I am only now recovering from the holidays, if that gives you any idea of how my Christmas went. Imagine you got caught up in a tornado and some if it was fun because OOOO WINDY SWIRLY HAPPY IS THAT A FIELD OF DAISIES I AM SPINNING AROUND IN? but other parts were more like HOLY CRAP PUT ME DOWN RIGHT NOW, I WANT TO GET OFF THIS RIDE OR I AM GOING TO DIEEEEEE.

You get it? That was my Christmas.

I love Christmas. I do. I love the garland and the houses with the twinkly lights (though I can do without those inflatable things, dear God when did that become popular!?) and my mother’s cookies and my father with his tie that lights up when you press it and giving out the gifts that I put so much of my heart into. I love seeing Tom and I love stuffing my face with my sweet potato chili and I love my annual Christmas morning run.

I love how Tom gets furious every Christmas because there’s ham on the table and “WHO THE HELL EATS HAM ANYWAY?”

Apparently, not him.

And apparently, he was very excited this year when the Christmas ham neglected to make its appearance. Please excuse how asshat-ish he sounds about poor people. I promise Tom really does like the needy.

Dear Ham, I Hate You. Love, Tom. from The Spectrum on Vimeo.

I did not quite get the chance to marvel over the ham because I was doing dishes for 89% of the evening.

This is actually a total lie. It was maybe 2% but I like how genuinely annoyed I look in the video. In reality, I LIKED doing the dishes. WHAT THE F AM I TALKING ABOUT HERE?!

Laura’s Christmas Duty from The Spectrum on Vimeo.

The best present I received this year was from Tom.

Tom hates his job and e-mails me throughout the day to tell me that. We also discuss auditions, boyz and what we had for lunch. You know, important things. Well, Tom decided to get all crafty this year and print out all the e-mails we sent back and forth to each other and bind them into a BOOK complete with ribbon. Cue: me bawling my eyes out.

And then also? laughing my ass off because WHY DO I KEEP TALKING ABOUT BOYS AND HOW MUCH I HATE THEM AND ALSO HOW MUCH I LOVE SOUP???

WHYYYYYYYYYYY???

I’m currently reading a fantastic memoir by Julia Blackburn and in it, she continually references her diaries and journals and faxes she writes to her friends. They contain bits of poetry and descriptive notes and haunting discoveries.

If I were to publish my 25 year old life, it would probably go something like this:

“AND THEN I WAS LIKE WHATEVER BECAUSE HE WAS BEING TOTES RIDICULOUS AND I HATE HIS ASS FACE. WHAT ARE YOU HAVING FOR LUNCH? I AM THINKING 10 VEGETABLE SOUP BECAUSE OMFG SOUPPPPPPPPPP.”

Sigh. My life. So artistic, no?

In the above CHRISTMAS HAM video which will soon become famous, I have no doubt, Tom references the fact that this year, we had less people congregating on Christmas Eve. This is the evening we usually celebrate with my mother’s side of the family, a huge joyous dinner with too much food to be legal and presents in piles under the tree and sometimes even carols sung in harmony around a piano. Yes, we can be THAT family.

Due to my grandfather’s passing in May and the subsequent drama it created, many relatives were absent this year. I cannot fault people for isolating themselves during the holidays, for choosing to spend it alone rather than with family particularly when there are hurt feelings and misunderstandings abounding. As an introverted person, I completely relate to the need to stay away sometimes.

Alayna lost her grandmother one year ago this past November and this Christmas, her family rented a cabin in Branson, Missouri. There are over twenty of them, I believe, all together in one place for five days. Now, the thought of all that time sequestered with my family is enough to make me write another tornado metaphor so I’ll spare you but the point is that when I heard this, I thought, “Oh. That is how a healthy family grieves.” They get together and cry and laugh and celebrate a new tradition, acknowledging the passing of a loved one.

An aunt of mine turned to me on Christmas Eve and remarked how difficult it was to be without her father. I can’t begin to imagine what Christmas will be like after my father dies because just a two second dwelling on that thought results in streams of tears. I hugged her and I know she reads this blog so I don’t mean to offend her with what I’m about to say but that moment was the first time all evening I noticed my grandfather wasn’t there. I suppose Christmas had its odd moments because so many of my relatives were affected by an absence that I hadn’t even been aware of.

Sad, isn’t it?

Does that make me a bad person?

I can’t tell.

Probably.

There’s also lots of conflict with my grandmother and it’s maddening and confusing but at the heart of it, so sad. It is odd to live your life without a person and then suddenly attempt to adjust to their presence, especially when nothing is really known about them. I’m aware enough to realize that she is trying to make up for lost time but the thing about lost time is that it is lost. And can’t be recovered.

I’m also put off this holiday season by the startling realization that people my age get married. That always confuses me. I’m all, AREN’T YOU TOO YOUNG FOR THAT? DID YOU ASK YOUR PARENTS? ISN’T IT ILLEGAL?

But suddenly, as if it’s some disease I might catch, engagement is spreading. I thought I’d have at least ten years before that started, living in New York City and all. We take our sweet time with that kind of thing, don’t ya know. But lo and behold, everyone decided to propose this Christmas and it seemed to rock me not because I’m all WHAT ABOUT ME? but because I’m all IF THAT EVER HAPPENS TO ME I WILL KILL MYSELF.

Note to self: please talk to therapist about irrational fear of marriage.

I’m not afraid. It’s just that when people get engaged, they tend to get married and that means they pair off and it ceases to become “going to lunch with Nancy” but instead morphs into “going to lunch with Nancy and Phil.”

Note: I do not know any Nancy’s or Phil’s, but you get my point.

Sometimes when I’m around too many couples, a bubble burps out of my chest at the thought that in ten, twenty, thirty years, I will STILL be having brunch on the Upper West Side with all these couples and I will STILL be alone, the hilarious goofy single weirdo that keeps everyone entertained and helps steer the discussion away from boring things like silverware and coffeemakers. HEY HEY GUYS! I’LL BE HERE ALL WEEK! You all go home to your spouses and I will just…well…who knows? Walk around talking to myself like a homeless person! BUT BOY WAS THAT BRUNCH GOOD.

It sucks sometimes, yes? Growing up and stuff?

Holidays mark that in a very distinct way. They dutifully mark “I Am Older This Year” whereas in the middle of February say or the beginning of August, I don’t necessarily notice how fast time is passing and how fast other people are moving ahead of me. Sometimes I feel like I’m swimming in a pool that goes on and on and everyone is Michael Phelps and I am some weird girl doing a backfloat, spitting water into the air like a whale. And then some buzzer sounds and the race is over and I’m startled out of my backfloat and everyone is all “WHY DIDN’T YOU RACE?” And I am all “Because the ceiling tiles looked interesting.”

Tomorrow is New Year’s Eve, a lovely occasion and a beautiful day where I will probably post a video I made on iMovie which sums up 2008. The video is happy and awesome even though 2008 sucked the big one. But I don’t have any pictures of it sucking. Why is that? I need to take more pictures of myself having a bad day. Instead, it is a somewhat lame but upbeat movie of happiness and joy and unicorns.

Okay, no unicorns. But you have to wait until tomorrow to see it.

I have no plans for the celebration tomorrow though I’ve been invited to quite a few soirees. I think it’s supposed to snow and if I had to sit and think, long and hard about what exactly I want to do tomorrow night, none of the options include “PARTY” or “SWANKY HOTEL” or “BAR HOPPING”. Actually the only option that sounds good to me is “Thai food” and “Bed at 9 PM”.

Is that old or what? Shouldn’t I be married or something?

I hope everyone is as excited as I am to ring in 2009. From here, I believe everything can only go up and whether I’m out on the town or snuggled under the covers, I am wishing you all a very happy new year.