition. My monologues were spot on, my focus and intention were sharp and clear and the faculty and students were warm and welcoming. Actually, I was prepared for this last part because a few days before my audition, I got an e-mail from Yale reminding me that while the audition was indeed a “professional” one, the faculty would definitely display a “generosity of spirit.”

Just in case I was uncertain about whether or not that would be on display.

Wait. Yale. Are you Ivy league? I couldn’t be sure…

SO YES! Alayna and I both felt the AMAZING GENEROSITY OF IVY LEAGUE SPIRIT! And then I never got a callback but I was so high on the fact that I kicked some acting ass that it hardly mattered! (For the record, after my group, they called back ONE person. ONE! So, whatever, man! Didn’t feel so bad!) Also, I was at YALE! And it was 50 degrees! And we walked around Hogwarts the campus and watched Ron and Hermione the students playing frisbee in the snow on the quad and thought, OH MY, UNDERGRADS ARE SO YOUNG. Which, obviously didn’t prevent me from asking Alayna if we should find some to make out with.

My parents were too poor to send me to a private college. They also made too much money to qualify for scholarships. Ah, the plight of the middle class! I almost went to Catholic University (ARE YOU SURPRISED?) but the difference ended up being about $8,000 more a year after scholarships, etc. than the glorious State University of New York at Buffalo. My mother left the decision up to me and being a very intelligent, financially savvy 18 year-old, I decided to take out less debt and go eight hours north instead of eight hours south. With the exception of the obvious differences in climate, I have no regrets.

However, just walking around Yale, I thought, “Woahhhhh, this is what happens when your parents have money.” Or you are ridiculously BRILLIANT and get lots of scholarships. Or you have a burning passion to study something “smart” and “do something” with your life like med school or law school that warrants the borrowing of staggering amounts of cash.

For me, personally, an undergraduate theatre degree was not worth taking out $8,000 more a year in student loans. It was not worth taking out $40,000 a year in loans, either. Graduate school is a different story but I’m getting off topic here and I didn’t get in anyway and nobody wants to hear my opinion about that. Point is: I loved college. LOVED COLLEGE. But oh man, if you gave me the choice to go to SUNY Buffalo or to Hogwarts Yale and wake up every day and see stuff like this:

MAN. I would choose Professor Snape every time, is all I’m saying.

And so, because I went to public school, I spent one afternoon sipping a soy latte with my best friend, wandering around the campus of a very prestigious place, playing pretend. The results of the audition flew out of my mind as soon as it was over and I realized that was the way it was supposed to be. An audition is an audition and things always work out for the best and I am exactly where I am supposed to be, for reasons I probably don’t even realize but might some day.

I met a casting director on Saturday who said that we are always in the place we need to be. And if we are not getting the things we think we deserve, we are probably not in a place where we are ready to receive them. Perhaps we need to do work on other areas of our life, perhaps we need to grow spiritually before we get what we need out of the acting business.

I nodded while she was talking because, WOW. I LOVE THIS THEORY. But I also realized with a sinking feeling how hard it is to believe that. It’s so hard to tell yourself that where you are is perfectly okay when everyone else is clamoring to get ahead of you, is ALREADY ahead of you and oh yes, they are younger and thinner and have about ten film credits already and HMMM I WONDER IF THAT’S BECAUSE YOU WENT TO PUBLIC SCHOOL.

Later on Sunday evening, as we watched the Superbowl kick-off at a bar in Norwalk where we stopped to get dinner, I fully accepted that grad school is not a part of my journey. I honestly don’t think it ever will be though I always have next year to try again should I change my mind. I was at peace with that but still felt a twinge of “Crap. NOW what am I going to focus on? Where to go? What to do? This isn’t the avenue for me but what is and oh my God am I so tired of figuring this all out…”

It’s never easy, this life, is it?

I went to sleep on Sunday crossing my fingers, hoping for some sign to tell me what to do next after scribbling in my gratitude journal that I was grateful for good auditions, for the beauty of old college campuses, for mini road trips with my best friend. I dreamed of walking into a room to audition and being told “No thank you, we don’t want you,” before I even opened my mouth to speak. I woke up unsteady and more tired than usual.

A few hours later, I received a phonecall from the head of casting at ABC Studios.

My uncertainty vanished.

You are exactly where you are supposed to be.

I laughed and slapped my roommate a high five and in my small three-bedroom apartment in New York City, I gave grad school the middle finger. And I wasn’t sorry at all.